Do you know that more than 70% of women do not initiate sex and relationships because of fear of rejection?
Women are sexualized in their places of work, worship, homes and in the media more times than we could count. But women embracing their sexuality, communicating their sexual needs and taking control of their sex lives is where we draw the line.
Most women in intimate relationships, have needs and wants to express but somehow fail to because they’ve been conditioned to think that it’s not their place. I bet you can agree with me, that when two consenting parties have sex on their first date, the woman is immediately branded ‘loose’.
The fact that the man actively took part is put to the side and all the dust is thrown at the woman. She either doesn’t respect herself enough or she’s desperate for a man or the most common name; a slut. No one tries to shame the man for dropping his pants on the first date. It is entirely okay for men to have one-night stands, and first-date sex but when the roles are reversed, the holy clans have some scriptures to share.
We all have been raised in different households, so our upbringing, values and ways of life differ in the perception of morality and sensuality. We all know a thing or two about sex. Some of us know that sex should be for procreation while for some, it’s for enjoyment or both.
These notions about sex stem from the information that has been passed down to us from either the people who cared to share (a rare case in most families) or from the media; movies, music or snooping around on porn sites. If you’ve watched porn, then probably you know that men should always be in control, but maybe even the thought of watching porn makes you feel guilty.
It’s somewhat intriguing that women indulge in such bonding sessions with their partners, getting into very vulnerable situations and somehow, still holding back on their wants and needs. But why is it so easy to prioritize the other person and not themselves?
The media, society, religion and industrialists have cultivated such limiting and demeaning beliefs in women to gain control over their sexual lives.
For example; in various denominations, the Catholic church in particular demands that women behave a certain way. Asking for sex, initiating it or even wanting it makes one undesirable in the sight of the Almighty. But when the roles are reversed, it’s perfectly fine.
The disconnect between women’s vaginas and pleasure has been largely enforced by society. A society that is judgemental of how a woman leads her life. Women are shamed for having children, for not having children, for having many or fewer children and for adopting children. No matter their status, shame is constant.
This is probably why women are conditioned to believe that self-pleasure is a sin. How many times have men walked out on dates, ended relationships and shamed women online for possessing sex toys? That woman can be their own source of sexual pleasure is just unacceptable.
These four factors have complimented each other in ensuring that women aren’t sexually liberated and have imposed these limiting sexual beliefs on women, to render women entirely dependent on men for sexual pleasure.
Limiting sexual beliefs women have been conditioned to;
- We are not confident in our own skin. Our bodies evolve as we grow right from adolescence and evolution keeps on changing depending on the stage of life we are on. These changes in our bodies are due to hormonal changes that we most certainly have little to no control over. It may be uncomfortable for some of us to undress, to dress sexy and to appreciate our sexiness because we don’t meet ‘Instagram body goals’. The media and social media particularly have made it seem like we all should be supermodels if we want to flaunt our bodies. This unnecessary competition and unrealistic goals have made us slaves in our own skin.
- We do not have intimate relationships with ourselves. How do we talk, treat and show ourselves, love? Most of us have neglected this very vital role by waiting to be seen and appreciated by other people. What reception do we give ourselves both when happy and sad? It is important that we show ourselves love and the best way is through self-discovery and exploration. Knowing what makes us happy, our fantasies and our sexual preferences makes intimate communication a lot easier and fun.
- We are caught up in limiting sexual beliefs. The way we were raised has a lot to do with how we feel about sex. There are a lot of different myths and beliefs that could be holding us back. It could be our religious beliefs. Some religions make women believe that talking about sex is shameful. Some communities make us believe that sex is supposed to be given to a man.
While this list may go on to explore some of the more mysterious and less understood beliefs that we’ve been told around the world, one thing remains crystal clear, our pleasure is compromised. We are supposed to express, indulge and enjoy sex.
We are fearful of indulging and trusting people because of our past sexual experiences. Women all around the world are experiencing sexual abuse. Odds are you have experienced it to some level. We, as women, are shamed for what we wear. If we wear too little we are told to cover up. If we wear too much we are told to be confident and love our bodies. There is no winning when it comes to today’s social standards.
Our partners can even play a role in this by shaming us or labelling us if we chose to make the first move and initiate sex. If we ask for something we want in the bedroom it can be met with a negative response that makes us embarrassed for even bringing it up. Women are met with so much shame by the world when in reality, we love sex too. We have things that we enjoy in the bedroom just like men. But, we shy away from that expression from years and years of being told what we can and cannot like, wear or do.
The percentage of sexual abuse against women keeps increasing by the day, shaping our mindsets and lifestyles in unexpected ways. Some of us dress down because we might have been sexually abused and somehow people questioned our dress code. Some of us may have been labelled ‘loose’ by our intimate partners because they initiated sex or asked us to do something that we like. We end up closing in on ourselves and never expressing our authentic, most true selves because of such experiences.
We don’t sexually express ourselves. For the longest time, communicating our needs to our partners has been the most difficult thing to do. We prefer to throw some not-so-clear hints with the hope that our partners may notice them. Sex is one of the most fulfilling activities that partners can indulge in to create and establish strong fulfilling bonds with each other. The call for clear communication frustrates the efforts to be happy together. Most people think that women aren’t sexually adventurous because that’s what our silence communicates. Talk, and let that person know what you need.
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