I’d never been insecure about my looks until I met my ex. He was the true definition of a toxic man but before I realized it, it was too late. I was too deep in the relationship and according to him, breaking up was not an option. I had to endure mental, emotional and verbal abuse from him for more than two years. He would constantly degrade my looks and tell me that I needed to do plastic surgery.
The irony was that any time I would go out, I would get so much attention and compliments from people that I didn’t know. I was so confused. On one hand, the man who swore he loved me would tell me that I was ugly. On the other hand, other men and women would tell me how beautiful I was. It affected my self-esteem so much that I barely went outside. When I did, I got so anxious and would rush back home. That’s what he wanted. He wanted to keep me on a tight leash so I would never leave him.
Sometimes, I wonder what my life would be like if I was still with him today. I would probably be depressed or worse.
“Why are you getting so fat?” He asked.
“We eat too much junk food,” I answered.
“It’s too much. You need to lose weight or should I get you plastic surgery?”
I would laugh anytime he mentioned plastic surgery because it had become like a chorus. It’s true that I had gained weight but what did he expect? When we met, he shamed me for being too skinny. Now, I am too fat. I couldn’t win with him and I gave up trying. Still, it didn’t stop him from abusing me any chance he got.
“Why don’t you look like my friends’ girlfriends? I can’t even take you anywhere in public.” He said.
Meanwhile, his friends would always ask me why I was with him and that I should date them.
“I can take care of you.” They would say.
Dan must have known that he couldn’t compete with other men and that was why he degraded me. He also had a history of being cheated on which must have made him deeply insecure. However, these weren’t excuses for him to treat me the way he did.
Despite the abuse I faced, I still loved him. I still don’t understand why or how but I did love him. He was a good person deep down inside and we had our magical moments. However, he would change his whole demeanour suddenly and I had to walk on eggshells to avoid getting into a fight with him. I was always quiet when he started provoking me since I learnt that arguing with him was pointless. He didn’t care about anything I had to say. In fact, it only angered him more and he would continue abusing me for hours.
It was only when the relationship ended that I realized how miserable I was. I used to cry myself to sleep almost every day and recall how he would say that I needed plastic surgery. My insecurities got worse when I got a job. After breaking up, I had to look for a job so I could manage to pay the bills. Luckily, I landed a job right away as a supermarket attendant.
I would see all kinds of beautiful women walk in and out of the supermarket every day. Some were alone and some came with their significant others. They all looked so happy and confident. My colleagues were also beautiful. I was the only one who didn’t have an hourglass figure, long nails and human hair wigs. I would go home every day and stare at myself in the mirror and cry.
“Maybe I need plastic surgery,” I said to myself.
My dating life was also struggling. Though I got attention from men, I just didn’t feel confident to be in a relationship. I was scared that I would be stuck in another bad relationship. So, as a defence mechanism, I pushed anyone who showed an interest in me away. However, the single life was starting to take a toll on me. I got so lonely and I started to miss my abusive ex.
Since I hadn’t shared what I went through with him, no one really knew what had caused our breakup. They thought he was a good guy and we broke up because he had to travel out of the country. So, they encouraged me to get back together with him. Additionally, Dan had tried reconnecting with me several times but I ignored him.
“I made a mistake. I promise I’ll be better.” He pleaded via text.
A month later, we got back together. Things were good in the beginning and we even used to go on dates. However, he went back to his old way pretty quickly.
“You’re not even beautiful. I don’t even know what I saw in you.” He commented. “You’re the ugliest person I’ve ever seen.”
My self-esteem was so bad that I stopped going to work since I couldn’t leave the house. Eventually, I lost my job and didn’t have an income. The abusive cycle continued for another year until my family finally noticed that something was wrong. I barely talked to them or visited my mum and when I did, I didn’t have any energy.
“What’s going on?” She asked.
I was quiet since I didn’t want to tell her about my relationship problems. According to her, Dan was a saint and he was going to be her son-in-law.
“Dan isn’t the angel you think he is. He has been abusing me for years and I can’t take it anymore.” I said and broke down in tears.
She suggested that I should spend the night at home, which I did. The following day, we went to the police, got two officers to accompany us and went to Dan’s place to take my things. As I packed my clothes, I could hear my mother scold Dan for what he had put me through. He still insisted that he loved me and as I left, he begged me to stay with him.
I would be a fool to forgive him twice. I moved on though I’m still trying to build my confidence and get back on the dating scene.
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