17 Myths About Abuse And Abusers That Need Debunking

Men’s abuse of women and children is at record-high levels in Kenya. So high that activists want it to be declared a national disaster. So many of the beliefs we have about abuse and abusers are patently false. Our society is permeated with myths about abuse that continue to come up as people talk about our current crisis. We’ll use the book, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft, to examine these inaccurate beliefs that float around in our society.

Book cover Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft and the words 17 myths about abuse and abusers — Lundy Bancroft – 17 Myths About Abuse

One of the best things about the book is how he uses the real-life examples of women he’s come into contact with and the things they’ve said to him. Here are some things women have said to him.

He’s crazy.
He feels so bad about himself. I just need to build up his self-image a little.
He just loses it.
He’s so insecure.
His mother abused him, and now he has a grudge against women, and he takes it out on me.
I’m so confused. I don’t understand what’s going on with him.

Here’s a small exercise before we begin to dissect the myths. Stop reading and write down everything you’ve heard about where an abuser’s problem comes from. Write down everything you’ve heard about why abusers abuse. Then we can debunk those origin stories one at a time. Bancroft goes over 17 myths about abusers. How many have you heard and worse, believed? Don’t worry, I imagine everyone has at least one.

He was abused as a child.
His previous partner hurt him.
He abuses those he loves the most.
He holds his feelings in too much.
He has an aggressive personality.
He loses control.
He is too angry.
He is mentally ill.
He hates women.
He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment.
He has low self-esteem.
His boss mistreats him.
He has poor skills in communication and conflict resolution.
There are as many abusive women as abusive men.
His abusiveness is as bad for him as for his partner.
He is a victim of racism.
He abuses alcohol or drugs.

Let’s explore each briefly, very briefly. Bancroft goes into details but I’m not going to be able to do that, so check out the book if you can. It’s a bit of a long read because I included a few examples. Here’s to learning and unlearning.

Myth 1: He was abused as a child

This is the hurt people hurt people myth. He was mistreated as a child by his mother or stepmother and now he has this thing against women. This is a perfect way to escape responsibility because it makes you sympathetic towards him and lays the blame of his abusive behaviour on some other person, usually some other woman.

Research finds the link between suffering childhood abuse and abusing women to be weak. In fact, men who are victims of childhood abuse are more likely to be violent towards other men (Page 47).

There was a revealing study that was done in which a researcher asked child sexual abusers if they had been sexually victimised as children. 67% of the men said yes. Then the researcher informed them he’d be hooking them up to a lie detector test and asking the same question. The percentage of men who still answered yes dropped to a measly 29% from 67% (Page 48).

The other thing Bancroft asks men is if you’re so in touch with what abuse did to you, if those feelings are still so strong as to affect your present behaviour, you should be less likely to visit the same abuse on another person because you know what it feels like, right? Usually, after he points this out, they stop bringing up their alleged childhood abuse, because it was only ever an excuse, a way to gain sympathy and escape accountability. It was an excuse not to change.

Myth 2: His previous partner hurt and mistreated him

This is a combination of hurt people hurt people, and his wicked ex made him like this.

According to the abuser, the things she allegedly did that made him this new horrible man may include things like cheating on him, trying to control him, expecting him to wait on her hand and foot, turning the children against him, getting him arrested, etc.

Usually, when you dig a little deeper, none of this turns out to be true. In fact, usually, he is describing his own behaviours towards her.

So many women have had the misfortune of being with abusers, and so he immediately gets sympathy. The stories he tells also excuse his abusive behaviour. Oh, he is so jealous because his ex cheated on him. Oh, he loses his temper when you tell him to clean up after himself because his ex was so controlling. Oh, he keeps cheating on you because his ex cheating made him afraid of commitment.

A man who was genuinely mistreated in a previous relationship would not be using that experience to get away with hurting you. The moment he uses that experience as an excuse to mistreat you, stop believing anything he says about that relationship and if you can, track down that ex and talk to her.

Myth 3: He’s abusive because he feels so strongly about you

First, if he felt so strongly about you, he’d reserve his best behaviour for you. Many people reserve their best, kindest behaviour for their loved ones and partners. Do these people feel less strongly for their loved ones? No.

Second, abusive men have other people they’re close to. Do they also treat them so poorly? Do they abuse their other loved ones? No.

That tells you everything you need to know about this. He feels so strongly about you that he’s abusive myth.

Myth 4: He holds in his feelings too much, and they build up until he bursts

This is the one who claims he is just repressed; he just needs to get in touch with his emotions and learn how to express them, so he doesn’t explode.

Here’s what Bancroft says, “Rather than trapping everything inside, they [abusers] actually tend to do the opposite. They have an exaggerated idea of how important their feelings are, and they talk about their feelings—and act them out—all the time… When he feels bad, he thinks that life should stop for everyone else in the family until someone fixes his discomfort.”

It’s not his feelings he’s too distant from; it’s his partner’s feelings and his children’s feelings.

Myth 5: He has a violent, explosive personality. He just needs to be less aggressive

Let’s call this one, the fascists wear black. It’s the assumption that only certain types of men are abusers and that you can tell by looking at them or by characteristics like race and education.

The assumption is that abusive men come in one type, angry, aggressive. Meanwhile, the majority of abusive men are calm and reasonable in their dealings with other people. Plus, the gentle, sensitive ones can be vicious and even violent to their partners.

This is also the one that assumes that only poor, uneducated, ugly types are abusive; meanwhile, professionals and college-educated men have roughly the same likelihood of abusing women as anyone else.

Class and racial stereotypes regarding abuse are particularly strong in this myth.

Myth 6: He loses control of himself. He just goes wild

In one story, a woman tells Bancroft how her partner would just lose control and break everything, then later, like a storm, it would pass, and he’d be calm and embarrassed about what had happened. Bancroft asked her two questions. 1. When he broke things, were they hers or his? If you guessed hers, go to the front of the class. 2. Who cleans up the mess afterwards? If you guessed her, once again go to the front of the class.

It wasn’t so berserk after all, and if he’d been really remorseful, he’d have cleaned the mess he made.

Men know what they’re doing. They are aware of the tactics they’re using and why they’re using them. Bancroft says, “As we review the stories of my clients throughout this book, you will observe over and over the degree of consciousness that goes into their cruel, controlling actions.”

Always remember that men who have apparently lost all control find a way to calm themselves down when police arrive. Because they had never lost control in the first place. Self-control is not the issue. In fact, one abusive man told Bancroft about how he managed to escape arrest repeatedly. He talked about how calm his demeanour would be by the time the police got there. His partner, whom he’d been abusing on the other hand, would be the one who was out of control because of fear, but all the police would see is a calm man and a hysterical woman.

Myth 7: He’s too angry; he needs to learn anger management

Abusers are not abusive because they are angry. They are in fact angry because they are abusive. Their beliefs and thoughts produce fury, so no amount of anger management would work for them anyway. This is best expressed in this story. This woman’s twelve-year-old son had been missing for two days, and she was distraught and focused on that alone, looking everywhere for him. Meanwhile, her new husband was slowly approaching boiling point until he eventually exploded, yelling, “I am so sick of being ignored by you! It’s like I don’t even exist! Go fuck yourself!”

Non-abusive men would never respond like that. They wouldn’t be expecting to be catered to and would instead be focused on supporting and comforting their partner. The way abusive men think, the things they believe are responsible for making them angry. It has nothing to do with their partner or their anger management abilities.

Abusive men don’t have an anger problem; they have an abuse problem. Everyone gets angry, yet not everyone abuses. Perhaps he is most intimidating and most abusive when he is angry, but his abusive pattern is always operating, even when it’s not so pronounced.

Myth 8: He’s crazy. He’s got some mental illness that he should be medicated for

Mental illness doesn’t cause abusiveness any more than alcohol does. A mentally ill abuser has two separate though interrelated problems: they have an abuse problem and a mental health problem. They may be worse if they’re mentally ill, but the mental illness is not the cause.

Abuse can’t also be a product of mental illness if they only abuse one person, their partner. For the abuse to be a product of mental illness, their destructive behaviours would be visited on everyone in their life, not just confined primarily to their partner.

Myth 9: He hates women

So here’s where I disagree with Bancroft: he says abusive men don’t hate women because they often have close relationships with their mothers. Then he says that what abusive men have when it comes to women is a disrespect towards them. He says that “while a small number of abusive men do hate women, the great majority exhibit a more subtle-though often quite pervasive-sense of superiority or contempt towards females.”

Here’s my thing, though… that sense of superiority, disrespect, contempt, belief that women should cater to their needs and are not worthy to be taken seriously, is what we mean when we say abusive men hate women. Hate is not that feeling, it’s this contempt, disrespect and inferiority they view women with.

So, what do you think, are you with Bancroft? i.e. Abusive men don’t hate women because they have a close relationship with their mothers or sisters or whoever else, or are you with me… that that disrespect and contempt constitutes hate?

Let me know in the comments.

Myth 10: He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment

First, all kinds of people are afraid of intimacy and abandonment, who don’t abuse their partners.

Second, wife abuse is just as severe in cultures where there is no expectation of intimacy between husbands and wives, where marriage has nothing to do with a real emotional connection.

Third, some abusive men keep their distance the entire time so they never even risk triggering whatever fear of intimacy they may have, yet the abuse continues.

Finally, abusive men usually have their worst incidences of abuse after periods of mounting tension, not when they are closest to their partner, to trigger their alleged fear of intimacy or abandonment.

Myth 11: He suffers from low self-esteem. He needs his self-image shored up

Abusive men are usually self-absorbed, expecting everyone to cater to them and bend over backwards to meet their needs. Thinking their issue is low self-esteem just turns even more of the focus on him and his needs, which only makes him worse. He gets used to the attention, and his demands only escalate.

Bancroft makes a great point here when he says, “Think for just a moment about how your partner’s degrading and bullying behaviour has hurt your self-esteem. Have you suddenly turned into a cruel and explosive person? If low self-esteem isn’t an excuse for you to become abusive, then it’s no excuse for him either.”

Myth 12: His boss abuses him; as a result, he feels powerless and unsuccessful. So, he comes home and takes it out on his family, where he can feel powerful.

This is another version of hurt people hurt people and more of poor, lower-class people are more likely to be abusive. You know how it goes: the boss abuses the man, the man abuses the woman, the woman abuses the child, the child kicks the dog, and the dog bites the cat.

This is not true for many reasons, including that abusers count among their ranks good-looking, successful men at the tops of their fields. In fact, Bancroft says, “the more power these men have in their jobs, the more catering and submission they expect at home” (which is why I think rich, powerful men are extra dangerous).

Anyway, Bancroft says, “In my fifteen years in the field of abuse, I have never once had a client whose behaviour at home has improved because his job situation improved.”

Myth 13: He has poor communication, conflict-resolution, and stress management skills. He needs training.

It’s not that they don’t have communication and conflict-resolution skills; it’s that abusers don’t want to handle these kinds of issues non-abusively when it involves their partner. They resolve conflict and communicate perfectly well in other situations, such as at work or with other people.

Myth 14: There are just as many abusive women as men. Abused men are invisible because they are ashamed to tell.

First of all, it’s not easy for women to speak about their abuse either. This thinking underestimates how humiliating it is for women to reveal abuse. And how many women also crave dignity.

Second, when it comes to men claiming abuse, it’s important to remember that abusive men commonly play the role of victim and most men who claim to be “battered men” are actually the perpetrators of violence, not the victims.”

Third, if men were being abused at nearly the same rates, neighbours would hear something, and police would be coming across these cowed, abused men. Bancroft says that about one-third of his physically abusive clients were arrested because a neighbour called the police.

People often respond that women are more emotionally abusive in response to this argument. Bancroft recounts this story. “In their efforts to adopt victim status, my clients try to exaggerate their partners’ verbal power: ‘Sure, I can win a physical fight, but she is much better with her mouth than I am, so I’d say it balances out.”

One very violent man said in his group session, “She stabs me through the heart with her words,” to justify the fact that he had stabbed his partner in the chest with a knife.

To this, I reply with Bancroft’s words, “There certainly are some women who treat their male partners badly, berating them, calling them names, attempting to control them. The negative impact on these men’s lives can be considerable. But do we see men whose self-esteem is gradually destroyed through this process? Do we see men whose progress in school or in their careers grinds to a halt because of the constant criticism and undermining? Where are the men whose partners are forcing them to have unwanted sex? Where are the men who are fleeing to shelters in fear for their lives? How about the ones who try to get to a phone to call for help, but the women block their way or cut the line? The reason we don’t generally see these men is simple: They’re rare.”

Claims of women’s emotional abuse are gravely exaggerated.

Myth 15: Abuse is as bad for the man who is doing it as for his partner. They are both victims.

Obviously, being an abuser is not a healthy lifestyle choice. Still, abusive men, unlike addicts, don’t ever hit rock bottom. Their relationships and careers can remain successful regardless of their abuse. They also bounce back quickly from their abusive actions, which is never the case with victims.

Abused women contend with emotional and physical pain, loss of freedom, self-blame, trauma, and so much more. Bancroft says, “An abuser can usually outperform his victim on psychological tests, such as the ones that are routinely required during custody disputes, because he isn’t the one who has been traumatised by years of psychological or physical assault. No one who listens carefully to the tragic accounts of abused women and then sees the abusers each week at a counselling group, as my colleagues and I have done, could be fooled into believing that life is equally hard for the men.”

So no, they’re not both victims. Their suffering is nowhere near comparable.

Myth 16: He is abusive because he has faced so much societal discrimination and disempowerment as a man of colour, so at home, he needs to feel powerful.

More of the hurt people hurt people. The boss abuses man, man abuses woman, woman abuses kids, kids kick the dog and the dog bites the cat.

First, in the US majority of abusive men are white. Many of them are well-educated and rich. So, discrimination is not a central cause of abuse.

Second, and here I’ll quote Bancroft, “If a man has experienced oppression himself, it could just as easily make him more sympathetic to a woman’s distress as less so, as is true for childhood abuse.” Choose to be better.

Myth 17: alcohol is what makes him abusive. If I can get him to stay sober, our relationship will be fine.

Alcohol cannot create an abuser, and sobriety cannot cure one. Abusiveness can only be overcome by dealing with abusiveness. If a man is an alcoholic, they have two problems: alcoholism and being abusive, which is often a product of their beliefs and values.

Brief recap, here are the common myths about abusive men out there: