A decade ago and years before that, many romance stories talked about high school sweethearts, perhaps because people found ‘the one’ at an early age. Consuming such content as a teenager and young adult, you imagine you will find love at your first attempt, but the reality is harsh for many people. The proverbial frogs that come before the prince can be exhausting. Going on dates and trying to form connections with different people every so often can be exhausting, so I was so excited when I met Max.
My friend carried me along to attend her friend’s birthday party. Max was the birthday boy. He looked so cool. He had a tribal tattoo on his arm before they became common. Even with the ‘cool guy’ vibe, he was social and interacted with everybody at the party. When he came to where I was, I took the chance to ask him about his tattoo.
“Cool tattoo. Can I see the whole design?” I asked him.
“Whoa, maybe learn my name first before asking me to strip,” he joked.
“Oh, where’s the fun in starting at the first base when we can make our order? I responded.
We talked for the rest of the night. He eventually showed me the whole tattoo and explained that he had tweaked a part of the design to incorporate his idea of identity. Besides having a pretty face and toned body, he had depth.
Our conversations flowed with ease. There was hardly any topic that we couldn’t have a discussion. He was knowledgeable, which I absolutely loved about him. It helped that he was well-travelled, but he was a curious person, so he picked up a lot of knowledge from different sources. We could talk about politics, music, sports, family and finances from watching a two-minute clip of something.
As you decide what traits you want in a partner, you begin to identify qualities that matter to you. Being with a great conversationalist was essential to me because you would not run out of things to talk about even after the honeymoon phase was over. It also helped us form a friendship.
I gushed about him to my friend. “What has Max said this time?” My friend would tease me if I went too long without mentioning him. I always had something Max had said about an issue because we talked daily. The connection was undeniable — or at least I thought it was. They say the best foundation for a lasting relationship is friendship, and I felt we were building that foundation.
We went to many places together. We both enjoyed trying out different types of food, so we sampled restaurants around the city and its environs. After a number of hangouts we could even recommend stuff to each other because we had learnt what the other person enjoys. He’d be out with his friends and text me that I would enjoy fish from a particular place because it had an ingredient I liked. Max checked almost all my boxes.
Our bond grew with each passing day, and we even helped each other with serious stuff. He’d tell me about his workplace and the people he interacted with, and I felt like I knew them. When he needed to figure out how to handle a situation, he’d sometimes say, “You’re more patient with people than I am; what would you do if you were in my shoes?” I would give him my opinion. It felt like we were a team.
He would also volunteer minute details about his day, and having experienced men who treated such communication like ‘reporting’ his whereabouts, it did a number on me. I told my friend that I felt I had found the love of my life. We hadn’t started dating officially, but he was sharing information that you ought to tell your significant other.
Max would also work towards finding solutions. For example, when I had a problem with my laptop, while technology wasn’t his forte, he looked for information on how to solve the problem. When we couldn’t do it ourselves, he asked for technician recommendations. He remembered insignificant details, and when I said I wanted to do something, he held me accountable.
In my mind were getting to know each other before putting labels on our relationship. Then suddenly, he went quiet for about two weeks. He didn’t ghost me, but the frequency of communication was reduced. Then, we went back to communicating daily. Out of the blue, we were talking about house designs when he casually mentioned that his girlfriend had a similar opinion to mine.
“Your girlfriend?” I asked. I hoped he would say he meant a girl who was his friend.
“Yes. I didn’t tell you I started dating recently?” Max responded.
“Oh, I don’t remember you mentioning it,” I said, trying to hide the sting.
“I met someone and I think she could be the one,” he said excitedly.
I feigned excitement and immediately called my friend. “The love of my life has found the love of his life,” I told her. I explained what had happened.
“Wait, so what have you guys been doing?” She asked me.
“I don’t know. I’m surprised that he was able to form a deep connection with someone else at the same time we were talking and doing all those things together. I’m hurt,” I said.
“Sorry babe. I don’t even know what to say. I’m shocked,” my friend replied.
Seeing as he had never asked me out officially, I took the hint and moved on. Finding that connection with someone is, however, difficult.
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