When you’re a successful person, it can be frustrating when your partner doesn’t match up. If they are not living up to their full potential or haven’t gotten their dream job like you, it may feel like they’re falling behind. When you’re confident and your partner is shy or fashionable and your partner doesn’t care about their appearance, it can feel like your partner is weighing you down. These feelings can come from a place of comparison or compassion. However, wanting to help your partner change for the better can be tricky.
When you have a partner who isn’t as established as you, the compulsion to change them grows. You feel the need to give them a morale boost. Perhaps even empower them. If you find yourself constantly criticizing your partner or feeling let down when they don’t meet your expectations, you may need to examine why you want to change them.
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Should you change a partner?
You may oppose the idea that you’re trying to change your spouse. However, criticizing your partner may seem instinctual. When you’re more established, you may feel your perspective is more valid. Even the simplest domestic demands are trying to convert their personality. While some may be reasonable requests for a compromise, like asking them to pick up after themselves, you can’t have expectations of a partner outside of mutual respect.
Your confidence and place in life can give you an unspoken sense of superiority. Suppose you made a radical decision about your life, such as moving away or returning to school. However, your partner may oppose it because of shared responsibilities, and finances, or they disagree. If you end up in an argument trying to convince your spouse that your choice should be unchallenged, you’re still trying to change them. You can come to a compromise of how you’ll still share your household responsibilities but you shouldn’t try to convert them to your brand of thinking.
There is a belief that when you have it made, your partner must start seeing the world as you do. That way, they, too, can unleash their inner baddie. If they can accommodate your opinions, they can emulate your behaviour too. But what’s important to remember, nobody owes you anything. Nobody changes on another person’s say so, not even because of true love. In toxic situations, you may issue an ultimatum that either leads to a relationship with a power imbalance or an implosion.
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Why acceptance works better
You can’t change your spouse; you can only change yourself. Unless their actions harm you or your mental health, you shouldn’t attempt to alter their behaviour. Seek out your wellness first. If a spouse constantly undermines you, it may be time to leave. If they keep criticizing you, it may be time to enforce boundaries. Accept your spouse as they are but don’t try to change them.
Only people who are willing to change will make an effort to. In addition, people only do so when the current situation is no longer acceptable. It will rarely be by your actions. Helping people change is a skill best left to life coaches and behavioural therapists.
Applying pressure on your spouse to change can also worsen your relationship, even when it’s small behaviours that could improve their quality. Forced change is done by nagging or coercion. This can also lead to avoidance. Your partner can also fake their new behaviour around you to forego conflict.
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Sometimes when you want to change a spouse, you don’t want to confront your shortcomings. You want your partner to get out of their comfort zone so that you can feel better. When you catch yourself doing this, a shift in perspective is in order. You’ll need to understand more about where others are coming from and what makes them tick. Believing you’re right can always lead to friction and no self-development. Being a baddie is excellent for you, but your relationships require more understanding and compassion. Spouses don’t have to match your confidence or your standards.
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How to cope
Happy relationships need compatibility and compromise. If you’re someone who cares about fashion, your partner can make more effort in their appearance. However, there are certain things that a partner will never change. Your partner won’t make you a priority, stop lying, stop abusive behaviour or any other toxic habits. But there are some instances where a little push and pull from both parties can lead to a healthy relationship.
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1. Pick your battles
You can’t convince a partner who refuses to change to become a better person for you. But minor infractions can be tackled every once in a while. Habits that are annoying can be changed depending on how you approach them. Instead of insisting or nagging, you can reward better behaviour.
2. Accept differences
If you and your partner are complete personality opposites, you can’t change them. When your partner is a homebody and you’re the life of the party, it’s better to accept how you differ. Occasionally finding events that suit you both so that you can spend time outside your home can be helpful to your relationship.
3. Consider your values
Being successful isn’t everyone’s goal. Some partners are happy staying at home and taking care of their families while others need a career to feel fulfilled. Trying to morph a partner’s core values to suit your own never works. You may need to learn either to compromise and accept who your partner is or get another partner who shares similar values.
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4. Counseling
If you find yourself constantly frustrated by your partner but you still love them, couples therapy can be helpful. Studies show that couples who regularly attend therapy have a higher success rate. Sometimes the problem is that your partner was a different person when they met and you want them to change back to who they used to be. Maybe they were more romantic, ambitious or outgoing. Examining these feelings and changes with a therapist is healthier than letting your relationship descend into fights and resentment.
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