Clinginess in relationships is defined as constantly needing reassurance or support from your partner, often compulsively or frantically. It often looks like a person who asks for repeated promises in the relationship even after their partner has gone out of their way to demonstrate their love and commitment. They nevertheless remain skeptical of their partner’s feelings. Clinginess is highly subjective. What is clingy to one person may not be clingy to another and the reasons why people exhibit this behaviour are varied. Let’s talk about why people are clingy and some signs of clinginess.
Causes of clinginess
Being clingy is often a result of unmet needs whether physical, emotional, spiritual or mental.
- Insecurity
- Low self-esteem
- Abandonment issues
- Anxiety and fear
- Mate value discrepancy (refers to the difference in attractiveness between two people. For example, you consider yourself average-looking while everyone, including you considers your partner far more attractive than you)
Signs you’re the clingy one
1. Constantly call and message
A clingy person always wants to know what their partner is up to. This often looks like constant calls, texts, and chats throughout the day when you’re not together. They don’t just expect constant communication and interaction but immediate responses. If you’re the kind of person who sends consecutive messages or calls numerous times when you don’t get someone, we’re likely talking about you.
2. Constantly ask for reassurance
Clingy people constantly ask for assurance yet still battle doubt even after their partner reassures them. If you find yourself asking questions like these, you may be the insecure one:
- I don’t believe you love me. How do you know that you do?
- Do you think I’m attractive?
- Are you sure?
- Will you ever leave me?
- Can you tell me again?
3. Hypervigilance and surveillance
If you’re constantly checking your partner’s phone and tracking their social media activity, you may have a clinginess problem. This is especially true if this is done with the purpose of digging things up then asking your partner invasive questions.
4. Controlling tendencies
Clinginess often graduates to controlling behaviour where you want authority to dictate what your partner can and cannot do. You want them to act in specific ways and when they don’t that becomes evidence to you that they don’t love you enough.
5. Constantly feel insecure about the relationship
Having some insecurities about your relationship is normal, especially in the beginning, but if you constantly feel insecure, if you constantly need reassurance from your partner, you may be the clingy one. Especially if after their assurances and efforts to prove their love and commitment toward you, you still feel the same.
6. Possessive and jealous
A certain measure of jealousy in a relationship may be normal, however, if you’re overly frustrated and suspicious when your partner interacts with other people, something is off. For example, If you don’t like it when your partner makes plans with others, plans that don’t involve you, you may be the clingy partner. All a clingy person wants is for their partner to always spend time with them and when they spend time with other people, it heightens their feelings of insecurity. Everyone is some kind of rival or threat.
7. Overly physically affectionate or always in their space
Physical contact is one of the cornerstones of a good relationship, however, if you’re overly affectionate especially in the presence of other people, doing things like literally physically clinging to your partner, you may be the clingy one. This can also look like always being in your partner’s space and never letting them enjoy their company or just be away from you. It can also look like tagging along with them even when you’re not supposed to.
8. Indirect communication of needs
Clingy people may struggle to directly ask for what they need in a relationship. If you often resort to giving signals or manipulation because outrightly asking makes you feel deeply vulnerable, you may be the clingy one.
What to do
- Accept there’s an issue
- Reflect on why that may be the case for you. What’s the root cause?
- Have an honest conversation with your partner about it
- Spend time apart for example pursue your passions or even hang out with other people
- Give your partner space
- Establish healthy boundaries that will reassure you and give your partner space
- Understand that your partner cannot meet all your needs
- Take time to focus on yourself
- Seek the help of a professional if you feel you need it
Check out
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