There’s something uniquely painful about realising you’ve been taken advantage of by someone you love. It cuts deeper than any stranger’s betrayal ever could. We’ve all been there, that moment when you realise your generosity has slowly transformed into an obligation, your kindness into an expectation, and your occasional favour into an unspoken commitment. Nowhere does this happen more painfully than within a family.
The invisible third parent
Family support systems can be beautiful demonstrations of love in action. When a new baby arrives, when illness strikes, or when financial hardship hits, having relatives who step up can make all the difference. Many households rely on grandparents, aunts, uncles, and siblings to make childcare arrangements work.
But there’s a shadowy side to these arrangements that we don’t talk about enough. What happens when support becomes exploitation? When does helping cross the line into enabling harmful patterns? And how do you recognise when your kindness is being taken advantage of?
I recently came across a heartbreaking Reddit post that perfectly captures this dilemma. A young graduate student found herself functioning essentially as a third parent to her sister’s baby, sacrificing sleep, study time, and academic performance in the process, only to discover she’d been repeatedly lied to about the circumstances.
Here is the post by Exciting-Fox2889
AITA? My mom says I overreacted and that I’m being a huge asshole but I just feel so used. I (24F) have an older sister (27F) who has a nine month old son. She doesn’t make enough to pay for daycare in our area but makes too much to qualify for assistance so me and my mom help her with her baby. My mom watches him Tuesday and Thuraday and I watch him Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I’m in grad school and take my classes online so it’s been a struggle to watch a baby and also be in my Zooms and do my work but it’s worth it since I love my nephew. We all live together BTW.
My sister has been a single mom from the beginning. He denies being the dad, sent her horrible messages and is a deadbeat. He wasn’t at the birth, not on the BC and hasn’t seen his son ever. A complete deadbeat. She put him on child support but he works under the table and doesn’t pay anything because she says he’s unemployed but has the money to live? Honestly I feel like a single mom at this point with how much I help her so it disgusts me with how big of a deadbeat he is. There’s times when my mom is watching him and gets called into work and I have to watch him even if I had watched him the entire day before. My sister also works as a hotel manager and gets called in all the time to cover shifts so there’s time when it’s 11 PM and she wakes me up to watch him so she can go to work.
I had no issue helping my sister until I found out she was still sleeping with her ex… the same ex that denied and insulted her child, has never met him, and has never done anything for him… right before finals last semester my sister woke me up at 11 PM to tell me the night audit girl called out and she HAD to go in to cover for her. I had a huge proctored test the next day but agreed because my mom was working an overnight so there was no one else. He was up all night crying so by the time she got back at 7 AM I was exhausted and I ended up not doing that well on my test. I was fine with this until a few days ago when I got home and overheard my sister gushing on the phone about have sex with a guy and I was surprised since I didn’t know she was seeing anyone and I asked her who she was talking about.
She looked so shocked I was back and overheard and she ignored me, but her friend on the phone said “Oh she doesn’t know you’ve been fucking “Jake” again”? Jake is her deadbeat BD. I was so shocked. My sister looked so guilty and hung up the phone and broke down crying saying she’s been hanging out with her ex for the past two months… the deadbeat ex. The one that’s a deadbeat. To HER KID. I was disgusted. She told me she just loves him so much and missed him. I asked her with how much she works how the hell was she able to see him and she told me she would meet him at rooms at her job and lie to me and my mom about working… I asked her if the night she left before my test was it a real shift or fake and she said fake. That’s when I lost it on her and told her she’s disgusting. That wasn’t the first assignment I had to sacrifice time with because of her going to “work” at all hours of the day but she KNEW this was an important final I had in the morning and still lied about working just to sleep with her DEADBEAT ex?! I’ve never felt so disrespected.
I told her that me and my mom have been bending backwards to be her baby daddy since the actual one won’t step up and that her sleeping with him is not just a slap in the face to me and my mom but to HER SON. Sleeping with an ex that did you wrong is one thing, but one that got you pregnant, abandoned you to take care of your child alone, and is a deadbeat is just pathetic. She said she can’t believe that I’m mad and that’s it’s her body and she can sleep with whoever she wants. I told her than she can ask him to watch his son since they seem to be in good terms and that I will NEVER watch her son again. If the father isn’t expected to be a dad and is rewarded for it why should I? I just can’t wrap my mind around how a woman can be turned on by a man that is a deadbeat to HER OWN CHILD. But will give me and my mom attitude if we make plans because it can interfere with her childcare?
I don’t know if she thought I was joking but yesterday she came into my room since Friday is the day I watch her son and she placed him on my bed and walked out, dressed to go to work. I picked him up and followed her and told her that she can take him to his father because I won’t be watching him. Not even for pay. She started crying asking if I’m serious and I said I was very serious. She can message him to sleep with him but she can’t ask him to watch his child? According to her he’s unemployed so surely he has the time? She said he doesn’t want to watch him and I told her oh well. She ended up leaving with him and brought him to her friend but she arrived to work late and the regional manager was there and she got written up for being 30 minutes late. She told my mom and they’re both so mad at me and have been giving me the silent treatment but my mom says she’s disappointed in me since no matter what we need to support my nephew and no matter my sisters choices I shouldn’t let it stop me from being a good aunt and AITA. Am I really?
When “No” feels impossible
Setting boundaries with family members isn’t like setting boundaries at work or with friends. The stakes feel infinitely higher. The guilt runs deeper. The consequences seem more dire.
When you’re the reliable one, the person everyone counts on in a crisis, saying “no” can feel not just difficult but impossible. You worry about:
- Who will help if you don’t?
- Will relationships be permanently damaged?
- Are you abandoning someone who needs you?
- What kind of person does that make you?
These concerns are especially powerful when children are involved. Even when the adults in the situation have betrayed your trust or taken advantage of your generosity, the innocent child at the centre of it all didn’t create these problems.
Red flags that your boundaries are being violated
How do you know when healthy family support has crossed into unhealthy territory? Look for these warning signs:
1. Increasing demands without reciprocity
What begins as occasional help gradually expands, with no recognition of the sacrifices being made. Your time becomes less valuable than others’ time in the family system.
2. Deception and manipulation
You discover you’ve been lied to about the circumstances requiring your help, or emotional manipulation is used to ensure your compliance (“If you loved me/the baby, you would…”).
3. Essential needs are being sacrificed
You’re regularly compromising sleep, education, work obligations, health, or financial stability to meet others’ demands.
4. Emotional blackmail
Labels like “selfish,” “bad aunt/uncle,” or “not a team player” are applied when you express any hesitation or set limits on your availability.
5. Unbalanced expectations
Different standards apply to different family members. Some people’s commitments are treated as sacred, while yours are considered flexible or optional.
Finding balance: Support without self-sacrifice
The central question many family caregivers struggle with is: How do we support loved ones without enabling harmful patterns or sacrificing our well-being?
There are no perfect answers, but there are healthier approaches:
1. Clear, consistent boundaries
Effective boundaries aren’t punishments or negotiations—they’re honest statements about what you can and cannot offer:
“I can provide help between these specific hours.” “I need at least 24 hours’ notice for any schedule changes.” “During finals week/important work periods, I’m completely unavailable.”
2. Consequences that match the situation
When boundaries are crossed, consequences should be proportional and consistent. An all-or-nothing approach rarely leads to a lasting resolution.
A measured response might involve:
- Reduced availability rather than none
- A cooling-off period before renegotiating
- A requirement for transparency and honesty moving forward
3. Addressing the real problem
Often, the core issue isn’t the practical help but underlying patterns of dishonesty, disrespect, or inappropriate dependence. A boundary that addresses the actual problem might sound like:
“I’m happy to help you, but I need complete honesty about where you’re going and why. If I discover you’re lying again, our arrangement will change.”
4. Considering alternatives
Family support isn’t the only option. Sometimes, the healthiest choice is to help connect people with professional services, community resources, or formal childcare arrangements rather than continuing unsustainable informal arrangements.
The courage to say “Enough”
There’s a special kind of courage required to say “enough” to family, particularly when you’ve been cast in the role of perpetual helper. It means weathering disapproval, guilt-trips, and sometimes even temporary estrangement.
But here’s the truth that gets lost in these painful family dynamics: real support builds independence, not dependence. Enabling patterns might feel like love in the moment, but they ultimately prevent growth and accountability.
By setting boundaries, you’re not just protecting yourself, you’re creating space for others to take responsibility for their choices, decisions, and relationships.
And sometimes, that’s the most loving thing you can do.
Check out:
How To Set Healthy Relationship Boundaries And Benefits
How To Set Boundaries And Stop Being A People Pleaser
7 Ways To Set Boundaries With Family And Friends When You Work From Home
