Do you ever find yourself handling all the unpleasant tasks at home or at work because whoever you’re partnered with just can’t seem to do it right? For example, you handle all the grocery shopping because the few times you’ve asked your partner to do it they always fail to buy half the things on the list or when it’s their turn to do the dishes, the said plates are always inexplicably greasy even after being washed? You could be a victim of weaponized incompetence, also known as strategic incompetence.
Weaponized incompetence is a behaviour pattern where one partner pretends to be bad at simple tasks to get out of shared responsibility. They feign incompetence to get out of doing it altogether leaving that burden to be borne solely by their partner. It can happen in any type of relationship including between friends and even colleagues but it most commonly occurs in heterosexual relationships with men deploying it against women.
Signs of weaponized incompetence in a relationship
1. You hear these phrases a lot
If you hear any of these phrases a lot in your relationship, you may be dealing with weaponized incompetence in your relationship:
- “I have no idea how to do that”
- “I am not good at doing that”
- “I think you should just do it”
- “You’re better at it than me”
- “Remember the last time I did it?”
2. They fall ill at the most inconvenient time
Does your partner always become ill when it’s their turn to handle an unpleasant chore?
3. They make a mess of simple tasks to say, “I told you so”
Do you feel like your partner deliberately messes up simple tasks you require them to do as an “I told you so” and to keep you from asking them to do it in future?
4. Disappear when it’s their turn to do something
One common tactic is failing to take your calls when they think you want them to do something or when they know they need to be taking care of something. For example, you call them to ask them to pick something up on their way from home and they inexplicably don’t answer their phone.
5. They handle those tasks easily elsewhere
When they are with you, they claim to be wholly unable to do something but when they are with other people they suddenly have the skill to do it. So at home, they claim they can’t cook to save their lives but when hanging out with their friends, they are the king of the grill.
6. You feel like you’re being manipulated
You feel taken advantage of and don’t trust your partner to contribute in any meaningful way leaving you frustrated. This frustration is a common emotion in your relationship.
How to handle it
If you suspect your partner is wielding weaponized incompetence against you, here are some steps you can take to address it:
Talk to them about it
Don’t bottle up those feelings of anger and frustration. Instead, tell them what they’ve been doing, how it makes you feel and the fact that things must change.
Listen
Let them talk and explain what’s been going on from their perspective and why they’ve been acting like that. It could easily be a habit they picked up as children that they don’t realize they are practising.
Seek professional help
Don’t be afraid to seek professional help. Weaponized incompetence can be caused by deep-rooted issues that are not easily addressed by a single conversation.
The key thing is you need to refuse to continue with the status quo because it will only end in more heartache on your end. You need your partner to be a partner and not an extra burden and source of labour. Don’t hesitate to consider it a dealbreaker if they refuse to change their behaviour after finding out how stressful it is on you. One person can’t and shouldn’t do all the work in a relationship. If there’s no genuine reciprocation and teamwork, you don’t have a relationship anyway.
Check out
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