My ex and I have taken the definition of a toxic relationship to a whole other level. I can’t stand the guy, but for some reason, I can’t leave him alone. He seems to feel the same way because we end up arguing and swearing that we’re never going to meet again every time we’re together. A week later, we’re back to the same cycle. Most of our friends think that we broke up a long time ago, and we haven’t spoken to each other, but we’ve been secretly seeing each other for years.
We were the perfect couple when we started dating. It was like a fantasy come true. James did everything right. I felt so secure and loved around him. The more time we spent together, the more I fell for him and we became inseparable. We were that couple that always went everywhere together. That was probably the root of our issues in the relationship. We became too dependent on each other so whenever we weren’t together, we would get jealous and insecure.
“What did you do today?” I asked.
“I went to work, then to the gym.”
“Gym? Who was at the gym?”
“I don’t know… the usual people who are there.”
“Did you see any women?”
“Yeah, there were women.”
“Why were you looking at them?”
“I wasn’t looking at them. They were just at the gym.”
Such conversations would turn into an argument and we’d end up texting back and forth the whole night. In the morning, we would call each other to apologise and say how much we loved each other.
Sometimes, we would have explosive fights in front of our friends and they would think we were going to break up only for us to show up together a few days later. After many such fights, our friends finally had enough and staged an intervention.
“Your relationship isn’t healthy.” Kate, my best friend, said.
“How do you know?”
“You’re always fighting.”
“We fight because we love and care for each other.”
“Is that what he told you?”
“You can’t understand.”
“I don’t want to understand. You’d better break up before it’s too late.”
Our friends threatened to cut us off if we continued seeing each other, so we started doing it secretly. At first, I was worried that the relationship wouldn’t last long if we weren’t together in public but things were better than ever. We fought less and James became more romantic. He would cook for me, decorate the apartment with flowers and candles and we would have the best nights at his place.
Nonetheless, we had to keep things undercover because our friends didn’t want us together. Keeping things a secret was thrilling by itself. That was probably the reason we argued less. We loved hanging out with our friends separately, then going back home together.
“Are you coming over tonight?” James texted me while sitting across from me at our friend’s place.
“Of course. What time are you going back?”
“Around 8.”
“Okay. I’ll come right after.”
We’ve almost been caught sneaking around a couple of times. The first time, Kate saw a notification from James and questioned whether we were still seeing each other.
“Definitely not. He just messages me once in a while to ask me to get back together with him.” I explained.
“You better not. That man is no good for you. Look how happy you are now.” Kate cautioned me.
The other time we almost got caught was when his friends came over to his house unexpectedly. It was common for them, especially James’ younger brother, David, to come to his place. He knew that we had broken up so if he found me at his place, he would have been surprised. I had to stay in his bedroom the whole day until they left. It was one of the longest days in my life. From then, I only went to see him secretly in the evening when he didn’t have unexpected guests.
While it’s been a thrilling experience seeing my ex secretly, it has gone on for too long now. It has been over seven years. Yes, seven years have gone by with a man that I can’t even call my boyfriend. We have tried to move on several times but we always come back to each other.
We have recently reconnected after nearly a year of being apart. I was hoping that James would be ready to settle down but he doesn’t seem like he wants to. He simply wants to have fun with no strings attached.
“We’re both in our 30s now and we need to start thinking of the future,” I said to him, trying to persuade him.
“We do but I’m busy right now with my career.”
“How long will you be busy? Your career won’t give you a family.”
“I want to start a family but I need to plan.”
It seems like he had every excuse not to be in a relationship with me. The worst part was when he revealed that he was in a relationship during the one year that we were apart and that he wanted to settle down with her.
“The only reason we broke up was because of her baby daddy,” he said.
“Baby daddy? She had a child.”
“Yes, she had one child and a successful business,” he added.
Finding out he was in a relationship with a woman who had a child, yet I was child-free, and he didn’t want a relationship with me was like a punch in the gut. It made me question my worth as a woman.
Despite the issues I have with him, I’m still with him. I see him a few times every month. I still don’t understand why I can’t leave him. Every time I tell myself that I won’t see him or talk to him again, I end up going to his place as soon as he asks me to.
I’m worried because I’m really attached to him and I haven’t been able to have a connection with anyone else. I can’t continue seeing him secretly but he doesn’t seem keen on having a serious relationship with me. I’m simply the girl he sees secretly and I don’t know when it will change.
Check out
He Bragged About Sleeping With Another Woman After We Went On A Date
My Family Pressured Me To Date And Get Married To A Toxic Man
The Toxic Love Cycle That Made Me Realize I Needed Therapy
My Romantic Boyfriend Was Actually A Toxic Love Bomber
My Toxic Ex Harassed Me On Social Media Until I Had To Deactivate My Accounts
How I Found Out My Boyfriend Was Secretly Gay
