More and more women are speaking openly about their desire and intention to live child-free lives. In South Korea, it’s so prevalent, it’s a whole movement threatening the future of South Korean society. Yet, regardless of all the evidence of declining rates of childbirth especially among educated, financially secure women, there remains this refusal to believe that women can choose to be child-free. Women are hit with every response from you’ll change your mind to you don’t understand what you’re saying with many patronizing steps between.
Recently a Kenyan woman, Muthoni Gitau found herself on the receiving end of the insults and judgment that come with declaring your intention to be child-free. The director of the fertility clinic Cecilia Karanja on the show called her a liar and said she’d change her mind and it would be too late at that point. That was just the start, she followed that with a wide range of outrageous suggestions including they should take Muthoni’s eggs fertilize them and give her mother the child to raise and that if Muthoni was truly serious about not having children she would have had her uterus removed and her tubes tied. This is somebody suggesting the non-consensual harvesting of eggs from a woman coupled with the assertion that any woman who truly doesn’t want children would have invasive surgery to remove their uterus or tie their tubes. Two of the women were very dismissive of what Muthoni was saying.
Why is it so difficult for people to accept that women can opt out of childbearing and rearing? Let’s explore some reasons.
Value what I value
Society functions a certain way based on certain shared views and values. These shared beliefs are what keep everything running correctly. When people change their minds about what they believe, and what they value, it can be very scary for people who feel safe because of the status quo. This is why all changes are met with resistance from women questioning whatever role they have been assigned to questions about everything else from the way the economy is structured to things like gender norms. Most people prefer that things remain the same, any upheaval is cause for concern.
The expectation for women is that they get married and bear children, that they value this above all else so when women reject these values and instead choose to value other things, it becomes a great cause of concern for people who think those things should be upheld above all else. People want other people to value what they value and this rejection of societal expectations can feel personal even when it isn’t, especially for people who still value them. So you have people who fulfilled the societal expectations of their gender feeling attacked by other people’s rejection of said norms. You see this aggressive response from women with children when other women express their desire to be child-free. You also see this angry response against women who decide not to get married or get partnered with men. The rejection of societal expectations feels like a personal attack against people who want those things when it isn’t.
The conflation of womanhood with motherhood
There’s this societal conflation of womanhood with motherhood. If you are a woman, you must necessarily be a mother at some point down the road. It’s why women who experience fertility issues can find themselves questioning their womanhood when the two are entirely unrelated. The womanhood of women who choose to be child-free is often questioned.
Womanhood is not a function of reproduction. In a society in which our conception of gender is mostly binary, all woman largely means is you are not a man and were likely assigned female at birth That’s it. It has nothing to do with whether you choose to reproduce or are able to.
The idea that women’s value is tied to motherhood is dehumanizing. Women can’t just be valued as people absent of the realization of motherhood. There’s also this widespread societal belief that the desire to have children, to nurture life is innate in women when it’s demonstrably not the case.
Patriarchy and misogyny
In a patriarchal society, we are all actors and we have been given our roles to play. Women are supposed to do this and men are supposed to do that. One of the things women are supposed to do is get married and bear children. Marriage is a place of subjugation for women and children when they come decreasing the likelihood of divorce or ending the relationship. This keeps the patriarchal society functioning like a well-oiled machine.
The refusal to do either is a rejection not just of the patriarchal order but a rejection of men which is inconceivable to certain people. Women are raised to desire men’s attention above all else, taught to view other women as competition for the attention and affection of men who are viewed as the prize in a patriarchal society. This refusal to play the game and be whatever men have decided women must be is viewed as a rejection of men. Feminism has long been viewed as a man-hating ideology. Any rejection of the patriarchal order is viewed as a rejection of men which cannot be allowed to stand in a patriarchal society.
The belief that it’s new
There’s this belief that this decision to opt out of having children is a new thing that modern women are doing when historically there have always been women who were child-free. It’s true, more women than ever before are choosing to be child-free but there have always been men and women who did not have children.
The chilling truth is we live in a severely authoritarian society with only the illusion of freedom to deceive and comfort ourselves. Most people prefer a society where people follow the rules and walk the well-worn paths without deviating. No questions asked, no changes, no progress. People are not allowed to choose what they want to do with their lives from who they love to whether they have children or not. At every turn people’s freedom to live their lives is curtailed and people are forced to conform to societal pressures and expectations. We are not anywhere close to as free to choose as we imagine, yet we have more freedom to choose than our ancestors, the millions of women who lived before us and that’s something. That’s everything for women who exercise the freedom to opt out of childbearing or rearing.
Check out the Nation TV interview here Kutotaka Mtoto kwa Hiari | Gumzo la Sato
eck out
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Mum Shaming: 7 Things You Shouldn’t Say To A Mother
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