Couples who are struggling and considering divorce often test a trial separation before signing the dotted line. A trial separation is different from a legal separation which requires the involvement of lawyers. A trial separation is an informal agreement between spouses to live apart for a specified period of time, usually before deciding whether or not to proceed with a divorce. Here are the benefits of a trial separation and how it can help your marriage.
Trial separation
Some key things to keep in mind if you’re considering a trial separation include:
- Be specific, honest, and vulnerable about your concerns and needs
- Set boundaries and have clear expectations
- Make an agreement to have regular therapy sessions
- Don’t assume that your partner wants the same things that you do
- Talk to your children honestly but don’t give them too much information or false hope
- Don’t date other people while you’re living apart
- Take time to learn about yourself and use the time to view your relationship from a fresh perspective
Potential benefits of a trial separation
Taking time apart can have a number of benefits including you:
- Get time to work on yourself
- Can work on your responses to your partner especially if you have some key issues you haven’t had time to think through deeply
- May appreciate your partner more because absence makes the heart grow fonder and all
- Get a chance to cool down especially if you’re upset about something your partner did such as cheating
- Get a glimpse of what life would be like apart to determine if that’s what you really want
- May prevent a premature divorce
Potential risks of a trial separation
Taking time apart can have negative consequences including:
- You could grow apart making reunification even more difficult
- Problems may go unresolved now that you’re not in each other’s faces every day
- Your situation could end up becoming public which may be difficult if you are not ready to let people in on the strain and difficulties you’re facing
- If you have children they may end up confused about this no man’s land you’re on as a family
- If you’re certain you want the relationship to end, a trial separation is not a good way to gently ease your partner into the idea of a divorce
How to make a trial separation work
There’s no clear data on how many marriages survive a trial separation. One estimate has it that about 25% of couples reconcile after a trial separation. The likelihood of success is based on how viable the relationship is and that there be absolutely no contact between the couple so that it deeply sinks in just what it would be like to live without each other.
- Your trial separation agreement needs to cover:
- How long your trial separation will last (usually between 3 and 6 months)
- Decide how to pay the bills and split the money in any way they see fit
- Decide where children and pets will reside, if applicable
- Work together on determining who will manage the assets
- Take time for self-care
- Seek support from family and friends and resist the impulse to be isolated
- Decide when and how to communicate
- Prioritize therapy
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