I have this friend, not really a friend more like an acquaintance, because he doesn’t know me that well. Which means he hasn’t spend a lot of time with me and which also means he doesn’t read my poetry or writings because I bleed my heart into my writing. You can get a relatively good idea about who I am from my writing. Anyway I tell this guy I am single, not searching but he doesn’t get it. He assumed I must have a boyfriend. I told him I am experiencing heartbreak and I am not interested in dating at all right now.
Now after telling him that you would think that he would get the hint. I am not at all interested right now in being in a relationship. But it’s like to him I am a broken clock and I need to be fixed. He should read this post Puppet. He doesn’t hear the “I am not interested in having a man in my life right now.” It’s like he cannot understand the concept of me wanting to be alone, not lonely mind you but alone. Is it that society thinks that men are the only ones who prefer sometimes not to date and be single and it’s abnormal for a woman to want to be single? I don’t know. For me I have done the whole prince charming thing only to discover that he is just another frog in disguise in very good make up and borrowed knight in shining armor gear. So I am in no hurry to look for another Mr. Right or Mr. Right now. But this guy doesn’t get it. So it’s like he is trying to entice me to go out with him.
It’s like this guy thinks that he can fix me, maybe he thinks he is the one who will make me want to be in a relationship. I don’t know but its irritating that he keeps trying to push me into something I don’t want, don’t need right now. Dude read my posts already. There are a couple of reasons why I am not dating.
I am getting over heartbreak. I am healing from internal emotional wounds. I am still in Intensive Care; well actually I got out of there. You could say I am in the High dependency unit. I am trying to heal what is broken before I jump into another relationship. Think train wreck, broken bones, psychological trauma, etc. I will probably be in hospital for a long time but I am getting better. A relationship is not a bandage that will make things better. Going into a relationship with baggage is not a great thing by the way; you just end up living a lie, because you haven’t dealt with your emotional issues.
I am learning to know myself. Somewhere in my last relationship I lost myself. I became somebody else to please my ex it’s the classic story of girl changing to suit boy and then one day you wake up and you have no idea who you are and how you got off your own path. This is a time for self discovery for me. To rediscover me, to discover what I want with my life, where I am going and what I am willing to stand or die for.
I am getting to spend more time with God. This is very important for me. I had neglected my relationship with God for a long time and it’s a chance for me to reconnect. It’s a time when I am deepening my relationship with God so it’s a great time to be single. There are many other distractions by the way but sometimes when you are in a relationship there’s a pull, one suffers either the relationship with God or the relationship. I want to build a strong foundation with God because it’s important to me. This way I can focus on that.
For the last couple of years I have been in school. First doing my professional papers then my masters. To be honest I am physically and emotionally exhausted. Finally I am through with my coursework for masters but its been crazy. Having a full time job and then going to school is not easy and it takes its toll on a person. So being single works for me.
This is also an exciting time for me. I have decided to focus on my writing. It is therapy, both emotional and psychological for me. This is something I have always wanted to pursue but I had kind of put it to the side. So this is a time when I can focus on that. I am channeling my energy, both positive and negative into it. I think heartbreak is good for a writer’s career. It gives so much inspiration. Actually so does being in love. Since I am on one end of the pendulum let me make the most of it. I am focusing my passion on it right now. You could say that I am dating my writing, because that’s what’s making me happy right now.
These are some of the reasons I am single and not searching. I have not said I am single and content. That’s a story for another day. I am working on it though. I am human, I have feelings. Like everybody else I would like eventually to find a guy for whom it would be worth it to go through an emotional roller coaster for but right now to be honest I am not looking. He could be right in front of me and I wouldn’t and don’t want to notice. I want to believe in love but right now I cant handle a relationship or love for that matter.
So if I tell you I am single, not searching, and not available respect that. Don’t try to fix me. I am not being coy. It is not a strategy to make me look more interesting or make me more of a challenge, to see if you can crack through my emotional firewalls. Get it right I want to be single for now. Deal with it. I have.