When I read The Sex Lives of African Women, many aspects of the stories intrigued me. In one story, a lady was struggling with her sexuality and was with this woman, but her feelings towards her changed, so she didn’t want to be physically intimate with her any longer. However, telling her that was difficult. I wondered how difficult telling someone you can no longer be physical is- I would soon find out.
I met Humphrey by chance. We were going for a trip but one person dropped out so we needed a replacement. A friend in the group invited him. He was good to me from the start. I remember thinking, “Wow! A man who opens doors and pulls chairs for women he doesn’t know.”
He was also the life of the party. We all had fun during that trip. At some point, we exchanged numbers. We only talked again months later when he called me.
“How’s the pretty lady doing?” Humphrey asked me.
“Oh, hi Humphrey. How’ve you been?” I asked him.
“I’m surprised you still have my number,” said Humphrey.
“I hardly delete contacts,” I responded.
We had a bit of small talk, and eventually, he asked me out. My schedule was tight, but we agreed to meet for dinner. We’d decided to meet at 8 p.m., but he called me at 7 p.m. to inform me that he was on his way to pick me up. That caught me off-guard because he lived on the other side of town. I expected I would take a cab to the restaurant.
He gave me a bouquet of roses when he arrived. That was how he officially had my attention. The dinner went well. The food was terrific, which gave us good conversation points. We got to know each other a bit, and he dropped me home.
I talked to one of the friends from the trip who knew him. They were also surprised by his actions and didn’t say much. My friendship with Humphrey grew over the weeks, and we started a romantic relationship.
Humphrey was fun, and I enjoyed his company, but he wasn’t an open book. He liked to say he was discrete, which is why our mutual friends didn’t know his romantic affairs. It was frustrating but not problematic until he made a significant decision and didn’t inform me.
He took up a massive deal with a known acquaintance but didn’t mention it. I learnt about it from the acquaintance’s girlfriend. She asked me how I felt that my man was making such big moves. I doubt I had a good poker face, but I feigned excitement for him.
When I asked him about it, he said he didn’t understand why I was so mad.
“You don’t think there’s a problem with me finding out significant things about you from strangers?” I asked him.
“You could have asked me after you found out,” he responded.
I don’t know what pisses me off more, his reaction or that he hadn’t told me, but that created a wedge between us. Eventually, we went on a break. While on our relationship break, one of our mutual friends told me that Humphrey had been intimate with a friend’s girlfriend.
“You know Humphrey slept with Shiko?” Our mutual friend said.
“Shiko, Jaymo’s girlfriend?” I asked her.
“Yeah, but that was before Shiko started dating Jaymo. I think it was a one-night stand,” said our mutual friend.
Shiko had a bit of a reputation. The boys made fun of Jaymo for his relationship with her. Shiko was a bit ‘wild’, and they often had drama with Jaymo that involved them cheating on each other, and quarrelling in public, but they always got back together. Humphrey also engaged in the banter, so it was a surprise that he had been with her. I didn’t ask him about it because it was supposed to be a secret between the boys in the group, but one of them had snitched. However, that information shifted something in me.
Our break lasted a few more weeks before Humphrey came back. He came back willing to open up a bit more. His romantic side was working overtime. I would get random gifts, flowers and food delivered to my doorstep. He also organized a weekend getaway.
For me to get back together with him, I constantly reminded myself that he had been with Shiko before we met, as I had been with other people before him. I thought that was enough, but when he kissed me, it felt wrong. I didn’t know how to tell him how I felt, so I stopped him to use the bathroom.
“Babe, bad news. My period has come earlier than I thought it would. Could you rush to the supermarket and get me sanitary towels?” I told Humphrey.
He was very disappointed but complied. Later, he suggested that menstruation wasn’t a deal breaker, but I declined. We came back the following day. When I had time to process my feelings I discovered that I no longer wanted him after knowing about his night with Shiko. I tried rationalizing my feelings, but all I imagined was him, Shiko and Jaymo.
The next time we met, he kissed me. I couldn’t pull away, although I wasn’t into it. It dawned on me how difficult it is to stop intimacy with someone you have already crossed that line with. I knew I couldn’t use my period as an excuse again, so I started lying. I was busy whenever he asked to meet up. The relationship finally fizzled out, but I never told him what had triggered the change.
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