Conflict is normal, healthy even. Sometimes though a fight can be so big, so intense that it feels like there’s no coming back from it. The kinds of fights where everyone says things they wish they could take back. These types of huge blowouts should be few and far between in a healthy relationship. Here are some ways to recover from a big fight with your partner.
Time and space
Taking some time and space from each other can help you calm down, reflect, and even begin to recover or heal. This is especially important if your partner says they need time. Don’t try to force an immediate reconciliation. Go to bed angry and wait to talk when both of you are ready.
Make the attempt
Don’t underestimate the power of a good repair attempt. Reach out and apologize, make a joke at your own expense, offer some kind of peace offering. Do something to show your partner that you are sorry about what happened.
Find common ground
When you get a chance to sit down and talk, begin by finding common ground. While it may seem in the heat of the moment like you are worlds apart, if you try, you will find something you both agree on. Think back to the fight and find something your partner said that you agree with. This strategy not only helps you empathize, but it also validates their position, their feelings. You could say, “It’s reasonable that you want ____” or “You made a good/valid point about _______.” Acknowledging their needs, wants, thoughts and feelings is a great place to start.
Own your stuff
It’s easy to fixate on your partner’s problems, their fault in this whole thing while ignoring any bit that was your responsibility. Take ownership of the role you played in the conflict. This is not the time to focus on proving how right you are. It’s the time to be authentic and vulnerable so that your partner can do the same.
Address the issue
One thing big fights don’t do is solve the issue at hand. Once the dust settles, it’s time to address the issues that were raised and any underlying problems that may have caused it. Be kind and don’t hit below the belt. Avoid accusations and don’t be defensive, that is only likely to extend the fight further. Try and focus on the specific issues raised, one issue at a time. Trying to discuss all your issues at once will leave you having settled nothing. If you find that any discussions end up becoming big blowouts, it may be time to seek professional assistance.
Try physical connection
Physical contact with the other person can trigger feel-good chemicals that dampen stress and fear, making you calmer. It is also associated with empathy, trust, and bonding which can only be helpful as you try to resolve your issues. Just don’t do it without your partner’s consent, they may not be there yet and that’s fine.
Sample phrases to guide you:
- It’s reasonable that you want us to ________
- You made a good/valid point about __________
- I’m not sure what the solution to ______ is, but I understand that you’re dissatisfied about it. We’re a good team, we’ll figure out a solution we can both live with.
- I’m sorry I haven’t taken your complaint about ______ as seriously as I should have.
- You’ve been trying to talk to me about _______ for ages, and I’ve been brushing it off. I’m sorry I’ve done that, I should have paid attention sooner.
- I wish I hadn’t brought up ______. I know it embarrasses you.
- I’ve taken to heart what you said about ___________.
Check out
Relationships: 7 Tips For Managing Relationship Conflicts
Things You Should Never Say To Your Partner No Matter How Angry You Are
Relationships: 9 Major Signs That Your Partner Doesn’t Love You Anymore
