When it comes to abusive people, it’s often believed that a terrible childhood leads to such a fate. The saying goes hurt people hurt people. And therefore, when individuals who experience trauma don’t process it, they end up causing trauma to others. But there are times when parents enable those who cause trauma to others. In addition, sometimes toxic parents are the ones who create environments where abuse happens to their children.
Enabling mother syndrome is a term given to parents who overindulge their child which leads to a lack of accountability. Toxic parents can also provide too much support which can lead to substance abuse problems, financial mismanagement, alcohol use disorder, or psychological distress. The following are some of the reasons why toxic parents are the ones who are the biggest enablers of abuse.
Why do parents enable their children?
This usually happens because a parent is afraid of hurting their child’s feelings. When parents don’t want to practice tough love with problematic children, they end up reinforcing bad behaviour. It’s also caused by parents failing to establish healthy boundaries. Children, even adult children, need to hear “no” or “that’s enough” when necessary. They shouldn’t be allowed to get away with whatever their malicious hearts desire.
Parents can contribute to abuse by failing to curtail their son’s bad behaviour. You’ll find that in instances where their sons are mistreating their spouses, these parents blame the spouses. For example, when the husband beats his wife because she went out without his permission, an enabling parent will call it discipline. This is especially common among sons who grew up in a home where they saw the same behaviour that was never addressed. Parenting: The Pros And Cons Of Arguing In Front Of Your Children
Sometimes, parents encourage toxic behaviour because they’re afraid of angering their children. For whatever reason, the ire of children is something they don’t want to face responsibility for. It can be because they love their children too much to be upset. It can also be because handling the bitterness and anger of a disappointed child requires emotional depth. Regulating an angry child’s feelings takes a lot of labour. Some parents are either equipped or unbothered to manage that labour.
In other instances, however, these parents take it too far and do too much labour. Instead of letting their children be held accountable, they try to fix what their children did wrong. They clean up the messes, making sure that they remain untouched by the consequences of their actions. When a parent takes responsibility for their child’s misdeeds, they can again reinforce their abusive habits. This can happen because of guilt. Perhaps the child was abandoned or mistreated when they were younger and the parent is trying to make up for it. If a child has unresolved trauma, a parent can overdo it with placating, or rescuing.
Signs of enabling
If you’re a parent who has a child constantly displaying toxic behaviours like bullying or being abusive, your habits may be enabling them. Here are signs to look out for:
- Constantly making excuses for your child’s bad behaviour.
- Not telling them off when they cross a boundary.
- Saying that they’ll know better next time but never showing them what they did wrong.
- Postponing consequences for your child. Parenting: How To Teach Children Anger Management
- Blaming others for the behaviour of your child.
- Befriending your children instead of parenting them. Are You A Best-Friend Parent? Here’s The Problem With This Parenting Style
- Minimizing their wrong-doing.
When you identify yourself as the problem, you need to take certain measures to redress the problem. When your child is young, it’s possible to correct their behaviour sooner rather than later. As adults, they need to be held accountable to the letter of authorities or face complete consequences for their actions like losing their jobs or spouses and not being coddled for it.
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How can parents address enabling?
As parents, how do you take steps to reduce how much you’re enabling toxic behaviour in your children?
1. Set boundaries
Ensure that your children know that no means no. Don’t let them try to negotiate. For example, if your grown son keeps asking you for money which they waste, say no more. If they are financially unstable, pay for bills and rent directly rather than giving them money. As adults, if they insist or turn violent when you say no, limit their contact until they learn to respect boundaries. As children, give them consequences like punishment.
2. Let them face consequences
The first instinct parents have is to protect their child. But if your child has a habit of bullying others or being abusive, they will eventually be reported to authorities. Don’t interfere when this happens. If they get suspended from school for being abusive, let them endure the suspension. As adults, if they face legal consequences, you may be there for emotional support but you shouldn’t shield them from their actions.
3. Communicate
Your children need to hear from you the kind of expectations you have for their behaviour. You should tell them you expect them to be respectful, kind, or honest. Punish any deviations from these expectations. If your child steals, lies, or is rude to an authority figure, ensure they understand why that is wrong then issue the punishment. As adults, if your children are still lying, don’t give an audience to their dishonesty. You can’t discipline an adult but you can show them the errors of their ways by withholding contact to the bare minimum.
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4. Seek professional help
Sometimes your children can be too far gone and you can’t change their behaviour. At this point, seek help from a professional family therapist. They can also help your children with abusive tendencies, regulate their rage, and grow better habits.
5. Change your behaviour
If you stay with a spouse who is abusive or behaves poorly, you may show your child that such behaviour is ok. Take steps to remove your children from such adults. Be supportive without overdoing it. If your child is struggling with homework, don’t do it for them. This teaches them that cheating and shortcuts are ok. Toxic behaviour begins at home, and as parents, you’re the first step to solving it. Parenting Habits That Make Children Avoidant
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