There’s no shortage of men with advice for women on how to keep a man. Meanwhile, old women are telling young women to run in the opposite direction- which is a story for another day. Today, let’s talk about all the advice men have for women about keeping men. The most recent piece of this nature to come across my desk was written by one David Muriithi. Yes, that one. The bishop who impregnated one of his female congregants who was not his very living wife. The same one who had to be forced by a court of law to financially support the child who was the product of said illicit and extramarital affair. That one. That man has advice for women about how to keep a man so you can be sure he has some interesting things to say. Let’s talk about some highlights from his article published by the Nation website on April 4th 2023.
Power of women
The way patriarchy speaks of women is so interesting. On the one hand, women are the weaker sex- physically weak and weak-minded with a limited capacity for rational thought- then on the other, they are powerful enough to take strong, powerful men down.
He opens with the story of Samson and his downfall primarily because of his inability to resist the power of a woman. He cites two stories about how Samson was unable to resist having sex with women which is one of the primary hints that ‘women’s power over men’ is just shorthand for the vagina or more broadly, sex. It’s not that women have this power over men, it’s that men are by their own admission sex-obsessed and since women are the keepers of heterosexual sex, men are weak before them. Except that the good bishop insists that it’s not that Samson lacked self-control before all those hot women, it’s that he fell in love with the wrong person, at least in the case of Delilah.
Alcohol, women, accidents, and diseases
Yes, that’s a group of items the good bishop thinks can be classified in the same category. Alcohol, women, accidents, and diseases are just the greatest hits in the devil’s toolbox to take men out.
In the case of Samson, a woman was used to bring him down. I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you that this article is addressed to women about how they can keep their men. I’m glad we’re still together. So, Samson’s enemies -with the devil’s help- capture him and gouge his eyes out destroying his vision which is significant because as the bishop reminds us women find it hard to follow a man without a vision. Not sure what this has to do with present-day women keeping their men but there you have it.
It’s interesting how heterosexual men desire women, are obsessed with them yet still despise and hate them in the same way one hates accidents and infirmity.
Women as helper
I’ll admit this one was new for me. I’ve heard a lot of things by and from the church, but before today I’d never heard a whole bishop say men are needier than women and that is why women are given the role of man’s helper. Friends, you live, you learn. So, the thing was even after all the exploits he’d done from killing a lion with his bare hands to killing a thousand men with a single jawbone, Samson was still lonely AF. All the needy desires of his heart had not been met because as the good bishop reminds us, there are certain needs men have that only women can meet. What praytell are those needs? Brace yourself.
- A man needs a woman to talk to him, not at him. Men feed on affirmation and they desperately need praise. Delilah made Samson feel like he was the greatest.
- A man needs a place to rest. Delilah, a smart woman that she was understood that going on murderous rampages was hard work so she let Samson lay his head on her lap and rest.
- A man needs a woman to take an interest in him and his goals, dreams, burdens, heck even hobbies. He cites Delilah again, how she was asking Samson about himself, getting him to talk about his hair and exploits. She was doing it with exceptionally malicious intent so that her people could overpower and capture Samson but tomato tomato. I guess the principle stands. Don’t hate the player…
In closing the bishop reminds women that ‘your blessing is tied to talking, touching, creating a place to rest and taking an interest in your man.’
Some pressing thoughts
Cheaters… sit down
I’ll say this, maybe, just maybe if you’re the kind of man who is actively unfaithful to your wife then when you’re caught you deny it until irrefutable evidence is found and then when you have a child out of wedlock a court has to force you to support said child, maybe, just maybe, you don’t get to lecture any woman anywhere about relationships. An irresponsible dead-beat dad and philanderer deigning to give marital advice is utterly egotistical. Beyond being a cheater, the woman he had a child with alleges physical abuse and this man still thinks he can advise anyone, much less women? How? The audacity!
Samson and Delilah?
Are we really going to use Samson and Delilah as goals? Oh, Delilah did this, so you should do it and Delilah did that, so you should do that. Really, bruh? Is this the choice?
Men… shut up
We’ve had centuries of hearing from men about everything for centuries thanks to patriarchy, maybe, just maybe, it’s time for men to sit down and shut up or maybe just simmer down a little bit and listen for a change.
If you listened even a little, what you would hear is women rejecting the entire institution of marriage as it’s currently set up. Women are threatened with dying alone and their response consistently is “Bring it on, we’re not settling.”
So, you can write all the think pieces you want advising women, but you should know we’re not listening to men about that anymore. We’re listening to the old women who keep saying, “Run”. Bishop, tell the others, we’re running!
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