Couples in the movies never have to talk about sex. They are just magically in sync with similar needs, kinks, and desires. Real-life could not be more different. Sexual satisfaction and physical intimacy are too important to wing it with people assuming they know what their partners need and how to please them. Sexual satisfaction is affected not just by what happens during sex but also what happens before and after and is subject to external factors like children and work-related stress. Here are some questions to help partners understand each other better and hopefully improve their sex lives.
Rules of engagement
Be honest and vulnerable about what you want/need/desire/fantasize about.
No getting angry or defensive. Keep your eye on the prize which is improving your sex life.
Keep an open mind with a willingness to change and perhaps try new things.
Be clear about what you just cannot do or are uncomfortable with, not allowing yourself to be pressured into anything.
Questions to spark conversation
Do I effectively communicate to you that I’m attracted to you? If not, what could I be doing better? Is there anything I could do that would enhance your sexual attraction to me?
Are there things I could do more of (outside the bedroom) that would put you in the mood? How can we best set the stage during the day in anticipation of lovemaking later? What would assist you in feeling more in the mood ahead of time?
Are there outside factors that are negatively impacting our sex life? If so, are there ways for us to better manage those outside factors?
What’s a turnoff for you – before, during, or after sex?
About the sex itself
How could we improve foreplay? What turns you on?
What is erotic during sex? Talk about what excites them during lovemaking? How can I better show you love during our lovemaking?
What would you like us to try sexually that we haven’t done or haven’t done recently? Is there anything new you have wanted to try but weren’t sure if you were allowed to want it? What would you like more of?
Are there things you would like to do less of or completely stop?
What have been some of your favourite sexual experiences (whether between us or with others)? Still on that, what was it about those experiences that you loved so much?
What do you love about our current sex life? For you, what does our ideal sex life look like?
Overall, how satisfied are you with our sexual life? How would you rate it on a scale of 1-10? What could we do to increase the score from x to x+1 or x+2?
How comfortable are you with the frequency of our lovemaking? Are we having enough sex? If not, what quantity would realistically make you happy?
How important is it to you that we both orgasm?
After sex questions
Are you comfortable with what we do afterwards? Is there any way we could improve how afterwards feels for you?
Is there any aspect of our sex life that you’re hurt or angry about? If so, what is it? And what would you like from me in order to repair that hurt?
Anything else you would like to say about our lovemaking? Anything else about the entire sexual experience you’d like us to talk about?
Regular satisfying sex is linked to better physical health, reduced stress and anxiety, and increased levels of intimacy. Communication is key. Make no assumptions about your partner’s needs, desires, and satisfaction levels. Be intentional about communicating with a view to improving things for both of you.
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