One of the most difficult and precious things to acquire in a relationship is trust. To maintain this trust, couples must behave accordingly, within the confines of their arrangement. Everything must be done with consideration, mutual respect, and love. Cheating on a partner can be traumatising even for you because you know you’ve caused irreparable damage.
If you have a conscience, you may wonder whether to tell your partner at all. If it was a one-time thing that happened after you got caught in a moment, is the pain worth it? What if you’d been having a lengthy affair and it ended before you got caught but the guilt is burdening you, should your partner have to shoulder the guilt? What if they find out from someone else?
You may also be disinclined to say anything because you don’t want to lose your partner or deal with the fallout of how they’ll handle your mistake. However, it’s always better for them to hear how you messed up from you, not from a third party or by finding incriminating messages. You need to be an adult, speak the truth and face the consequences. But you can’t just blurt out that you’ve been cheating.
Vice spoke with three relationship experts on the best way to broach such a heavy and sensitive topic.
1. Be clear about what you hope happens after
Relationship coach Tomas Svitorka suggests being honest with your partner about your intentions. As you lay down the facts of what you did, tell your partner if you want to leave or if you’d like to stay. Your partner’s response will then be determined by how remorseful you are and if they want to do the labour of rebuilding trust. Don’t bring up excuses or other flaws you or your partner may have.
They may also react hysterically especially if they didn’t suspect anything or if you’ve been together for a long time. Don’t try to convince them to react otherwise and should they decide not to leave you immediately, have a conversation about reparative actions like couples therapy later. You need to be honest about the pain you and your partner will experience as a result of your infidelity. In addition, remember to only address the cheating.
2. Be honest as soon as possible
Helen Mia Harris, a relationship and couples therapist suggests being honest about it as soon as possible so that you can deal with the guilt. Infidelity occurs because one partner probably lost appreciation for their partner, or it’s mutually gone. There is no “best” way to be honest about cheating because you’re about to detonate a relationship.
3. Consider why you’re confessing to cheating
Jo Hemmings, a behavioural psychologist and dating coach suggests analysing your intentions before ultimately confessing. If it was a one-time thing, it may not be better to tell your partner as you may be doing it to alleviate your guilt. If you’re telling them simply to unburden yourself, wait. Telling your partner about a slip may be necessary to prevent them from finding out elsewhere but only do it if you want to hold yourself accountable. Using your infidelity as a way to end the relationship can be needlessly cruel. You can be honest that you no longer feel as you first felt and leave then.
Choose a time without pressure. Don’t select a time when there are expectations for an event such as guests or before going out. Sit down comfortably and tell them when you’re having a time without a lot going on. Once you’ve confessed, don’t try to oversell your remorse. Take what’s coming and let your partner react as needed. If they cry, leave the room, storm out—let them go. Don’t prepare a special meal as that can be misconstrued and blindsiding them can be cruel.
4. Don’t be vague
When you sit your partner down to confess, be specific. For example, say I had sex with another person on two occasions. Don’t say I hooked up a few times. Don’t be ambiguous or try to soften the blow. If you had unprotected sex, you also need to let them know that they need to get tested. This may result in anger but you need to bear it.
5. Explain if asked
Some partners may try to understand why you cheated and may ask what they did wrong. Cheating is a choice that reflects solely on you. Don’t try to pin anything on your partner. If you had sex with someone else because you were tempted or felt lonely at that moment, say so. Explain clearly when asked. If you had said you would like to stay together and your partner needs to know why you cheated to consider staying with you, don’t sugarcoat what happened. In future discussions, you can then have more discussions about what fractures there may be that led to cheating.
Your partner may also want to know every detail. Who you were with, exactly how it started, what triggered it. You may need to be prepared to explain it all like a church confessional. Respect your partner enough to know that they may want total transparency or know as little as possible. Gauge their reactions before telling them everything.
6. Don’t punish yourself
Being willing to put in the work to repair your relationship doesn’t give your partner the right to be emotionally or physically abusive. You may feel you deserve whatever misfortunes go your way but the moment your partner becomes violent, take measures for your own safety.
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If your partner makes demands to violate your privacy for you to prove your trust, you may need to suggest healthier ways to build trust. Consulting a professional relationship health expert may help you determine the way forward.
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You also need to decide as a couple if others need to know. If you have children, are they old enough to understand the nuanced complexities that come with infidelity? Does your partner want to tell relatives what you did as a way to punish you? You may need to have a difficult and painful discussion about telling others.
Telling the truth is a step forward, whether at rebuilding your relationship or the end of it will only depend on your partner.
Check out:
Do’s And Don’ts When Dating Someone Who’s Been Cheated On
Relationships: Key Things To Remember If You Are Struggling With Forgiveness
Revenge Cheating: Is It A Good Idea
Mental Health: Why It’s Important To Forgive Yourself And Learn How To Do It
Relationships: 5 Warning Signs That Your Man Could Be Cheating
My Girlfriend Confessed To Liking Another Man And Cheating On Me
