When you get married, you also marry your partner’s family. It’s easy to declare that you only care about your spouse and their extended family doesn’t bother you. However, this may not always be true. Like most deceptive people, toxic in-laws don’t display their bad behaviours until they’re well entrenched in your life.
A most common stereotype is a mother-in-law who is constantly on her daughter’s case. In this instance, there are usually signs like backhanded compliments and insistence on wedding choices going their way. But for these daughters-in-law, their husbands tell them that things will settle once they marry and move away.
When this doesn’t happen, it can feel premature or rash to resort to divorce. Besides, you love your partner, you just wish their family would leave you alone. They’re only toxic to you so you aren’t sure how to tell your partner to avoid them. Giving your partner an ultimatum can make it difficult to have a healthy relationship. Toxic in-laws end up taking away a lot of power within your relationship, making it exist on their whims. There are steps you can take to save your marriage and manage toxic in-laws. 7 Ways To Deal With An Annoying Mother In Law
1. Don’t engage
Toxic in-laws are always looking for ways to weaponize personal details against you. Don’t tell them any problems you’re facing. Make sure to speak to a therapist, your friends, and your partner. Ensure your partner also doesn’t tell them anything about you, your kids, or whatever pertains to the relationship. Be civil and cordial but distant. This way they have nothing to use against you. It can seem difficult to have to keep a part of yourself at family events or when they come to visit but it’s necessary for your peace of mind.
2. Set boundaries
One thing toxic in-laws like to do is make the new child-in-law “know their place”. For example, a toxic mother-in-law will show up unannounced, often. They will also demand that the house be decorated according to their standards. Sometimes the way to set boundaries is to ensure they call first before showing up, taking spare keys from them and defying their “suggestions”. They can try to use your children against you but it’s important to limit the time impressionable children spend with a toxic grandma. You can also ensure all visits are supervised and completely cut them off if they become too much. How To Set Boundaries And Stop Being A People Pleaser
3. Don’t try to change their perception of you
What people say about you behind your back is none of your business, a wise man probably said this. But it’s still true. If your in-laws secretly hate you, it’s not up to you to change their minds. If it was a misunderstanding, they would have been mature enough to come to you for clarification. In addition, if you genuinely did something wrong, a healthy person would come and tell you what you did and how it hurt them. This allows you to course correct, adjust, and build a better bond with them.
But maladjusted toxic people will have you bending over backwards to impress them. They create a dynamic where they use the carrot and stick method to govern your behaviour. The carrot is a reward when you do things according to their standards. This can include gifts, being included in their cliques, or praise. The stick is a punishment or removal of the “carrot”. Using this to determine your plans will just exhaust you emotionally. Relationships: When Your Family Does Not Like Your Partner
4. Avoid self-doubt
Don’t start wondering what is wrong with you that would make people who barely know you mistreat you. There is likely nothing wrong with who you are. If you feel like you need to “fix” yourself, try faking self-confidence. This will boost your self-esteem and help you avoid the pitfall of worrying about what your toxic in-laws think about you. Using ‘Fake It Till You Make It’ To Achieve Self-Confidence
5 Tips To Help You Boost Your Self Confidence
5. Pick your battles
If you’re a naturally non-confrontational person, you may want to avoid your in-laws altogether. This can work if your partner is also a victim of their toxicity and you both want to protect your family from them. However, say your father-in-law is toxic but suffered a bad fall and now has to live with you full-time until he gains full mobility. There’s no way to run. Sometimes you have to face your toxic in-laws head on but you also need to be strategic about it.
For example, if your visiting mother-in-law insists on a meal being prepared a certain way, you don’t need to fight over that. You also don’t need to agonize over it because they’ll criticise the meal even if you secretly hired a starred chef. There are things you can fight them over like when they overstep boundaries, try to force you to decide things about your children that are against your beliefs, or bully you.
If you’re someone who knows how to manage conflict, you can deal with a toxic in-law like you would a toxic coworker. Find ways to reduce their power. For instance, if they declare that your children should go to a different school than what you have planned, ask for a fee amount that they can’t handle, and that way they are forced to let go. When your toxic auntie who constantly harangues you about your clothes won’t leave you alone, send them an itemised bill from a fancy clothing store that carries all the items she wants you to wear. This is passive-aggressive but it allows you to maintain your power and makes them stop bothering you. They will still gossip about you and probably try to “report” you to your partner but at the very least, they will leave you alone. Relationships: 7 Tips For Managing Relationship Conflicts
6. Create distance
If you have family members who are gracious and kind, spend more time with them. Pointedly avoid the toxic in-laws by never extending invitations, skipping their events, and actively ignoring them. This is one of the last resorts if your in-laws become too much to deal with or actively harm your mental or physical health. If your partner doesn’t want to go in contact with their family, make it clear that you will not be participating in anything that involves their relatives. Opinion: On The Rise Of People Going No-Contact With Their Parents
Check out:
A Survival Guide For Meeting The In-Laws For The First Time
Before You Pop The Question: A Marriage Proposal Checklist
It can get really hard to deal with inlaws if you don’t get along. Check out these stories
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