“Angie, you are bleeding,” his devastated voice echoed through the room.
“Too soon for dry dad jokes babe. I’m pregnant,” she replied.
He was already standing next to her, desperation in his eyes.
“No. Look at your dress”.
She stood still for the next few minutes, staring into space, seemingly absentminded about the blood that flowed freely down her thighs. Brian was holding her, afraid she’d break, but the fragility in his grasp was obvious.
He tried to speak to her, but she didn’t respond. Holding her by his right hand, he pulled her back to the bed and hugged her softly as he reached for his phone. As he unlocked it, he planted a kiss on her forehead. He always did this. Kissed her endlessly while his attention was captivated by something, often, football.
It was a few minutes past midnight, but Nairobi is a city that never sleeps. Even though she’d figured that getting an Uber would be quite expensive at that hour, Brian would certainly get one.
He was frantic. Looking through the window, and cursing under his breath as he went through different apps on his phone. He rubbed her right shoulder, eyes filled with tears. He kissed her again, and a tear fell on her thigh, close enough to the fresh blood that flowed freely.
“You’ll be fine. Don’t worry, I’m here for you. The Uber will be here in five. Do you want to change? Pack something? Better yet, tell me what you need. Let me pack for you,” he volunteered. He always offered to help, from the countless street kids in town to mothers alighting matatus, kids and heavy bags in tow. He always held out drugs and water for her whenever she was sick.
Suddenly, tears welled up in her eyes and soon her face was drenched in tears. Brian held her, pulled the grey robe from the hanger and helped her put it on. He wiped some of the blood off her legs and thighs and slowly helped her into the car.
She was silent for the brief 30 mins on Outering Road, all the way to the hospital. Brian tucked her head in his chest and as usual, planted kisses on her right hand and forehead. His throbbing heart sneaked a wave of guilt and desperation in Angie. He deserved better, a woman who didn’t tell lies, especially on such crucial matters.
On his lap, she wondered if she had made the right decision. If everything would go according to plan at the hospital. If Brian could ever forgive her if he found out the truth. He always boasted of being understanding, but how far could he stretch?
That Tuesday evening, Brian had brought her watermelons, pineapples and some bananas for himself. He had bananas alongside every meal of the day. Unlike most of her exes, he’d whisper a prayer before dining. She found this amusing, almost like an act, until the first night she slept over, and he paused the music player to pray before they could retire to bed.
“Have you done the test?” he asked.
“No. I have irregular periods babe. They’ll show up in no time”.
“Whatever you decide, I’m pro-your choice,” he said.
He kept on insisting that she could be pregnant. It infuriated her, that he had too many questions and assumptions about pregnancy that he wanted her to listen to. Eventually, she decided to take the test to shut him up.
The two lines formed effortlessly in her full glare. Even the blurred line thickened when Brian walked into the bathroom to look at the strip.
“If it’s a girl, I’ll name her,” he said excitedly.
She was dumbfounded, emotionless and simply didn’t react to the news. Initially, she’d thought tears might run down her face, but they didn’t. She felt nothing. She didn’t feel happy, and neither was she sad. She was just there. The lack of emotion irked her. Why would anyone be numb to such news? Did she have to watch a tutorial on how to evoke these feelings?
In the days that followed, they had talked about the future of the baby. Brian was keen to mention that he was ready for the child. He went on about changing diapers, rocking his siblings to sleep and how he’ll break the news to his family. He even called Stacy and told her to prepare to be an aunt on call that night.
She observed silently, certain that his happiness would be short-lived. The only call she made was to Tracy. They had an agreement about these things and she knew exactly what she needed to do. While Brian emphasized that he’d be okay whether she decides to keep the child or not, it was evident he was leaning toward having a child.
So that morning when he left for his match, Tracy dropped by and brought her the pills. She stayed till they dissolved in her tongue and directed her on how she should go about the situation. She had developed some reluctance after she visited the hospital. The heartbeat, the little grey and black image of a little life growing inside her. She held it, she wanted to hold on to it. She wished they would have some more time together.
The bleeding started slightly after the pills dissolved. The pain and cramping were unbearable. The smell of fresh blood scared her and she felt like a loser. She was losing something, somewhere deep within, that felt like was worth holding on to. She put on pads for the better part of the day until Brian got back and she took them off.
As the Uber driver pulled up in front of the gate, from afar, she saw Tracy hovering around the entrance and knew everything would go according to plan.
Next, she began wondering when it would be appropriate to tell him that she’d be leaving the country for her Master’s degree at Brown University. Would it make it so obvious? That she never wanted to have this child from the onset?
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