The Joy Ride podcast is a hilarious and informative Kenyan podcast hosted by the husband-and-wife duo that is Wanjiru Njiru and Ben Cyco and it’s one of my favourite podcasts ever. If you don’t listen to it you need to rectify that quickly. The show is available on all podcast platforms and on YouTube. That being said. There’s an episode where they talk about kids and because they don’t have children, they bring in a couple that does, Shiv and Shikie from Over Twenty Five.
In the episode they have to answer this question: “Some people say you should put yourself and your relationship before your kids because eventually the kids will leave. Do you agree with this? Why or why not?” The verdict was unanimous with Wanjiru, Ben, Shiv and Shikie agreeing with that statement. I don’t agree. I think they’re wrong. Let’s talk about why.
Disclaimer
In the interest of full disclosure, I’d like to clarify that I’m a childfree woman living with four rambunctious cats. If you’re one of those people who don’t think child-free people get to weigh in on child-rearing, this is your chance to slam your laptop lid down and walk away in a huff. Good. For the rest, let’s proceed.
You have only one job
When you decide to make an entire human being who didn’t ask to be here, your primary responsibility is to them. You did this. You made a baby, a person. You have only one job once you choose to do that and that’s to care for them, protect them and prepare them to survive- as much as one can- in this insane world we call home.
Marriage is a temporary relationship
Regardless of what happens between you and your child, they will always be your child. Your spouse on the other hand is a very temporary relationship. It could end. It could end anytime. That is a very temporary relationship and once it ends, it ends. Your relationship with your child is different, even if they emancipate themselves and go no contact with you, even if you denounce them and declare they are no longer your child, they still remain your child. That’s not a relationship that can be changed. Becoming someone’s ex-wife or ex-husband on the other hand is one of the easiest things.
Religious and patriarchal
I’m convinced that the reason the spousal relationship is elevated beyond the parent-child one is because of religion and patriarchy. In fact, some articles expose the real agenda with titles like ‘Who comes first, husband or children?’ The truth is this advice is directed at women because come on, who in a marriage is more likely to prioritize the children over their spouse? Until recently men’s involvement in child-rearing was wholly financial and disciplinary. The advice to prioritize your spouse is an admonition on women, reprimanding them for neglecting their husbands in the name of focusing on the children. Men’s interests must be prioritized at all costs, at all times even over children. What bullshit!
Fear-based
One common reason why spouses (women) are encouraged to prioritize their marriages over their children is that “the children will grow up and leave and who will you be left with?” This is such a ridiculous fear to dangle over women when men leave their wives and marriages entirely unprovoked. You can prioritize your marriage all you want, but if a man wants to leave you, he will. Others have and yours is very likely, not special. Meanwhile, your children who you potentially shortchanged will always be your children and your husband will be some hot young thing’s old rich husband.
We don’t value children
Our society works overtime to demonstrate to everyone who cares to see that we don’t care about children. We don’t give a lick about them. The greater society agrees that children should be hit in the name of discipline. If a man hits a woman, a majority would agree that it’s wrong. If a whole adult smacks a child, the majority would find a reason to justify it. Children are brutalized and sometimes murdered by parents and other adults at home, in schools, and in churches. Life continues to tread on, business as usual. Children are not safe and protected anywhere.
As Bell Hooks reminds us, children are the most vulnerable, most marginalized segment of our population. Women, the LGBTQ, black people and other marginalized groups can organize to agitate for their rights, children on the other hand have to rely on well-meaning adults to advocate for them. They live entirely at the mercy of the adults around them, their lives wholly controlled by others.
Now you have one, this little person who didn’t ask to be here, who is entirely dependent on you for everything including their very life and instead of prioritizing this helpless human, you’re instead encouraged to prioritize a whole grown-up who can care for themselves and who in fact should be prioritizing this child as well. What?? Seriously, what??
In closing
I’m not saying you shouldn’t care for and protect your marriage, working to strengthen it so it stands the test of time. I would never say that. You need to have other relationships beyond the parent-child one. You are more than just a parent, you’re also a partner, a friend, a sibling, someone’s child. There’s more to you than just being a parent. Heck, you need time to meet your own needs.
All I’m saying is prioritizing the interests of a grown-ass man over a child, your child is beyond ludicrous. When you have a child, you have one job. Only one job. Your responsibility is to them. They come before other relationships. That doesn’t mean you neglect your other relationships, no. But dammit, you owe them. Your responsibility to these helpless humans is greater than your responsibility to anyone else, certainly not full-grown adults. The fact that this isn’t unanimous is stupefying and distressing beyond reason.
Check out
To All The Men With Advice For Women About How To Keep A Man
A Beginner’s Guide To Gentle Parenting
Spare The Rod And Spoil The Child – Alternatives To Physical Discipline
