Infidelity is a great source of suffering and pain for most affected couples. For those who choose to stay together, the journey to healing and repair can be rocky and difficult. Rebuilding trust is a tough and tricky process. Here are some common mistakes to avoid after reconciling due to infidelity.
Trying to stay together
Infidelity is a massive betrayal of trust and most couples are not able to recover from this hit. For this reason, as difficult as it may be to accept, trying to stay together is one of the biggest mistakes couples make. Cheating can be evidence that the person has no interest in their partner or the relationship, a sign that they want out of it. It’s important to believe what people say and do. In this case, infidelity can be screaming something the injured party doesn’t want to face or accept.
Minimizing the pain and impact
Infidelity is often dismissed as so common place as to be expected in any relationship, yet finding out your partner was unfaithful can be so painful it shifts your reality and worldview. Just because other people don’t think much of it doesn’t miss you can minimize your partner’s very real suffering. Be kind and thoughtful about how you disclose it and prepare for your partner’s intense reaction either immediately or later on. They are likely to experience bursts of anger, sadness, grief, shame, disbelief, and hopelessness.
Sharing too many intimate details
The injured party is likely to have a million questions from how the affair started to the how of it all and even why their partner chose that specific person to cheat with. Think carefully about what you say because certain kinds of things can only cause more harm, hurting your partner further instead of clarifying things. One guiding principle is to focus on the cheater’s feelings and their motivations rather than the minutiae of how they did it.
Not communicating
There’s a balance between saying too much and not saying anything at all. As distressing as it may be, you have to have some tough conversations after cheating. These tough conversations will begin after your infidelity is revealed and go on for a while after that. These conversations clarify and offer insight about the circumstances that led up to cheating and they also help you determine how to forgive and move forward.
Trying to recover too quickly
Infidelity upends so much in a person’s life that they can unconsciously rush to return things to normal. The problem is normal was not good, if someone went outside the marriage, that’s evidence that there was already trouble in paradise. The road to healing is long and uneven, requiring both people to commit to doing the work required to build back trust. There are no shortcuts to dealing with not just the cheating but all the other underlying issues.
Rushing decisions
Making decisions in the heat of the moment can later become a massive setback. Don’t rush to share the news with your entire family and friends, including children. If you need to talk to someone or certain people, that’s alright, just don’t tell everyone including your children immediately. Don’t rush into any decisions or public announcements.
Seeking help too late
Navigating the aftermath of infidelity can feel like walking through a minefield. A couple stands to benefit from working with a therapist who is well-versed in dealing with such situations and the resultant dynamics. Most people only go see a therapist as a last resort after everything else has failed when it may be too late. If you’re certain you want to save the relationship, consider involving a therapist very early on in your reconciliation journey.
Check out
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