Recently I had the opportunity to listen in on a discussion between a couple with children and another who want kids but haven’t gotten them yet. The couple with children shared the many fears they have about having children and as they kept talking, I was like, wait, I feel that too. Except, don’t get mad, I don’t have kids, I have cats. Stick with me. You know how people online are often incensed by any comparison of children and pets most commonly done by pet owners? Don’t be mad, I’m about to do that… kinda but also respectfully. Let’s talk about the main fears they have about raising children and how they mirror those of having pets demonstrating that having pets is not the full escape it appears to be.
Staggering fear of death
If one of the reasons you’re afraid of or reluctant to have children is the fear of dying and leaving them to be cared for by others, I hate to inform you that opting for pets instead will not offer the escape you’re looking for.
Kids: One mum said it wasn’t until she had children that she was gripped with a staggering fear of death. She was afraid of dying and leaving her child alone in the world with no one to care for them in the way she would. Plus, she was deathly afraid of her child dying and couldn’t so much as stomach the thought.
Cats: A few days after I adopted my first cat, out of nowhere it occurred to me that my cat could die and all things held constant would die before me. And friends, when that realization hit me, I was inconsolable. I cried intermittently for hours that entire day and was despondent the rest of the week. I still live with the fear of what will happen to my four cats should anything happen to me because like that mum, I’m convinced no one can care for them like I do.
Fear of not being able to provide
If your worries about not being able to consistently provide for children and meet their needs is a factor in your choice not to have children, then you should know while pets are a million times cheaper, for low-income earners, this will remain a fear.
Kids: The couple with kids talked about how the fear of not being able to meet their children’s material needs kept them hard on the grind. The couple without children talked about how the high cost of things like education had them really worried and even reconsidering how many children they could reasonably support.
Pets: As a gig worker who is also the primary breadwinner in my household, thoughts of not being able to support my cats are never far from my mind. I often have to deal with the guilt that comes from not being able to give them better health and food options. For example, I can only feed them what I can afford and the only thing that assuages the guilt is they are all rescues which means they likely would be living harsher lives out on the streets.
Raising them in this crazy world
If one of the reasons you are hesitant to have children stems from a fear of raising them in this crazy scary world, then pets may not be for you either.
Kids: The couple with kids talked about the ever-present fear of raising them in this crazy world and knowing you won’t be able to protect them from every harmful or painful thing. There’s no shortage of things that can hurt your child from malicious people to illnesses and existential threats like climate change and so much more.
Pets: A friend of mine had a black kitten and when it left the house to go play or something, some superstitious person killed it. Violently. This one time one of my cats ran out of the house, got scared, and went into the wrong house, the owner of the house beat her up so bad I had to rush her to the vet for emergency care. It’s a scary world and having pets, not kids doesn’t free you from having to live with this fear of someone harming your young charges.
All the unknowns
Kids: The couple who still don’t have children talked about their fear of all the unknowns involved in having and raising children and how worried that made them.
Pets: I can’t really speak to this. Whatever unknowns I worry about are not uniquely linked to having cats.
Fear of health issues
If one of the reasons you’re hesitant to have children is fears about all the health issues that could affect them and your ability to handle it not just emotionally but also financially, you may need to reconsider pets.
Kids: The couple who don’t have children yet talked about how scared they were of having children with health issues and everyone agreed that was a big one.
Pets: Friends, there’s no escaping this one with pets. They get sick and it scares the bejeezus out of you. At least with children, there are hospitals you can rush them to even in the middle of the night, in many places. No such luck with pets especially on a slim budget. Just as with children when your pet is sick, you spend sleepless nights agonizing until they get better. This isn’t equating the suffering of a cat and a child… just a statement of what happens when one’s pet is unwell. It’s also occurred to me that if my cats get any serious, expensive to treat illness my only option will be to put them down. That’s a painful realization to come to and a fear that grows as they get older.
How your entire life changes
Kids: Everyone knows kids will change your whole life, especially if you’re a woman. Everything changes. All your decisions now factor in this little human or two.
Pets: While pets don’t necessarily change everything, they change a lot. You can’t just disappear for the entire weekend without making plans for the care of your little friends. If you’re planning to travel for extended periods or even to relocate, now that’s something you have to factor in and work into your plans.
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Having children is obviously the greater undertaking and no reasonable person would contest that. I can’t even imagine all that’s required to raise a whole mature, decent human being from a wee baby. The purpose of the piece isn’t to compare them but to show how the same emotions are experienced by both, albeit to different degrees.
What listening to couples with children has taught me is that all love comes at a cost. Loving children will extract a heavy cost on your life. Loving pets and bringing them into your home will extract a heavy cost on your life. The costs are nowhere near comparable, for sure, but when your cats are your babies, damn it’s significant.
If you’re afraid of loving because you’re afraid of losing the object of your affection, pets are not for you. Caring for anything, anyone is a huge risk that cannot be escaped by substituting pets for children. All loving will break your heart. There’s no escaping this pain. It’s what living is.
People with children often talk about the indescribable love they feel for their children, how they didn’t know they could love anyone that much until they had children. How their children unlocked a whole new level of love that makes all the challenges worth it. At the risk of sounding like I’m just copying the homework of the parents with children, I’ll say, the way I love my cats is like nothing I’ve ever felt for anyone, ever. It’s an overwhelming, sometimes almost tangible love. The only person who comes close is my mum. And it’s close.
P.S. If you’re one of those who like me thought having pets would be the pain-free, risk-free option, it may be time to reconsider just how similar they are. For people with children out there, go easy on people who compare having pets to having children, you see how similar it is, right? At least kinda? A little bit? Hopefully. #FingersCrossed
Check out
How Having Children Impacts Your Relationship
Lifestyle: The Hidden Costs Of Owning Pets
