My ex and I didn’t have a perfect relationship but we somehow stuck together. However, the relationship came to an abrupt end. It was surprising but it was bound to happen sooner or later. Towards the end of our relationship, we used to have explosives fights that would last for hours and my ex had threatened to kick me out on several occasions. Even before this, our relationship wasn’t perfect. He seemed to think that he owned me which would lead to disagreements which later escalated into fights. He would even monitor my social media accounts to see what I was posting and where I was.
Dan always had an aggressive side to him. He used to threaten me a lot during our relationship. Any time we would get into an argument, he would threaten to expose me to my friends and family. I had nothing to hide but I knew he would make up all kinds of lies. So, to calm him down, I would humble myself and apologize even when I had done nothing wrong.
Most of our arguments were due to social media. I had a decent following which meant that I got a lot of DMs from men. One day, he asked to check my phone and saw all the messages I had gotten from different men and that was the beginning of my woes.
“All you do is flirt with men online while we’re together.” He said in anger.
“I haven’t replied to any messages ever since we met.” I tried to explain.
“Why don’t you block them then?”
“It doesn’t matter. I don’t know who half those people are.”
I would manage to explain to him that I wasn’t talking to any other man and for a while, it would work. However, he would get mad at me again and we would be back to square one. We hardly used to go out because he had a problem with the way I dressed and how men looked at me. I’m curvy so regardless of what I wear, I’ll always draw attention.
For the 5 years that we dated, I could count the number of times we have gone on dates. Nonetheless, I loved him and stuck with him through the good and the bad. I also thought he loved me because when he wasn’t yelling at me, things were really good. He treated me like a queen and showered me with expensive gifts to make up for the lack of dates. I wasn’t complaining. I actually started enjoying staying indoors. He even convinced me to quit my job and be a full-time stay-at-home girlfriend. Foolishly, I did but I knew that he would take care of me.
He kept his promise and he took care of me. However, he became more and more possessive of me even when I showed him that I was completely loyal to him. The environment slowly became toxic and I started to get overwhelmed by all the pressure from him.
“Babe, please clean up the dining table once you’re done eating,” I said.
“I clean up? What’s your work in this house? I go to work, pay all the bills then you expect me to clean as well. You must be mad.”
“It’s because I just…”
“Shut up. I don’t want to hear anything and don’t ever tell me to clean up again.” He barked.
Small things would turn into huge arguments that would last for hours. I had also become so isolated that I didn’t know who to call. All I could do was curl up in the couch and cry the whole night. In the morning, he would apologize and bring me gifts after work. This became the norm for 3 years. However, I was slowly losing my mind and my energy was drained. When we argued, I hardly said anything anymore.
At some point, I begged him to let me go.
“If you want to break up, leave everything I bought for you here and go.” He often said.
However, I couldn’t leave some things since I needed them so I stayed. The last time we fought, I decided to call a long-lost friend and ask her if I could stay at her place.
“Sure, you can come over.” She replied.
I slept there that night and went back to my apartment the following day. I had decided to leave even though it meant that I would lose 5 years and half of my property. When I walked in, I found my suitcase by the door and Dan was sitting on the couch.
“I don’t even want to know where you’ve been. Just take your things, give me that phone I bought and go.”
Luckily, I had borrowed my friend her spare phone so I switched my SIM card, gave the other phone back and left without a goodbye. I cried the whole way to my friend’s apartment and for the next few months, I was devastated.
My ex made things worse since he stalked me day and night on social media, and whenever I posted anything, he would leave bad comments on my posts. He also DMd threatening to expose my old messages.
“I have screenshots of your DMs and I’m going to send them to every blogger in the country.” He wrote.
I showed my friends who advised me to go to the police or get a lawyer involved. However, I didn’t have the money to hire a lawyer and the police wouldn’t do much. I dealt with online harassment for months. When I blocked one account, he would create another pseudo-account and continue harassing me. I can’t stop posting on social media or deactivating my account since it’s my bread and butter.
One year later, I’m still trying to pick up the pieces and move on with my life but it’s so hard since he still comments on my posts and has threatened to show up multiple times to events I attended. I don’t know how I will get rid of him but I hope that one day, he will get some sense and leave me alone.
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