Men have needs is one of the most ubiquitous relationship phrases. Castigating women for withholding sex often follows such sentiments, complete with quotes from religious texts reminding women that doing so is improper, and discouraged. Let’s go on a deep dive into the underlying beliefs animating these sentiments.
Men have needs
Women exist to satisfy men’s needs
Men have needs is commonly used as shorthand for men have sexual needs. Needs that are gravely consequential and that should not be ignored. Needs that women must take seriously and meet. Men’s problems always somehow become women’s problems. If a man is turned on or sexually frustrated, his woman must be ready to help him take care of it. If she doesn’t jump in to take care of it and he finds another way, another woman to take care of it, it’s not on him. This is women’s sole purpose to satisfy these needs.
Apologia for cheating and abuse
This phrase has been used to justify the actions of cheating men from the beginning of time. It’s been used as an apologia for men who cheat on their sick wives or pregnant wives or wives who just gave birth. Men have needs. They can’t just help it. This idea that they are at the mercy of these urges and just can’t help it has also been used as an apologia for rape and other sexual abuse. “Oh, this woman was dressed skimpily, and men have these powerful needs so it’s on her for tempting him and arousing his desire.” It’s everyone’s fault – women, biology, their raging needs, even children; everyone’s fault but men.
Conclusion
It infantilizes men, making them look like they can’t control themselves. It suggests that men can’t take care of themselves by just rubbing one out, and that it’s somehow women’s problem. Men have needs places the blame of men’s apparent inability to control themselves on women. It equates men’s sexual impulses to a need like food. One can live without sex, they can’t live without food. There is no comparison. None.
Women withholding sex
Once society convinces women that sex for men is an existential need, it suggests that women must then do something about it. If a woman for whatever reason can’t or won’t submit to being used as an object for sexual relief, they are demonized. There is no shortage of sermons censuring women for withholding sex.
No such thing as withholding sex
First, women cannot withhold sex from men because they don’t owe men sex. No woman owes anyone sex not their partner, spouse or that random one whose just paid for their drink. Withholding suggests a contractual agreement which suggests wives are under some kind of obligation to supply sex and that failure to do so is somehow being in contravention of an agreement. Not wanting to have sex is not somehow denying your partner something owed to them. Sex is an intimate act both parties decide to participate in, if anyone is acting under some kind of compulsion, it becomes something else altogether. It’s no longer sex. It becomes a harmful act.
Sex is the only power women have
In a society in which most of the power is held by men, women’s power is reduced to sex and sexual desirability. For too many women, the only power they have in the relationship is related to sex so they may refuse to have sex as a way of exerting this power. That’s entirely within their rights especially when dealing with a partner who will otherwise not give a hoot about what they have to say.
The state of the relationships matters
Men are socialized to view sex as a mere physical act that means nothing. Women are just sexual objects they use to achieve sexual release. It means nothing. 2Face, a Nigerian musician recently uttered statements to this effect saying, “Like it or not, men are wired like that. A man will love a woman to hell. But maybe he is somewhere, his dick would just decide something to f*ck… But he will not even give a f*ck about that person. He just wants to sort out that sh*t.”
Women are however not socialized to view people as disposable or to divorce their feelings from something as intimate as sex. This means other things affecting the relationship will affect how she feels which will affect whether or not she wants to have sex. Men don’t realize how things slip into each other and just assume she’d be ready to bang one out regardless of circumstances in the same way he would be. Women are not so much ‘withholding sex’ as much as they are just not in the mood to have sex with these men. Period. If she doesn’t want to have sex with you even though you’re in a relationship, sit with yourself and think about some reasons why.
Conclusion
Men have needs is a statement intended to telegraph the supremacy of men’s interests. In keeping with patriarchal views anything that matters to men is immediately elevated to something of supreme importance. Things that disproportionately attract women’s interest and attention are immediately classified as petty and trivial. It’s worth noting that women’s sexual pleasure is not given any consideration by this discourse. It’s wholly inconsequential. All that matters is men and their needs. It’s why when there’s an alleged rise in loneliness among men, it’s everyone’s problem, but if it’s stay-at-home moms, it’s just shrugs all around.
Women matter. Things that matter to women matter. Women’s pleasure matters. Women’s freedom to consent matters. Sex is not a need. If you’re so pressed, rub one out. Not a single woman on the surface of this earth owes a man sex.
Men have needs? … Who doesn’t? Who doesn’t?
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