I was raised by my aunt from the age of eleven after my parents passed away in an accident. My sister was four at the time and she ended up feeling the impact more than me. My aunt’s house wasn’t as big, so we had to share a room with her only daughter. If you have gone through the grief process, then you know that it never really ends.
Thankfully, my aunt understood this and so she never once treated us like outsiders. She always tried her best to give us the same treatment she gave her children. That being said, my sister and I never grew up doing chores in the house.
Some of my relatives called her out on it but she never cared. Her response was always, “When the time is right, I will teach them but I won’t make them do it,”. Which she did of course, but only in terms of cooking key meals and washing the dishes. I never once learnt how to cook chapatis, boil legumes or properly iron clothes. I also never knew how to light a joke. My aunt never thought it was a big deal and neither did I.
Sadly, it did become a big deal when I least expected it. Having gone through so much as a child, I was glad that my adult years were good. After campus, I got a good job and earned my promotions slowly. I had great friends as well and was in an amazing relationship. With Richard, I could always sing, “My man, my man, my man…” because he was unreal.
He was attractive, kind and always determined to make a better life for us. After a year of being together, I moved into his place and my life was beautiful. Richard had a house manager who would come by every day to clean. She would also do meal preps when necessary. My only job was cooking, which I enjoyed doing.
Every year, I would spend Christmas with my family. However, after being together for two years, Richard invited me to spend Christmas with his family. I was excited since being with my family was sometimes overwhelming.
We travelled two days earlier to make the most out of the trip. When we arrived, his parents welcomed me with open arms. We spent the evening getting to know each other. His siblings brought out family albums so I could laugh at Richard’s childhood photos, which I did. After supper, Richard and I went to sleep in separate rooms. His family believed that it was taboo for us to share a room since we weren’t married.
The following morning, I woke up and went to check on Richard so we could go for a walk. However, he wasn’t in his room which was shocking given that it was 7 am. I decided to call his phone but realized he had left it on the bed.
“This is weird,” I thought to myself as I went outside to look for him. There was nobody in sight, so I went to his parent’s house and decided to wait. At 9 am, his siblings came down the stairs and were stunned to see me in the living room.
“Is everything okay?” His sister asked.
“Yeah, I just can’t seem to find Richard,” I replied.
“I think he went for a walk, I’m sure he will be back any second now,” She replied.
“There’s no way he would go for a walk without me,” I thought to myself.
“Please, join us for breakfast,” She added.
I stood up and followed her. Immediately we sat down, Richard walked in with three men who I later learned were his uncles. Although he was smiling, I could tell it was fake.
“Are you okay?” I asked him as he sat down.
“Yeah sure, did you sleep well?” He asked.
“Yeah, are you sure nothing is bothering you?” I asked.
“Yes,” He responded.
That one-word answer was enough to confirm that something was bothering him. Anyway, I decided to wait until we were alone to find out. His parents also joined us for breakfast, and everyone was telling stories and laughing except us.
Once everyone was done, I turned to ask Richard if we could go for a walk. Unfortunately, before he could respond his dad asked him and his brother to go look for a goat to slaughter. Richard nodded and left without saying a word to me.
It bothered me although I thought it best not to show it. For the rest of our stay, Richard avoided communicating with me. Whenever we were around people, he would only say a few words to me. On the day we were leaving, his parents and siblings said their goodbyes, but his uncles didn’t.
“Is there something you aren’t telling me?” I asked Richard during the trip back to Nairobi.
“No, why?” He asked bluntly.
“You and I have been so distant, and your uncles didn’t even say goodbye to us,” I replied.
“They probably had things to do,” He responded.
“Richard just tell me the truth,” I said.
“Can you drop this conversation!” He snapped.
I looked at him in shock for a second then stared out the window for the rest of the trip. When we arrived, Richard grabbed some bedding and went to sleep in the guest room. The next day, he woke me up at 9 am and suggested that we go for a walk. I was still upset but it seemed like a good way to relieve my anger.
We ended up talking and although he didn’t tell me what the problem was, he apologized, and we decided to move on. Everything went back to normal until a month later when our house manager travelled to her upcountry for a week.
“Babe, why are a majority of shirts not ironed?” He asked one morning leaving me baffled.
“Jenna didn’t get the chance to iron them. She’ll do that next week,” I replied.
“Those are the shirts I wanted to wear this week,” He said.
“There are a couple of shirts in your wardrobe, Richard,” I replied.
He shrugged, got dressed and left for work. I felt the need to react but decided not to. Later that evening I got home and decided to iron the shirts to avoid an argument. Although I knew it would be a struggle, it was better than being on bad terms. An hour later, Richard came home and lay on the sofa.
“Rebecca I’m so tired, could you bring me my food so I can eat then shower,” He said.
“I haven’t cooked yet,” I replied.
“I was looking forward to going to bed early,” He said.
“Okay let me start cooking,” I said.
“Let me just go shower and head to bed,” He replied.
“That’s not fair Richard, I have been working all day and then I got home to iron your shirts,” I said.
“It’s fine Becca, I don’t want to argue,” He said while climbing the stairs.
I went to the kitchen and tried to cook as fast as I could. However, by the time I was done, Richard was already asleep. The following day, we decided to drop the issue. By the time he got back home, I had already cooked. We ate, talked and went to bed. Before I knew it the week was over, and I couldn’t wait for Jenna to come back.
Richard had formed a habit of taking me to dinner on Fridays, so I was excited about that as well. I left work early and went home to get ready. As usual, he was home by 5 pm.
“So, where are we going today?” I asked excitedly.
“I was thinking we could do chapati and legumes today,” He said.
“What?” I asked.
“Yeah, I have missed eating chapati and beans,” He replied.
“That’s what we had last weekend before Jenna left,” I said.
“Yeah, and it seems like ages ago,” He replied.
“Okay, so where would you want me to order from?” I asked, trying to contain my disappointment.
He gave me a stunned look.
“What?” I said.
“There’s no day you’ll just wake up and decide to try something new?” He snapped.
“It’s almost 6 pm and you want me to make chapatis? Something I have never done?” I replied.
“It wouldn’t hurt you to learn to do things that normal women do,” He said.
“Where is this coming from Richard? You’ve never had a problem with me not knowing how to do some things,” I said.
“Just forget it, I’ll order when I’m done showering,” He replied before walking away.
I took a moment to process what had happened before following him to the bedroom to change. After removing my makeup, I decided to order the food on his behalf since I was hungry. Immediately after I unlocked his phone a message popped up from his family group.
I didn’t like snooping but seeing my name in the text sparked my curiosity. So, I opened the chat and was surprised to find his family talking about me. One of his uncles had asked if he had left me already to find a suitable girlfriend. His mother replied and informed him that at least I had wife material qualities despite my tribe.
His sister was the only one who defended me and told the family that I was a good person and that’s all that mattered. Just then Richard walked out of the bathroom.
“What are you doing with my phone?” He asked.
“So, this is why you’ve been lashing out at me?” I replied.
“You haven’t answered my question,” He said.
“I was going to order food then your family group messages popped up. Why didn’t you tell me that your family had a problem with my tribe?” I said.
“Because I was going to handle the situation,” He said.
“By lying to your mother and trying to make the lie a reality?” I asked.
“It’s just embarrassing to tell my family you don’t know how to do basic things that women do,” He said.
“Richard when you met me you knew I didn’t know how to do what you consider basic things,” I said.
“Yes, but would it hurt you to try and learn?” He asked.
“Here, you can tell your uncle that we’re done,” I replied.
“Becca there’s no point in blowing this out of proportion,” He replied.
“Your family doesn’t like me, and you tried to make them like me by making me seem like someone I’m not,” I replied.
“These are chores women do. My mother did them all through my childhood, why are you being stubborn?” He said.
I grabbed some bedding from the wardrobe and went to the guestroom. I thought Richard would follow me to at least apologize but he didn’t. The next day I woke up early to work out but ended up staying in bed thinking about what he had said.
On one hand, he was right, it wouldn’t hurt for me to learn new skills. However, his family not liking me was my main concern. Richard thought it would be easier to lie and try to change me than to stand up to them. Therefore, even if we decided to work on our relationship, it would cause friction in his family, which was the last thing I wanted. Richard also deserved to be with someone he didn’t feel he had to change.
We gave each other space for the rest of the weekend. The following week Jenna came back, and I decided to talk to Richard. Although it was hard, we agreed it was best to go our separate ways. Eventually, I talked with my aunt and decided to learn the skills I lacked. Not to become “wife material” but to make my life a little bit easier.
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