An avoidant attachment style can develop if a child’s parents or caregivers are emotionally unavailable or unresponsive over time. This can make the child stop seeking connections or expressing emotions. Children with an avoidant attachment style often appear outwardly independent, suppressing their emotions and not relying on others for support. As children and adults, they may have difficulty connecting and bonding with others. Even when they enjoy the company of others, they try to maintain some distance so that they don’t end up needing others. Let’s talk about some parenting habits that can inadvertently make children avoidant and the problems with that.
Physical discipline
Research continues to find that spanking and other forms of physical discipline associated with authoritarian-style parenting are unhealthy for children. Spanking is not an effective method for behaviour change and physical discipline can change the structure of a child’s brain. There’s the risk of children modelling this as a response to others’ bad behaviour so that they also hit their peers when they do them wrong. The fear and anxiety linked to physical discipline can also make children begin to hide their behaviour from you. Instead of teaching them how to change, you’re teaching them how to hide their behaviour from you. If your goal is to change your child’s behaviour, then you’re better off choosing a discipline strategy that helps them understand why that action is wrong and what they should do instead.
Overly harsh discipline
Overly harsh discipline, another aspect of authoritarian style parenting can make children avoidant. When you’re overly strict or harsh, it makes the child excessively anxious, which can make them pull away from you. Don’t decide on how to discipline the child in the heat of the moment when you’re upset by their actions. Try as much as possible to make the disciplinary action appropriate not just in comparison to the mistake but also their age.
Inconsistent discipline
When parents are inconsistent regarding the enforcing of rules and discipline, children can get anxious even when they’re behaving appropriately. Consistency makes children feel safe. Inconsistency breeds a combination of fear and confusion which can make children pull away and hide from authority figures.
Others
Other things caregivers and parents do that can foster an avoidant attachment in babies and children include:
- Routinely refusing to acknowledge their child’s cries or other shows of distress or fear
- Actively suppressing their child’s displays of emotions by telling them to stop crying, grow up, or toughen up
- Becoming angry or physically separating from a child when they show signs of distress or fear
- Shaming a child for displays of emotion
- Having unrealistic expectations of emotional and practical independence for their child
Check out
A Beginner’s Guide To Gentle Parenting
10 Tips On How To Be A More Intentional Parent
