Every other movie or TV show with a person dealing with heartbreak has this advice – ‘The best way to get over someone is to get under someone.’ It’s so ubiquitous as to be a modern-day proverb. It means the best way to move on when a relationship ends is by having rebound sex with someone ASAP (as soon as possible). The ease and frequency with which it’s invoked obscures the underlying messaging. Let’s talk about why that’s a problematic way of approaching relationships and each other.
Escapist
If your intention is to get over the previous relationship, getting under someone may not be the most efficient course. All it does is provide momentary distraction then once that high is done, you’ll still be forced to deal with the sadness and grief of your lost relationship. It may feel good and affirming at the moment but is far from healthy and is ineffective.
On people
Getting under someone to get over someone has this lurking principle about how we should perceive others. There’s something exploitative and utilitarian about it. You’re looking to initiate a sexual relationship with someone purely for what you can extract from them with zero concerns about their feelings and viewpoint. It’s regrettable that we would treat each other like that, just seeking to take what we want for our own selfish, often undisclosed reasons. Living in a capitalist system already means a majority of us are exploited with the capitalist extracting as much as they can from us without any consideration for our needs much less fair compensation. All we are to them is labour to exploit. That we would allow this market logic to seep into the way we relate with each other is awful.
On sex
When you’re getting under someone to get over someone else, sex is just a means to an end. Casual sex has its place, you don’t have to be committed to everyone you have sex with. Still, a product of the sexual revolution which was overall beneficial has been the devaluing of sex. Sex has been reduced to this physical activity that results in sexual pleasure, hopefully for both participants but most often just men in heterosexual encounters. Sex is no longer this intimate, vulnerable act that involves trust and mutual affection between partners. It’s just an act to slake lust and sexual desire and in this case to help you get over someone.
It’s sad not just because sex is devalued but also because it’s not its best. The more intimate a couple is with each other in other ways including emotional intimacy, the more fulfilling their sex life becomes. What would have been an opportunity to connect and build intimacy is reduced to something casual, and superficial.
We shouldn’t settle for sex just being this utilitarian act or something to just get our minds off other people. Sex can be so much more than that and we’re just cheating ourselves out of something better. Also, the idea that we’re normalizing language that encourages us to use people to further our own ends is troubling. Yes, each person in a sexual encounter has their own needs and intentions but those needs should intersect. It shouldn’t be a Venn diagram of two separate circles that never intersect. We have to start to value each other and by extension, our interactions with each other whether sexual or not. Getting under someone to get over someone else values neither people nor sex, that’s why it must go.
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