You meet someone on a random weekend. You didn’t even plan on going out, but you have cancelled on your friend countless times. You’re an adult now, fully aware that the friendships that last are the ones you nurture. The messages you respond to, the meet-ups you attend and showing up for important dates. So despite the allure of a warm bed, comfortable clothes and a nice book or sappy movie, you dress up and meet your friend.
They ask you to meet them at a new tavern. That’s new because your friend is a creature of habit. You’re curious. You spot her as soon as you enter. She’s seated next to two handsome men. Okay, you say that because it’s the polite thing to say, but you’re only referring to one of them.
“Hey, latecomer!” Your friend says as she gives you a warm hug.
She introduces you to her company, and you learn he’s Ken. He smells as good as he looks. It’s not an intoxicating scent. You only smell it because you’re sitting next to him. The whole time you’re trying out their cocktails and burgers, you wonder what kind of guy uses a scent that makes a statement without screaming. The way your brain works, you know you’re possibly in trouble.
The four of you talk for hours. It’s like you’ve known each other for years. It’s an easy interaction. You don’t have to put on a show. You’re having a Sloppy Joe. None of the new faces reached out for a fork and knife, and you know you’re in the right company. The banter and the jokes all feel natural.
Ken is funny. You haven’t laughed that hard in aeons. You’re old enough to know love at first sight is mostly mythical, but it gladdens your heart to know he is single. You ask why, and he says he’s not ready for a relationship. You take that to mean there’s hope for one in the future.
That becomes the premise of your life for the next two years. You’re not delusional; he doesn’t commit to you, so you know you’re not a thing. He also doesn’t commit to other women, giving you hope. You go for lunches and dinners. When something happens, they are the first person you tell. They soon become part of your life’s committee- the inner circle that’s your sounding board. You help each other decide when to change jobs, move houses, colour palettes, solve emotional dilemmas and everything in between.
You feel physically safe with them, but there’s always an inch of anxiety when you think about your feelings for them. On most days, your relationship is fine without having to define it, but on some days, you’re awoken to the reality that you’re dancing around flames.
Good men ask you out. You go on dates with some of them. At least with them, you can actually say that you’re going on a date. You dare not use that word when meeting Ken because it might open Pandora’s Box. On the outside, you’re a single girl going on dates searching for love, but deep down, you know someone already has your heart.
You flinch when other men ask if you’re single. It’s easy to tell your girlfriends you’re not seeing anyone. Telling seemingly good men that you’re available when you know where your heart lies feels wrong. Stringing along men isn’t something you enjoy. You choose him without saying it out loud or admitting it to yourself. There’s a space in your life, in your heart, that you hold out for him. An open invite of sorts is waiting for him when he is ‘ready’.
You continue pouring into your relationship with Ken. At this point, you’re not even trying to learn him and do good by him; it’s become second nature. You know he hates oily food, overcooked cabbage and fleshy maandazi. His boarding school experience ruined his relationship with carrots. He hates brightly coloured clothes, but he thinks a particular shade of pink goes well with his skin tone. You can tell when his partnerships with employees, business partners or new friends won’t work out even before they end.
You’re there for him. He’s there for you, but you know you want more. You show him affection but also hold back a bit because of the missing detail. Eventually, the aching and yearning force you to have an uncomfortable conversation.
“I’m focused on work and planning for the future. It’s not the right time for a relationship,” Ken says.
It’s a familiar line. The waiting, the anxiety and the hope chip at your peace. You know loving an emotionally unavailable man is like trying to fill a glass with a small invisible crack. It never fills, no matter how hard you try. The one-sided situation gets to you. It takes immense courage to walk away, but you finally accept that he’ll never be yours despite choosing him countless times.
Check out more stories in The Singlehood Series
When He Sends You Mixed Signals – “The What Are We” Question
When Mr. Right Just Wants To Keep It Casual…Friends With Benefits
All Is Fair In Love And War – Our Friendship Turned Into A Chess War Over A Man
My Best Friend Used Me To Test Her Boyfriend And It Ruined Our Friendship
He Married Her Because She Was Pregnant But Not Because He Loved Her
My Longtime Boyfriend Married Another Girl After He Promised To Marry Me
