When Phil said, “My parents will love you,” I was delighted. I thought I was lucky. Many people worry about their in-laws not liking them. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would have to worry about my husband not loving me.
In hindsight, I should have picked up the cue when several of his friends sounded surprised that we were getting married. “Haiya. You’re really settling down with Lillian?” I overheard one of his female friends ask.
The question rubbed me off the wrong way, and I threw a fit about it.
“She’s just surprised I am getting married,” Phil said. Looking back, I was rightfully disturbed by the remark, but for the wrong reasons. How could I have known his friends were surprised he married me despite loving someone else?
Her name was Sharon. I learnt about her a month before he proposed. He said she was his ex. I accidentally saw her photo in his cloud backup. Google Photos reminded him of his activities from a year before.
The photo was of him and Sharon jet skiing in Diani. They looked so happy.
“Who is she?” I had asked him.
“Oh, I thought I had deleted this. She’s my ex,” replied Phil.
“You guys look so in love and happy. Why did you break up?” I asked.
“We wanted different things,” Phil said dismissively.
I would later learn that while it was true, they had different wants. The problem was that Sharon wanted him to tell his parents about them. Phil struggled with the request because he knew his parents would disapprove of her.
Sharon was tired of being loved privately or only in specific public spaces. I soon came into the picture. He proposed within months of dating, which surprised me because I felt like we hadn’t spent enough time together to get to the next stage.
I convinced myself that his busy work schedule was the reason. Phil was a pilot. His parents worked hard to make it happen, and he was the favourite son. That also meant that the parents had an idea of the ideal woman for their son.
I fit the bill. I was a lawyer, thriving, and had roots in church. I also came from the same tribe as Phil. ‘Just right’ was how Phil had described me.
I didn’t stop to wonder why and who I was suitable for, but you can’t fault a lover girl. I would eventually learn I should have stopped to find the answers to those questions. Four months into marriage, I noticed a change in Phil’s behaviour. He was more distant and stressed. After asking and investigating, I found a message from Sharon.
“I can’t continue being your dirty little secret.”
“Baby, you know I had to marry someone my family and society would accept,” Phil said.
I went into full detective mode. His friends hesitated to speak to me about it at first, but I managed to emotionally blackmail one of his female friends into telling me the story between Phil and Sharon. It turned out Sharon was a budding artist and had a child from a previous relationship. She was also from a different tribe. They were in love and perfect for each other, but Phil feared his parents would disapprove of her because of those reasons. He was their golden child and needed a ‘befitting’ wife. He had seen how the parents had treated his brother’s wife, whose only ‘mistake’ was being a teacher.
Sharon couldn’t understand why Phil couldn’t stand up for her, which ultimately broke them up. However, they still had feelings for each other and continued their romance even after Phil married me. I fought for my position as Phil’s wife. I even threatened to tell his parents, but it only worsened our relationship. Through the tears and heartbreak, it became clear Phil loved Sharon, but I had checked his boxes. It took a while, but I eventually left because I felt unloved except for his parents’ love for me.
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