Dating can be challenging under any circumstances, but when someone has been cheated on in a previous relationship, it can bring a unique set of difficulties to the table. Being cheated on can have a significant impact on a person’s ability to trust and form meaningful connections with others. It can also leave emotional scars that take time and effort to heal. It’s important to understand the challenges that your partner may face and be willing to work together to build a healthy and trustworthy relationship. Here are some do’s and don’ts for dating someone who’s been cheated on.
Do’s
Be faithful
It should go without saying, if your partner was previously hurt by being cheated on, maybe, just maybe you shouldn’t do that. Trust is already shaky for them, so try and be a trustworthy sort. Part of being trustworthy includes not giving your partner reasons to doubt. You need to act in ways that boost their confidence in your faithfulness and integrity. Avoid any actions that give them pause and reason to doubt. For example, if flirting with other people makes your partner feel insecure, maybe don’t do that.
Be reliable
Another way to build your partner’s trust and confidence in you and the relationship is to be reliable. Do what you say you will do. If your partner depends on you for something and you come through, this builds their trust. It shows your word is your bond and you can be trusted. Don’t give them any reason to doubt your word, question your integrity. Actions speak louder than words.
Create a safe space for their emotions
Create a safe space for your partner to share their concerns, past and previous. Not sharing their concerns can only exacerbate their anxiety. When your partner brings up challenges or issues, listen to them and create an environment where they feel safe to talk about what they are feeling including painful experiences of being cheated on. The goal is not to be their therapist, just a listening ear and a source of comfort and safety for them.
Respect their needs
As in any other relationship, you need to respect your partner’s needs. For example, a person who has been cheated on may want to take things slower. They may not be ready to dive right into the deep end. If you care about them, respect that. You should share your needs and expectations with each other and regularly check in to make sure you’re both feeling equally fulfilled.
Know their triggers
Listen to them and pay attention to their triggers, those things that evoke a strong negative emotional reaction in them. Don’t act in ways that trigger them. Triggers can vary from something like a certain song or a certain restaurant or even a sex position. Just be mindful of your partner’s triggers.
Don’ts
Blame your partner
This should go without saying, don’t blame your partner for their ex’s cheating. The decision to cheat was made by their ex and only they bear responsibility for it.
Compare yourself to their ex
Resist the impulse to compare yourself to their ex, accompanied by statements like, “I’m not like your ex. I won’t cheat.” Cheaters rarely promote themselves as cheaters. They all claim they won’t cheat. That’s just not a beneficial statement.
Sacrifice what’s important to you
Depending on what your partner went through, benign things like friends of the opposite sex could register as red flags. While it’s important to be conscious of their feelings and to try and honour their needs, that doesn’t mean you should make broad sweeping sacrifices to this end. You, for example, shouldn’t have to sacrifice your friendships with all people of the opposite sex or sacrifice alone time because your partner has had bad experiences related to that. No amount of sacrificing of this nature will ever be enough to build trust and you could just end up resenting them. There’s healing they need to do and you can’t do it for them.
Try to heal them
You can’t heal them. Only they can do the work that gets them anywhere near healing from the heartbreak of cheating.
Give up
Building trust and overcoming past relationship trauma takes time and effort. Don’t give up on your partner too quickly.
Say any of these things
Here are just a few things you shouldn’t say to a partner who’s been cheated on when they raise concerns or want to talk about their painful experience one more time:
- You’re projecting your insecurities onto me
- It’s none of your business
- I’m not like them, I won’t do that to you
- You’re being paranoid or crazy
- I’m not getting into this again
- You need to let go of the past
Show them some grace. Come from a place of good faith, assuming they’re trying to heal, trying to move on and are only asking these questions or raising certain conversational topics because they need to do so in order to feel safe in this relationship with you.
Check out
Revenge Cheating: Is It A Good Idea?
Relationships: Dealing With The Aftermath After Your Partner Cheats On You
Signs You’re On The Wrong Side Of A Rebound Relationship
Relationships: How To Confess To Your Partner That You Cheated, According To Experts
Relationships: Reconciliation Mistakes To Avoid After Infidelity
Relationships: Monkey Branching In Relationships – Are You Guilty?
