Sometimes the internet delivers a gut punch that leaves you staring at your screen, heart racing, wondering if you’re reading your own life story. This Reddit post did exactly that for thousands of readers who found themselves nodding along to a nightmare scenario many couples face but rarely discuss openly.
Here is the post by: throwaway12457800
When my [M30] wife [F28] and I got married four years ago, we both wanted children. Now, after four years of marriage, she changed her mind without ever telling me.
We met when she was a college freshman and I was a sophomore, and we started dating about two years after meeting. We really hit it off—she is the most wonderful person I’ve ever known. We get along great together and have always had a good relationship for the most part (obviously, like every couple, we have our fights, but we’ve always been good except for the past few weeks).
Children have always been very important to me. I love kids, I’m a huge family person, and I’ve always wanted to have several (at least three). She knew that since before we even dated; and I always understood that she wanted to have kids, too. When we started dating, it obviously came up, and she laughed at my enthusiasm for a big family but said it was “cute” and she wants to have kids, too, in the future. When I began to prepare proposing to her, we obviously had to confirm some stuff, and once again she told me she wants to have kids. I let her know that I want to have kids early, since I really don’t want to be an old dad. I want to be able to play with them, have the energy to spend time with them, and look like I’m their dad and not their grandpa. She understood, too. We got engaged, then married, and all this time, when people asked us when the kids were coming, she answered perfectly normally and said maybe sometime soon after the wedding.
I’d like to stop just to say that I didn’t marry her to have kids, nor do I consider her a baby factory. We dated for a long time and I really genuinely love her. I’m just making sure that you can tell that it was established many times before and during our marriage that we were going to have kids, and that she knew how important this was to me and that she herself told me she considered it important to her, too.
After getting married, we promised to wait at least two years before having children because we wanted to make sure we had a happy marriage and enough money to properly care for a child. So, we agreed to wait two years to settle ourselves together, travel to exotic places, work hard, and set everything up. Plus, we were still young. I was 26 when I married her; I thought 28/29 was a perfectly normal age to start having children. So we waited, at a mutual understanding.
Then, when the two years passed, I asked her about having kids. She said she was currently going through a really rigorous time at her job because she was close to getting a promotion, but the competition was tight and she really wanted to focus on it without a pregnancy getting in the way. I understood. She eventually got the job, and it was great. Then I asked again, and she said not yet. We moved into a bigger apartment, and she said she wanted to settle in first. I guess, by now, I should have started guessing something was wrong. More time passed, but she insisted I wear a condom and didn’t go off birth control. Then, a few months ago, I turned 30.
Now I was starting to get worried. I expected to have had at least one child by now. I don’t know why I never talked to her about her; we had always been candid about having children together, and I couldn’t possibly think of why she would change her mind. All her excuses seemed perfectly reasonable, but now I was getting the inkling that they were just excuses. So we talked about it. I sat her down and told her that I was 30 and I felt I really wanted to have kids before a certain age had passed. We would both be perfect parents: we’re happy together, we have a spacious home, both she and I have very high-paying jobs and could be considered wealthy, and her parents live 20 minutes away so they can always help out. That’s when she told me she wasn’t sure she wanted kids anymore. She said she felt a pregnancy and then giving birth and caring for a baby would take too much away from the career she was building. I was crushed.
I told her she doesn’t have to quit her job for a child, but she did bring up a point about how much maternity leave would take away from her overall work performance. If she really wanted to continue working, I told her we can both totally afford a nanny for our child to care for him/her while we’re working; plus, her parents live so close. But she told me she doesn’t want to leave our child with a stranger or her parents. It was an awful night; what hurts the most for me is the fact that she’d felt this way for a while now, and she knew how important children are for me, and she should have told me earlier so we could figure things out with more time. After a lot of thinking, I finally told her something I thought might change her mind:
I’d quit my job. I’d stay home and care for the child. She wouldn’t have to take a day off work after giving birth; I’d be here 24/7 for it and any other babies we might have. I knew this was what I wanted; a child matters much more to me than my job. Our family income is pretty evenly split between the two of us, but even with her income alone we can still live comfortably. But she just said I wasn’t understanding her point.
Now, I’m completely lost. Here’s someone I thought I knew, and it turns out I really don’t know anything about her. I understand her goals and ambitions and respect her, but it’s still something that is important to me. It’s still something that I refuse to age and live my life without experiencing. I’m feeling older now; I feel like I should have had a child by now and I want one soon. I don’t want to be too old when it finally starts happening. I asked her if she ever wanted a child, and she just couldn’t answer. Since then, we’ve barely been speaking. I’m going to try to talk to her again and sort this out, because we need to decide what’s going to happen. But I don’t know what to say. I want to get someone else’s perspective, but so far we haven’t told anyone and she doesn’t want us to. I just don’t know what to do right now.
tl;dr: My wife and I got married four years understanding we would have kids together because that is very important to me, and she told me she wanted them, too. Now, she says she “doesn’t know” if she wants children and refuses to give a finite answer. I’m worried and feeling old; I want kids soon. I don’t know what to do; please help.
Let’s be real, when someone you’ve built your entire future around suddenly changes the rules of the game, it’s devastating. But here’s what I learned from diving deep into the hundreds of responses this post generated, and how you can navigate this soul-crushing crossroads with your sanity intact.
The Signs You’ve Been Missing (And How to Spot Them)
Here’s the thing nobody talks about: people don’t usually wake up one day and completely flip their stance on major life decisions. The shift happens gradually, often with perfectly reasonable explanations that mask deeper changes.
Watch for these red flags:
- Conversations about your shared future suddenly become vague
- Previously enthusiastic planning turns into “we’ll see” responses
- Reasonable delays start stacking up without alternative timelines
- Your partner’s body language doesn’t match their words
The brutal truth? If you’re constantly having to bring up major life plans while your partner deflects, that’s your answer right there.
Getting to the Real “Why”
Before you make any life-altering decisions, you need to understand what’s driving this change. Career fears, health concerns, financial anxiety, or simply evolving into a different person are all valid reasons that require different approaches.
One Reddit user shared something that hit home for many:
It’s really not that simple though – she doesn’t know.
I’m the same age as your wife and I’m just the same. I really wanted kids at one point (at 22-23 I had full on baby fever) but now… I just don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. I have a biological urge but I don’t actually like children and don’t want to disrupt my entire life to see if I like my own. It’s a bizarre feeling to be that conflicted, and it’s pretty hard to explain too.
But I do agree that 30 is far from too old. Take a look at some information on fertility and family sizes. As long as everyone’s under 40 it’s fine.
Pushing this into a baby or break situation immediately seems like an extreme response.
This level of honesty, while painful to hear, is a gift. It means you’re dealing with someone who’s being real about their internal conflict rather than stringing you along with false hope.
The Hard Truth About Compromise (Spoiler: Some Things Can’t Be Split Down the Middle)
Here’s where I’m going to be brutally honest with you: some relationship differences have a middle ground, others are binary. Having children falls squarely in the second category.
eshtive353 didn’t sugarcoat it: “If you want children and she doesn’t, then your marriage is dead.” Harsh? Maybe. Accurate? Unfortunately, yes.
You can compromise on where to live, how to spend money, and whose family to visit for holidays. But you can’t have half a baby or be sort-of parents. This is one of those cruel mathematical realities of relationships that no amount of love can solve.
Understanding the Professional Stakes (Because Context Matters)
Before you write off your partner as selfish or career-obsessed, let’s talk about the very real professional penalties women face for becoming mothers. This isn’t about being dramatic; it’s about economic survival in a system that punishes parenthood.
ThrowawayTink2 laid out the reality: “Childless women will get promoted ahead of women with children, because the reality of the situation is, even with a SAHP or Nanny, there will be doctor appointments, school events and sick kids. The woman’s attention will be divided, instead of solely focused on the upward trajectory.”
Understanding this doesn’t solve your problem, but it might help you see your partner’s perspective as strategic rather than purely selfish. Sometimes what looks like cold ambition is actually calculated survival.
The Resentment Trap (And Why It Destroys Everything)
Here’s what happens when you stay in a fundamentally incompatible relationship: you slowly poison everything good between you. ThrowawayTink2 lived this nightmare and shared the brutal aftermath: “Your anger and frustration will grow with every friend that has a child, every acquaintance, every family member. Every time you hear about ‘Jimmy’s baseball game’ or ‘Julia’s ballet recital’, it’s like a knife to the gut.”
This isn’t weakness, it’s human nature. Watching others live your dream while feeling trapped creates a special kind of hell that corrodes even the strongest relationships.
Why Your “Solutions” Probably Won’t Work
I know you’re frantically trying to find a way to make this work. Offering to be a stay-at-home parent, suggesting surrogacy, proposing adoption, all are admirable attempts to bridge an unbridgeable gap. But here’s the thing: logistics solutions don’t fix fundamental incompatibility.
ThrowawayTink2 explained why good intentions aren’t enough: “If she has a baby she doesn’t want, just to keep you, she may well resent the baby and you as much as you would resent her if she doesn’t have a family with you.”
Nobody wins when someone becomes a parent under duress. Not you, not your partner, and not the child.
Making the Choice That Will Haunt You Either Way
You’re facing an impossible decision, and I won’t pretend otherwise. You can stay and accept that your original dreams are dead, or you can leave and lose the person you love most. Both choices will have different consequences.
ThrowawayTink2 chose to stay initially, then shared the long-term consequences: “I chose to stay with him at that time, but I will NEVER look at him the same way, and will always be angry with him and resent him for denying me children in my 30’s… We are in the process of separating now, largely because I can’t get over my anger at him.”
The original poster captured the impossible nature of this choice perfectly: “The woman I love most in the world is in the way of what I want most in the world.”
Moving Forward When There Are No Good Options
If you’re in this situation, here’s what you need to do:
Set a deadline. If your partner is genuinely unsure rather than firmly opposed, establish a specific timeline for decision-making. But be prepared, prolonged indecision often IS a decision.
Get professional help. A skilled therapist can help distinguish between fear-based resistance and genuine change of heart. They can also help you both navigate this conversation without destroying each other in the process.
Make your choice completely. Whatever you decide, commit fully. Half-measures and lingering resentment serve no one.
The Hardest Truth of All
Love isn’t always enough. Sometimes two people can love each other deeply and still be fundamentally incompatible with the lives either wants to live. This isn’t anyone’s fault; it’s just the cruel mathematics of human evolution and changing priorities.
The goal isn’t to assign blame but to honour the reality that sometimes people grow in different directions. The most loving act might be giving each other the freedom to find happiness that’s no longer possible together.
This situation tests everything you believe about love, commitment, and compromise. There are no perfect answers, only the choice to face the truth with courage and make decisions that honour both your deepest needs and your partner’s authentic self.
Whatever you choose, choose consciously. Your future self will thank you for having the courage to make the hard decision rather than drifting in limbo indefinitely.
Check out:
Relationships: Tips For Making Joint Decisions As A Couple
Opinion: It’s Time To Stop Judging Poor People For Having Children
