One of the most humiliating things I’ve ever done in my life was begging a man to stay with me. It wasn’t like I didn’t have any options but at that moment, it felt like my world was coming to an end. I felt a deep pain that I couldn’t explain. However, the worst part was how nonchalant he was. He really made me feel ashamed of begging him.
Derrick and I dated for a few months but many things transpired during that period. We fell in love the first week of knowing each other. We were already calling each other ‘babe’ and spending nights at each other’s apartments. I was confident that he loved me just as much as I loved him. Hence, I fully trusted him and opened my heart to him.
“We’re never going to break up,” I said to him, during one of our usual Netflix and chill nights.
“Definitely. I should start shopping for rings. I’ll propose to you in the next few months.”
I chuckled but hoped he was being serious. Derrick never gave me a reason to think that our relationship wouldn’t last.
The relationship kept growing and growing by the day. We learnt so much about each other in such a short amount of time and there were no secrets between us. We even knew each other’s salaries and phone passwords. Not to mention, everyone rooted for us. All our friends kept telling us that we were relationship goals. However, that was the spark that lit the fire.
“If you ever break up, I’ll stop believing in love.” Clara, one of our mutual friends, said.
“Don’t worry. That’s not going to happen.” I assured her.
The issue with people putting your relationship on a pedestal is that it can never be realistic. Derrick and I loved hosting people every weekend and that invited many eyes to our relationship.
Though we never had any problems, we had moments where we needed time apart. However, our friends always expected to see us together. I made the mistake of attending a friend’s birthday dinner without him and everyone kept asking where he was. We loved spending time together but every once in a while we both needed our alone time which we never had.
I could notice Derrick distancing himself at times when we were out together which only made things worse. It’s one thing to spend time apart separately and it’s another for someone to ignore you when you’re together.
“What’s wrong?” I asked after he kept avoiding me all night at a bowling alley with friends.
“Nothing.”
“Why have you been avoiding me all night?”
“We don’t have to be together all the time.” He snapped.
My friends looked at us but Derrick kissed me which diffused the situation.
However, things were never the same after that. That was the first time I realized that our relationship wasn’t as perfect as I thought and that Derrick had his shortcomings. Still, I loved him and was willing to deal with anything.
Our relationship became for the show instead of for us. Whenever we planned anything, including dates, we had to make sure that we were wearing matching clothes and the locations were aesthetic.
We no longer planned date nights to spend time together. I could feel and see that we were drifting apart yet there was nothing I could do since everyone thought that our relationship was perfect.
“If things continue like this, I don’t see us lasting very long.” He said.
That was when the begging began. I didn’t want the relationship to end obviously so I tried to entice him with things I thought would make him stay.
“Let’s go on a getaway to Naivasha.” I suggested.
“Is it going to be just us or is anyone else coming?”
“Just us.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“Please, babe. We need this trip badly.” I said, literally begging him.
“Okay.”
The trip was a disaster. Derrick was not in a good mood and avoided me the whole time.
“If you wanted a solo trip, you would have come here by yourself,” I said, slightly annoyed.
“I wish I did.”
“Why are you acting like this? Do you want me to keep begging you until you’re happy?”
He didn’t respond. I don’t think he even cared that I was begging him. Nonetheless, I persisted. We may have been dating for just a few months but I was willing to fight for our relationship since I hadn’t felt the way Derrick had made me feel.
Meanwhile, Derrick didn’t seem interested in being in a relationship with me. It was definitely one-sided at that point.
I was still hopeful since I knew it wasn’t because of another woman. I still had his phone password so I knew he wasn’t talking to anyone else. That made me believe that I could win his love back.
I went to lengths I never thought I would to change his mind. On the outside, our friends thought that I was making grand gestures of love but I was begging a man to stay with me.
It went on for a month. I planned and paid for all the date nights, and paid extra for special services like a saxophone player. However, we went our separate ways at the end of the night. It was like I wasn’t doing anything yet I spent nearly all my salary that month trying to impress him.
Eventually, I realized the only way we could reach an understanding was if we had a real conversation – something we never had.
We met at my place where I had prepared his favourite meal and set the mood with scented candles and roses.
“I thought we were talking about our relationship.” He said after seeing the set-up.
“We are. This will lighten up the mood.”
“I don’t want to waste your time anymore. I don’t think we can work out.” He said as soon as he sat down.
“Why? We were happy together.”
“There’s too much pressure from other people and you seem to do things for them not for us.”
“I do it for us. Please don’t leave me. I’ll do anything.”
“Anything? Really?”
“Yes, anything.”
He was quiet which made me realize that was actually begging a man to stay with me. Despite the realization, I still didn’t want to let him go. I insisted that I was willing to do anything but Derrick didn’t seem like he wanted the relationship as much as I did.
After begging for nearly two hours, we agreed that it wasn’t working between us and broke things off amicably. I haven’t talked to Derrick ever since though I’m tempted to call him every now and then. Surprisingly, our friends were very supportive when we broke up.
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