I never thought I’d be the person writing about toxic friendships. For years, I believed that loyalty meant sticking around no matter what. I excused subtle jabs, emotional neglect, and moments that dimmed my light. But all that changed the day I accidentally read a message that made everything click. I had borrowed Grace’s phone to call mine when I couldn’t find it at a mutual friend’s birthday party.
A WhatsApp notification from Wanjiku popped up: “Haha, imagine my ‘best friend’ thinks I’m happy for her about that job. As if anyone is impressed by that company…”
My stomach dropped. Wanjiku often used “best friend” with a particular tone, a mocking term reserved for people she actually couldn’t stand. Standing in the corner of a noisy club, I realized I’d been the butt of their jokes all along.
The revelation only confirmed what I’d felt after lunch with Wanjiku the previous week. I sat in a crowded matatu heading home, squeezed between strangers, fighting back tears as the vehicle lurched through Nairobi’s afternoon traffic.
I’d just spent two hours at Java being subtly criticised, my recent promotion diminished with backhanded compliments and reminders of how “lucky” I was. As I clutched my bag, staring out the window so fellow passengers wouldn’t notice my watery eyes, a thought surfaced with perfect clarity: This isn’t friendship. This is survival.
The slow poison
Toxic friendships rarely announce themselves. They don’t arrive with warning labels or flashing red lights. Instead, they often begin as genuine connections that gradually sour, like milk left too long in the sun.
Looking back at my own experiences, I recognise the patterns now. The friend who would call incessantly when they needed a ride or some cash, yet somehow always had network issues when I needed help moving houses. The one who “jokingly” put me down at chamas and family gatherings, then accused me of not understanding Kenyan humour when I finally spoke up. The childhood friend from primary school, whose endless drama about boyfriends and workplace enemies constantly pulled me into emotional whirlwinds that left me drained for days.
I stayed because that’s what good friends do, right? We forgive. We understand. We make allowances.
What I didn’t realise was how these relationships were changing me, making me smaller, more anxious, less certain of myself. I’d catch myself censoring my words, hiding my accomplishments, and apologising for taking up space. Somewhere along the way, I’d become a supporting character in my own life.
How to spot a toxic friendship early
Now that I’ve been through this painful journey, I want to share what I wish I’d known sooner. Here are the warning signs I ignored that might help you recognise a toxic friendship before it cuts too deep:
They make you question your worth
A healthy friend celebrates your victories. A toxic friend finds ways to diminish them. If you find yourself hesitating to share good news because you’re anticipating a negative reaction, pay attention to that instinct.
The double face phenomenon
Watch how they talk about others when they’re not around. If your friend is constantly gossiping and criticising people they claim to care about, it’s almost certain they’re doing the same to you. The “best friend” with air quotes is speaking volumes about their true feelings.
Your emotional bank is always overdrawn
Do you feel refreshed or depleted after spending time together? Friendship should be energising, not exhausting. If you consistently feel drained, your friendship may be toxic.
Their problems are emergencies, yours are inconveniences
Notice the response when you need support. Toxic friends have countless reasons why they can’t be there for you, but expect you to drop everything when they call.
The friendship feels like work
You shouldn’t need to schedule recovery time after hanging out with a friend. If meeting up feels like an obligation rather than something to look forward to, something is wrong.
Trust your body’s signals
Our bodies often recognise danger before our minds do. That knot in your stomach when you see their name on your phone? The tension headache after spending time together? Your body is trying to tell you something important.
The “It’s just a joke” defence
Frequent put-downs disguised as humour, followed by accusations that you’re too sensitive when you object, are classic toxic behaviour patterns. Real friends don’t need to tear you down to build themselves up.
What to do if you’re stuck in a toxic friendship
My breaking point came gradually, then suddenly, like Nairobi rain in April. I was crammed in a 14-seater matatu carrying at least 25 people. The heat was unbearable. My shopping bags were digging into my legs. I was heading to Rongai for Wanjiku’s housewarming party.
The gift I’d bought her had cost my last shillings before payday. A set of kitchen towels, I knew she’d probably look at with that barely disguised disappointment she specialised in.
“Kujeni na fare!” the tout kept shouting over the Gengetone blasting from speakers that had seen better days. The matatu lurched through traffic, throwing us against each other with each pothole.
And suddenly, in that uncomfortable, sweaty moment, a question floated into my mind with perfect clarity:
Would I ever let anyone treat my little sister the way Wanjiku treats me?
The answer was immediate and powerful. Hapana. Never.
That clarity changed everything. I began the difficult process of setting boundaries with some friends and distancing myself from others. It wasn’t clean or easy. There were tearful conversations, angry text messages, and mutual friends who didn’t understand.
Some days, I questioned everything, wondering if I was the problem. Maybe I was too sensitive. Maybe my expectations were unreasonable. Maybe everyone felt this way about their friends sometimes.
But as space grew between me and these toxic dynamics, something unexpected happened. I started remembering who I was, the person who loved spontaneous adventures, who had opinions worth sharing, who could enter a room without apologising for being there.
What a healthy friendship feels like
After the dust settled, I found myself with fewer friends, but better ones. Or perhaps more accurately, I finally recognised the truly good friends who had been there all along, overshadowed by the louder, more demanding, toxic ones.
Healthy friendship, I’ve learned, isn’t about grand gestures or intensity. It’s not loud. It doesn’t need performance. It feels like safety and support, like breathing easily. It’s simpler and more profound than that. It’s feeling safe enough to be fully yourself. It’s mutual respect that doesn’t fluctuate based on mood or circumstance. Real friends don’t compete. They celebrate you without keeping score.
With my genuine friends, I never leave interactions feeling drained or questioning my worth. There’s a lightness to our connection, even when discussing serious matters, that comes from knowing neither of us is trying to control, change, or compete with the other.
Moving forward, not looking back
Do I regret the years spent in toxic friendships? Sometimes. But mostly, I’m grateful for what those difficult relationships taught me about my own boundaries, about what I deserve, about the kind of friend I want to be.
I’m more selective now about who gets access to my time and energy. Not because I think I’m better than anyone, but because I finally understand that friendship should add to your life, not diminish it.
To anyone reading this who recognises their relationship patterns in these words: You deserve friendships that build you up. You deserve to be seen and valued as you are. And sometimes, the most loyal thing you can do, for yourself and eventually for others, is to walk away from connections that no longer serve either of you.
If you’re stuck in a friendship that leaves you doubting your worth, listen to that inner voice. True friendship should feel like coming home, not like walking through a minefield. It took me too long to learn this simple truth, but now that I have, I’m never going back.
Because here’s what I know for sure: Life is too short for friendship that feels like anything less than love.
Check out:
A Surprising Connection: A Disaster In Their Friendship Group Brings Them Closer
The Lies That Led To Broken Trust After 4 Years Of Friendship
Communication Etiquette In Your Friendship Circles To Enhance Trust And Respect
Are You Still Friends Or Is Your Friendship One Sided? Have You Become A Fan?
