Talking to your children about sex is difficult enough, talking about pornography must be positively petrifying. Unfortunately, it is unavoidable when children as young as seven are becoming accidentally exposed to internet porn.
The most common way of accidental exposure is internet pop-ups that redirect to porn sites. The average age of exposure ranges from 11 to 13 years old. It gets worse, among underage children, 22% of viewers are under 10 years old and about 36% of viewers aged 10 to 14. Before you completely lose it, here’s a brief guide about how to talk to your child about pornography.
Why you should talk to your children about pornography
With the proliferation of internet connectivity, porn has become the de facto sex ed which is single-handedly enough reason to have that uncomfortable conversation. The dangers of allowing porn to function as a sex ed tool are:
- Children will assume that is that sex is really like or should really be like which could not be further from the truth. Porn is not intended to be instructional nor is it intended for younger audiences. It has unrealistic bodies, unrealistic scenes and is often incredibly problematic, to say the least.
- Pornography really does not mirror healthy relationships. To begin with, there is no consent. Focus is on male pleasure and blatantly sometimes violently dominating the female partners. Sex is shown as something men do to women for their pleasure. Porn is often racist, sexist, and overflowing with misogyny and misogynistic language. It’s about controlling women and forcing them to endure disgusting acts. What’s worse is these violent, dominant acts and objectification of women are portrayed as causing women ecstasy.
- Pornography is an incredibly powerful stimulus. Porn exposure really is not something to trivialize. Porn is a curated fantasy that is more intense than real-life. This is why porn addiction is on the rise and along with it porn-induced erectile dysfunction.
How to have that conversation
Sex talk
Children are naturally curious about sex and if you don’t talk to them about it, someone else will. And that someone else it’s safe to assume will share their own worldviews which may be wildly different from yours. Even worse than that someone may end up being in a pornography movie.
Begin by having the sex talk. Try to make it a continuous conversation instead of one big sit-down. Talk about the importance of consent and the importance of caring for and listening to your partner. You need to talk about misogyny, sexism, patriarchy, and the objectification of women in media and society in general. It does not have to be specifically about pornography.
Parenting: 5 Tips For Talking To Your Kids About Sex
Explain that online pornography is not real
Let them know that sex in pornography is different from sex in real life, as it should be. Explain that it is acting, an exaggerated performance for entertainment. Underline the fact that the relationships portrayed in porn are largely unhealthy and are no model for a healthy relationship. Use this opportunity to explain what makes a relationship positive and healthy.
Not everyone watches porn
Children often feel the pressure to fit in with their peers and there’s always the assumption that everyone’s doing something. Everyone’s having sex, or everyone’s drinking alcohol, or everyone’s watching porn. Let them know that not everyone’s doing it.
Explain the various reasons why people who do not watch porn choose not to. Explain why online porn may not be inappropriate for them and the concerns about people using pornography. If you’re feeling courageous, you could even use the conversation to talk about the economic system and how people are pushed into exploitative activities like sex work just to survive.
Safe places to get information about sex
Share safe places to get information about sex and relationships to counter the messaging from pornography. Also, let them know that you’re open to questions and further discussion on the same.
Conclusion
Pornography has the ability to shape our desires, thoughts, worldviews, and actions. It has conditioning power that should not be ignored. One researcher found that one of the fantasies young men repeatedly reported having was ejaculating on a woman’s face, but they could not account for why this was something they wanted to do. They had never given it much thought, yet it was at the top of the list of the things they wanted to do. If children do not get sex education beyond the usual abstinence-only messaging, they will assume that pornography is an accurate portrayal of sex and go forth and attempt to replicate what they have seen.
In one study, 44% of boys reported that pornography had given them ideas about the type of sex they wanted to try compared to 29% of girls. The Guardian reports that there is a rise in choking during sex with women accepting it even when they do not like it because they think that is what’s normal now and what men like. Everyone loses in this scenario, but none more than women and girls who will be subjected to and will accept as normal, violent degrading acts in the name of sex.
Check out
Dangers Of Using Pornography As A Source Of Sexual Education
Parenting: 5 tips for talking to your kids about sex
Lifestyle: 6 Dangers Of Watching Adult Films
Opinion: The Pornification Of Women & Vajacials, Anal Bleaching And Related Activities
