Chapter 1 – Hallo chaos!
They looked so beautiful. Her chest ached. Them was her sister, Amy and her husband, Chris and her brother, Huey and his partner, Daniel. The couples inadvertently found a way to make even the most mundane things agonizing for her. For the umpteenth time, Ella wondered why she still bothered to come out for game night.
Fucking stop, her exasperated inner voice all but shouted. She raised the glass of juice to her lips and sipped, schooling what she feared was a revealing expression.
Ella was floored and pissed, if she was honest, by how they, with alarming consistency, made what was supposed to be a group activity, some cute and cuddly couples thing. Her brother and his partner seemed incapable of spending the entire evening without touching each other. Her sister and her husband exchanged furtive glances reminiscent of newlyweds. They were pathetic. And pathetic had never looked so enchanting.
Ella was smack-dab at the point of her cycle where the smallest trigger was enough to launch her into waterworks. That was her excuse in any event, and she was sticking with it. Thank you very much.
She’d spent upwards of two hours the previous night watching pet videos online and crying, complete with hiccups and copious nose-blowing. It was not in her best interest to remain in the company of these people. They were all seated on cushions around the short wooden table. A game of scrabble that she was losing was underway. There was no reason to keep hanging around. She always felt like such a loser around them.
Ella stood up before she could talk herself out of it. They all turned to her, and she forced a smile. “Gotta bounce,” she said, hoping her voice conveyed sufficient regret.
Huffs and groans of protest went up. Her brother, it turned out, was the only one who could communicate in words. “Ella, we’re dropping you off. Remember? One round of Kenya @50, then we’re off. I promise.”
Ella turned to him, already feeling her resolve weaken. Huey’s soft voice was her kryptonite. He was the baby of the family and her Achille’s sibling from day one. His knee was touching Eddy’s thigh like they couldn’t bear to be out of touch and that, it appeared, was what she needed to bolster her resolve.
“I just remembered something I have to do. Aki, I’m sorry but I have to go. You guys stay. I’ll call a ride.”
“Ella…” Chris started.
“Aki, for real, I have to go. It’s a work thing that I’d forgotten.” She said, turning to him and cutting him off before he went any further. Chris could be quite convincing. She couldn’t risk it.
He sighed, conceding, “Sawa. But it’s going to suck without you.”
Yeah, right, she thought. He was just being his usual kind self. She smiled for his benefit, then reached for her phone and sling bag. The rest of them stood up, launching the hugs portion of the evening.
Why are you tearing up over casual hugs? Man, she needed to get out of there. Stat.
While she was comparing prices and deciding what app offered the most favourable rates, her sister pulled her aside like she wanted to talk about something in private.
Great! Gossip. Ella thought, following with a new pep in her step. “What’s up?” she asked with barely concealed enthusiasm after Amy closed the kitchen door.
Her sister looked serious. That was definitely not her gossip face.
Ella revised her enthusiasm downwards. “What’s wrong? Is it Dad?” Their dad was old and was plagued with illnesses that never seemed to fully heal before another stepped in to take centre stage.
“No,” Amy said, shaking her head. “Chris and I were out last night, and we saw Daniel with some girl cosied up in a corner booth. Everything about their body language was fishy. He’s definitely sleeping with her.”
“What?” Ella asked, shaking her head as if to clear things up.
“Yes,” Amy said and kept on speaking, saying words that Ella had evidently lost the ability to comprehend.
It was like she was in a state of total internal chaos. Her heart was racing, her ears were ringing, and she felt so hot, she was sure the undersides of her breasts were dripping. Time was simultaneously rushing and crawling.
“Why do you always do this?” she asked, voice tight and clipped in anger.
“What?” Amy asked, confused, her voice a shocked whisper.
“Why can’t you just let me be happy?” Ella asked and was glad to find that when she spoke up, her insides calmed in tandem.
“What are you…? Ella…”
“It’s like whenever I’m happy, that’s your cue to swoop in and ruin it. You always have to be in charge. If it’s not going the way you want it to, then it must be stopped. So because you don’t like Daniel, he’s a bad guy and now a cheater, too.”
Amy barked a harsh, derisive laugh. “You’re not seriously being that girl right now.”
“Typical. Always ready with the judgment, nobody can be right except Amy.” Despite her best efforts, her voice rose and seconds later the kitchen door creaked open, with three concerned faces looking in.
“What’s going on?” Huey asked, looking from one sister to the other.
Ella fell silent. The last thing she wanted was for more people to hear this malicious lie about her boyfriend and, by extension, her.
“Well, the long and short of it is Daniel is cheating and her response to that news is to accuse me of sabotaging her happiness or some other bullshit.” Amy shook her head like it was the dumbest thing she’d ever heard, which infuriated Ella so much she felt heat flush through her entire body.
Huey, ever the peacemaker, moved to stand in front of Ella, concerned eyes raking over her, hands gentle on her shoulders.
He spoke without turning to Amy. “How do you know?”
“Chris and I saw him at some restaurant in Westy looking suspicious as fuck with some young thing.”
“It really did look suspicious. Their body language was incriminating, to say the least. Screamed cheating.” Chris piped in, voice low as if he was trying to calm the entire situation solely through it.
“You would know,” Ella said under her breath, but loud enough for everyone to hear.
Silence held everyone by the throat. Amy had told her that in confidence and, although her immediate instinct was to apologize, Ella fought hard against it.
Chris’s gaze lifted from the floor and landed on Ella. “Yes.” He nodded. “Still, you should know the only reason we decided to tell you is because that’s what you do when you care about someone. You tell them the truth.”
Then he walked out, with Eddy on his heels, clearly running away from the messy crime scene.
“You’re right, I don’t like him. Because he acts like he’s doing you and this entire family a favour by dating you. That’s some bullshit.“ Amy shook her head when Ella said nothing in response. “Don’t be stupid,” she added with a snort and eye roll, before exiting the room.
“Let me take you home,” Huey said, voice soft and comforting.
Ella shook her head, throat tight with unshed tears.
“I promise we don’t have to talk about it. Please, just let me drop you off. We’re leaving anyway.”
“Fine.”
**
The ride home was excruciating. All Ella seemed capable of doing was replaying her judgmental sister’s ludicrous accusations. That and seeing Chris on her way out. He was seated on the edge of the couch, head in his joined palms, eyes closed as if in prayer. When she got into the living room, he raised his sad eyes to her and gave her the kindest look ever as she walked out, like all was forgiven, and he held nothing against her. She did not need that.
She certainly hadn’t done anything to warrant being subjected to whatever Huey and his partner were doing up front. Huey was driving, yet they insisted on giving each other these looks like they were communicating telepathically. Then Eddy would rub Huey’s leg like he was comforting him or something. She was sick of it and was this close to asking them to just drop her off at the next stage. It was reckless, if nothing else. Keep your eyes on the damned road, her inner voice yelled, unencumbered by whatever kept her mouth closed. The only thing she was grateful for was the fact that Amy had been nowhere to be seen while she was making her escape out of the house. You win some; you lose some.
Chapter 2 – Being couple goals
Ella forced a small smile as she said goodbye to Huey and the handsy Eddy. At least she was free of that hell. Now for the hell between her ears that showed a stunning commitment to playing the entire scene on an endless loop. There was only one way to silence that horror show.
Ella dropped onto her old couch with its sagging cushions and reached for her phone. She scrolled to his name and then just sat there looking at it. She trusted him, loved him, knew him. There was no way any of those allegations were true. None. All she had to do was call him, have him confirm it, then her brain would finally be silent. She desperately needed the chaotic circus to pack it up.
“It’s the only way,” she said out loud, nodding with more zest than she felt.
She pressed call before she could talk herself out of it and immediately began her breathing exercises to calm her racing heart.
Daniel answered almost immediately. “What’s up, Sweetheart?”
Her breath hitched, forcing her to take a deep breath. There was no way someone who called her sweetheart with such open admiration would also be out there cheating. No way. The facts spoke for themselves.
“Hey, babe, what’s up? You, okay?”
“Yeah,” she whispered. “Yeah, I’m good,” she added voice more confident. “Just got home, and I wanted to talk before nilale.”
He seemed to buy her claim that she just wanted to talk before going to bed, proceeding to tell her about his exciting day. He’d been living at the office. It was just after the general elections and lawyers like him had their picking of election petition cases. He had never been busier or happier.
She made all the appropriate noises as he spoke, loving him even more as his enthusiasm radiated to her.
“Sweetheart, you sure you’re alright?”
“Yeah, babe. I’m good.” She replied, feeling more like her usual self. “You, on the other hand, are overworking your poor body. Go home. Tomorrow’s another day.”
“There’s nothing poor about my body,” Daniel countered, and she would have bet her last cent he was checking out his lean torso, hand on his prized six-pack. She was picturing it too, so she wouldn’t judge him too harshly.
“Pure facts,” she answered. “How about this? Go home and give that body we both love some much-needed rest.”
“I can get behind a suggestion like that,” he whispered, voice low and suggestive.
She smiled, castigating herself for ever doubting him, “Yeah, I’m going to go take that shower and go right to bed. I refuse to let your mouth write a cheque your body can’t cash.”
“I never wrote a cheque I couldn’t cash,” he disputed, “And you know I can back it up.”
She shook her head. “You can’t back it up tonight, which is all I know.”
Daniel had a long day in court the following day, which was partly why he’d missed game night tonight.
“Fine, I concede, but I’ll make it up to you, you’ll see.”
“I know,” she said with more conviction than the situation called for, but he didn’t question it. He just said goodnight and she hung up feeling both relieved and uneasy. She was not going to solve this puzzle at this hour, so she roused herself, took a quick shower and collapsed into bed, where she proceeded to toss and turn like it was an Olympic sport.
The bed was clearly not going to be the scene of success tonight, so she dragged her duvet with her to the sitting room and made a second attempt, this time on the couch.
***
Something startled her, and she opened her eyes to find Daniel trying and failing to close the door quietly. The small involuntary screech was out before she could stop it.
“Sorry, sorry, sorry,” he whispered, placing a package on the floor, and then locking the door. “I thought you’d be in bed.”
Ella sat up and pulled the duvet around her, it was a chilly night and the door, however briefly open, had not helped matters. Daniel moved to sit on the couch next to her, silently lamenting her covering up and hiding her lush body, barely concealed by her sleeping vest.
He pulled her to him, embracing her.
“What are you doing here?” she asked, cosying up to him. “Not that this isn’t a pleasant surprise.”
He rubbed his hands over her and the massive duvet. “Sounded like you were having an ice cream and muesli kind of night.”
He had this thing where he bought her premium muesli and ice cream with a staggering price tag when she was sad.
Her heart all but melted as she leaned even more into him. He made as if to move and she snuggled into him, dissuading him from moving. How could she have doubted him? Ella was so moved by his gesture that she couldn’t find the words. Actions would have to be taken.
She pulled away from him, threw off the restraining covers and straddled him, peppering kisses along his bearded cheek. He moaned, his arms caressing her underwear-clad bottom.
“I take it the ice cream and muesli will have to wait.”
Ella pulled back, a playful smile on her lips, “We can stop if you want, get you some energy boost so you can keep up.”
“You know I can keep up,” Daniel replied, rotating his hips, so they were perfectly aligned and the friction sent delicious sensations all over them. She moaned as did he, and he briefly considered just doing it on the couch.
“Bed. Now.” She ordered, getting off him and making a beeline for the bedroom. His eyes took in her round bottom, and he sprung up and followed, grabbing her playfully.
She laughed, and he pondered the miraculous power such a simple snack held. Coming over was definitely the best decision he’d made tonight.
**
Chris had been on edge, anticipating something bad. It had started the night they’d seen Daniel being all kinds of inappropriate in that club. Nothing had happened that night, which had only heightened his fear that something was coming. Every time something reminded Amy about his unfaithfulness, they went back to something approximating square one, where she’d pull away from him for a few days while she processed the deception all over again.
Chris knew the drill now. He’d already moved some beddings from the bedroom closet and was curled up on the too-short couch. At some point, he’d assumed she’d get over it. He’d been dead wrong. She’d forgiven him as much as she could. He knew that. It was just that reminders took her back, and he got that now. A friend of his had told him relationships rarely recovered completely after trust was broken and that was something he’d have to live with. That’s just what the consequences looked like.
His neck had a painful crick in it and he knew from experience it would only get worse. His knees would be a bitch tomorrow if he spent the better part of the night folding them like he was while trying to fit on the couch. He’d made his bed and now, for better or worse, he was laying in it.
**
Amy lay restless in their bed. Was she blowing this infidelity thing out of proportion or was this an appropriate level of indignation? The way she saw it, once you start minimizing something like cheating, you’re setting yourself up for failure. She needed him to know it was serious and would always remain serious. She needed herself to remember that, too. It was a big deal.
Chris had gotten wasted at some house party while they were dating and had had sex with some girl he’d met that night. Even worse, he hadn’t told her. She’d found out about it after they’d been married for two years. Some friend of his had gotten wasted and let it slip in her presence.
Amy was livid. They’d separated for about 5 months, then gone for counselling for a few months before they’d started approximating anything close to what they’d been before. It had been a long and arduous road, but they were good now, great even. It was just that every time she was reminded about his unfaithfulness and how he’d kept it from her for years; it ripped the scab open, exposing the tender wound.
Part of her thought she should be over it. It was four years after, and she wasn’t. She knew he was remorseful, was reasonably certain he’d been faithful throughout their marriage, and yet she couldn’t just let it go. Some paranoid part of her was certain that as soon as she let this indiscretion go, Chris would be emboldened to cheat again. Isn’t that what men have historically done? As soon as they know you’ll forgive them, it’s open season. She wasn’t going to be one of those women if it was the last thing she did.
Still, this sleeping in separate rooms every time it came up was not sustainable, plus she hated it. Amy liked having him close, had become accustomed to feeling his warm back on hers.
She got out of bed before she changed her mind. Their relationship had survived because they’d worked together. Maybe that was what they needed to do now, work on it together.
Amy switched on the living room lights and Chris squinted against it.
“Sorry,” she whispered.
“It’s okay. What’s up?” He asked, sitting up.
“Do you want to come to bed?”
His eyebrows drew together in confusion. “Our bed?”
“It is the only bed in the house.”
“With you?”
“Yes, with me in it.” She laughed, shaking her head.
“You don’t have to. I know you’re mad and you have every right to be. I’m fine here.”
“Are you saying no?” Her eyebrows mirrored his.
“I would never say no.” He refuted.
“Then come to bed,” Amy said, walking away.
Chris rushed after her, switching off the lights. They cuddled in silence, glorying in the moment.
Chapter 3 – Not quite goals
Blurb: Ella’s finally in a relationship, something she’s longed for forever. Then her sister comes to her with a fantastical story about her boyfriend’s alleged infidelity. Hearing something in her voice, her boyfriend, Daniel, visits to check on her, bearing gifts, and reminding Ella why she loves and trusts him.
Once again, the bed was not going to be the site of success sleep-wise, Ella thought. She was back to tossing and turning, even after what was a very pleasurable and successful coupling. Her racing mind would not quiet and try as she did to stay still, the unease manifested in her restless body. The last thing she wanted was to wake Daniel. He’d come to her after a long-ass day even though he was going to have a similarly gruelling day tomorrow and all because he sensed from her voice that she’d had a rough evening. That was not the behaviour of someone who didn’t care about her, who was unfaithful. She did not deserve him. It was so fucking obvious.
Ella turned to face his sleeping form, for once appreciating the outside light. She usually hated the fact that nights in Nairobi were nowhere near the sleep-conducive pitch-black of her rural home. Tonight, though, she could see the elusive silver lining. She loved him. Loved his slightly open mouth and the wonderful things he could do with it. Loved his well-manicured beard, his light brown skin and his hairy chest. Loved his delicious abs, his pecs, and the heart beating there.
She reached out and grazed his chest where she approximated his heart lay, murmuring, “I’m sorry.” She drew back and prepared to fake it till she made it with this whole sleeping business.
While she watched, he stirred, then opened his eyes. He was so cute, she thought, smiling.
Daniel turned to face her, drawing himself close so their bodies were flush, his hand sliding over her generous curves.
“At the risk of sounding all insecure and needy, I’ll just come out and ask… Was it good for you? You know… did you…?”
“It was good, and I did,” she replied with a smile, running her finger over his beloved abs.
“So, what’s up with all this tossing and turning? You’re usually out like a light.”
“Woah, overconfident much?”
“Hey, you just confirmed that I could back it up. Your words, not mine.”
His voice lost the playfulness. “Something happened at Amy’s, right?”
She shook her head, denying it. “Uh-uh.”
“I know you don’t like it when I say it, but you’re always off when you come from game night.” He pulled back from her.
Ella sat up, leaning on the headboard, and Daniel mirrored her movement. “Maybe it’s because my boyfriend always has a convenient excuse for not showing up so that I’m forced to be the third wheel in some cheesy couples hang-out.”
“Do you want me to apologize for having a job?” he asked.
“What’s that supposed to mean? That I don’t have a job?”
“You’re not seriously asking me to compare online stuff with legal work.”
Her latent anger was gaining steam. “Online stuff.” She mimicked with a sardonic laugh. “Okay.”
“Online transcription. Are you happy now? And I didn’t say you don’t have a job.” He bit out. “You’re putting words in my mouth. Clearly, you’re upset about something. Can you just use your fucking words?”
“Fuck you, Daniel. How’s that?” She spat out while getting out of bed. She stormed out of the room. Where did he get the nerve to suggest she was beneath him? She’d seen his D’s and E’s littered university transcripts. The only reason he had a job in this hellish economic landscape with soaring unemployment was because he came from a family of wealthy lawyers. She’d graduated with Second-Class Upper Honours, just a few points shy of First Class, and he thought he could disparage her. Fuck him. Fuck him all the way to hell where he belonged with his pathetic grades.
“Are you going to tell me or not?” Daniel yelled through the open door, “‘Cause I don’t have time for this, Ella. My workday tomorrow’s too packed for whatever craziness this is.”
She said nothing in response, and he sighed heavily before laying down to sleep. He heard her walk back into the room.
“Are you cheating on me?” she asked voice barely a whisper.
He was silent, his back to her.
“I know you heard me.”
“I know you’re not that dumb.”
She was sick of people calling her dumb. “I knew it,” she murmured under her breath.
He was out of the bed in a flash, rage radiating from him enough to make her instinctively walk backwards in retreat. He advanced towards her and, for the first time since she’d known him, she was truly afraid that he could hurt her.
Daniel had done things that had frightened her in the past, but she’d never feared for her physical safety. The way he usually yelled when he was angry chilled her to the pit of her stomach, but that was only because it took her back to her parent’s volatile relationship, not because she thought he’d actually harm her. This time, though, it was different. She was afraid of what he’d do to her.
“What the fuck did you just accuse me of?”
She swallowed. “I just asked.” Her voice was a trembling whisper, which pissed her off.
“You’re crazy, you know that? Why the fuck would you ask me that?”
She was getting really pissed. You could only call her crazy so many times before she started acting it out. “Why would you be so angry if it wasn’t true?”
“I don’t know about you, but being called a cheating dog has that effect on me.”
“Where were you last night?” Ella powered on.
“Here, fucking your ungrateful ass.”
“You’re good, babe, but not good enough to do it all the way from a club in Westlands.”
“Someone’s lying to you and you’re listening to them, which even you must know is dumb as fuck.”
“Call me dumb one more time.”
He stepped up to her and got right in her face. “You know, I thought you were more mature than this. Guess I was wrong. Mark my words, this is why you’ll end up all alone. All you do is expect the worst out of men and push away the few men who actually like you.”
Before she knew what was happening, he was collecting his clothes and picking up the package he had left by the door. Then he slammed the door behind him, loud enough to rattle it and her neighbours.
All the energy drained out of her, and she slid right to the floor where she sat until the sun came up, until her stiff back and ice-cold cramped ass forced her to move.
Chapter 4 – This is torture
Ella rubbed her eyes for the umpteenth time. She’d try to hold off responding to the itch but would inevitably wind up rubbing her gritty eyes. Her eyes had been through a lot. First, the crying jag that had lasted the better part of the night, then this itch she wasn’t strong enough to ignore. She was certain her eyes were the red and swollen combo of weed enthusiasts. What she wouldn’t give for a joint right now.
The surrounding people, led by her aunties, kept giving her concerned glances. With her luck, she knew, just knew that they assumed her eyes were the windows to her inner sadness courtesy of her prolonged unmarried state. She was at her cousin’s Ayee, a traditional ceremony in which a man’s family officially visits his fiancee’s family to ask for her hand in marriage. Guests were seated in a white tent with plastic chairs arranged in circular rings, with the couple and their immediate families in the inner rings.
She couldn’t take their concerned stares another minute. Plus, from her vantage point, she had a clear view of the bride and groom who kept giving each other playful glances that just gutted her. Then there was the matter of their mothers bustling about, love and pride on their faces. She had to leave. She pasted a fake smile on and got up to leave through one of the many openings in the tent.
Ella slid out, swallowing a sigh of relief when she came face to face with her siblings and three of their cousins. Great. They’d been laughing, stopping only when they saw her. Of course, they were having a good time. The entire world, with the marked exception of Ella, was having a great time. Fuck them.
Her brother approached her, slow and careful, a smile on his face like he was afraid he’d spook her. “Hey.”
She had to behave; it would simply not do to have her cousins pick up on the tension. They’d go digging and if they found anything, would gladly broadcast their findings. It was bad enough that her sister had blared her dubious story to everyone at game night. She did not need more people in her business.
Huey gave her a hug. Ella allowed it. To preserve appearances, not because she desperately needed someone to please, please hold her tight. She conjured the fake smile again and hugged the rest of them, excluding Amy, who walked away pretending to answer her phone.
Ella tried her best to summon the most normal, agreeable version of her for the obligatory small talk. Someone launched into the couple of the day’s back story, how they met, the proposal, how lovey-dovey they were, and Ella wanted to sit on the grass and cry right there.
She’d had that; a cute couple story with romantic bits guaranteed to tug at the heartstrings of even the most cynical. And she’d nuked it. Now she may lose the love of her life with zero assurance that she could get something similar in the future.
Ella was not the kind of girl men pursued. She didn’t know why. All she knew was that even as teenagers, boys always gravitated towards Amy. It didn’t matter what she did; the results remained the same. She had always been on the bigger side and had at one point assumed that that was it. She’d gotten on an aggressive weight loss plan, which had on occasion worked. Even slimmer, she’d not garnered interest. Dressing more fashionably, as much as her wispy paycheck allowed, had not helped, neither had the beauty products she’d invested in. Over time, she’d accepted her body, celebrated it, and stopped with the punishing diets. She’d even come around to the idea that maybe she’d never experience that kind of love, that she was destined for a solitary life.
Then Daniel had happened and changed everything. Everything.
Two aunts, her mom’s sisters, joined the group, drawing Ella’s attention back. They looked so much like her mom. Her breathing hitched. They enveloped her in soft, all-encompassing warm talcum-powder hugs. She would have broken down in a flood of tears, but for the comments accompanying the hugs, “Ella, you know we’re waiting for your turn, huh?”
The other added, “Where’s your lawyer?”
“You know how it is after elections,” she joked and there was a scattering of laughs. “He had to work, but he’ll be here next time.”
Another cousin joined their little crowd, and her mom immediately put her arm around her. Ella had to force herself to look away. She turned to find Amy’s gaze glued to their aunt and cousin. Their eyes met and for a minute, there was a complete ceasefire and it felt like everything stopped as they just missed their mom together.
Her mom would hate the fact that they were fighting, Ella thought. If there was something she should have learnt from her mom’s death, it should have been how quickly time flies, and how important it is not to sweat the small stuff and risk having them destroy your relationship. Those early months after the burial had been excruciating. She’d lived in perpetual fear of something happening to Amy and Huey too, and now here she was, letting precious time slip by without trying to fix things.
She should be a fucking adult and talk to her siblings. Letting things fester was a recipe for even greater disaster. The only problem was she didn’t know what to say. Either she believed her sister or she didn’t, and both would have significant implications. Something caught her attention, and she turned to find Huey standing next to her. This was the moment of truth.
Chapter 5 – Dark clouds everywhere, a storm is on the horizon
Ella pretended to go to the bathroom and then used that opportunity to plot her escape. It was cowardly; she knew that, but God… She could tell Huey was planning something from the soft smiles he kept giving her. He was definitely thinking of a way to diffuse the tension between the three of them. And while she appreciated the help, the panic flooding her insides was witness enough that while the spirit was willing; the body was ever so weak.
She was far too raw after an entire day spent celebrating some other couple and fielding questions about her unmarried status and phantom boyfriend. Plus, she hadn’t seen her aunts together like that in a long time, since the burial really and it was getting to her. Seeing her mom’s sisters with their kids was enough. She would not add some emotionally charged conversation with her siblings to the day.
Whatever the shortcomings of the afternoon, it had two things going for it. One, great food and two, it reminded her just how important her relationship with Daniel was. She couldn’t just let go of the first good thing she’d gotten in a long time. Life is too short, she decided.
She silenced her vibrating phone. It was Huey. Of course, it was Huey. She’d text him with a passable explanation later. First, sort out her relationship with Daniel, and then she’d figure things out with her siblings. Content with her tentative plan and preferred order of events, Ella slipped out of the venue as covertly as any super spy she’d seen mirrored in the movies.
***
Ella took a matatu back to her place. She walked from the bus stop listening to a playlist of Kenyan love songs that had shown remarkable success in picking her up in the past. She planned out her speech and counterarguments throughout the walk, during her shower, as she got ready and on the matatu to his place.
She knew he’d likely not be home, but she had his keys and would spend the time strengthening her arguments for why he had to forgive her. The last time she’d let herself into his place while he was out, Daniel had been furious, insisting that the key was only to be used for emergencies. She’d never made that mistake again. This was different. It was literally an emergency. She was certain even he would agree.
Ella had her laptop with her, which meant she could get some work done while she waited. She worked for an online audio transcription and data entry service that always had work on the portal. It was gruelling work, and the pay was most accurately described as poverty wages, but it kept a roof over her head and warm food in her belly. Yes, she was always worrying about her finances, the only difference being the fluctuating intensity, but she got by. That was enough. She knew too many people who were worse off.
Ella checked her accounts to see if she could afford to order takeout. His taste skewed expensive, which would mean digging into her rainy-day fund. He liked this Ethiopian restaurant where an average meal cost close to what she earned per month, on a good month. Anyway, what exemplified a rainy day more than her relationship being on the brink of collapse? She did the math, rearranging her finances to make sure she could afford it. She’d just order smaller portions than he usually did. That would work. She would have to put in a few more hours of work for about three weeks to replace it though. Not having some just-in-case money was one of her biggest sources of anxiety, so she’d have to buckle down and put it back as soon as possible.
Still, if ever there was a worthwhile way to spend some of her emergency cash, this was it. This was a bona fide emergency. Plus, Ethiopian food was eaten communally. Eating together was as good a place as any to start rebuilding their relationship.
She got to his place and made the order, then got busy working. The order was delivered and still Daniel wasn’t home. It was 10 p.m. on a Saturday night and she was getting worried, but she talked herself out of it, put on her headphones and went back to working.
The loud closing of the door startled her, and she looked up to find his angry eyes on her. She looked at the time: five minutes past midnight. Ella stood up, forcing a smile on her face. “Hey.”
“What are you doing here?” Daniel asked, stripping his clothes off as he walked to the bedroom. She followed him, just in time to see him take off his shirt.
“I missed your sexy abs?” She joked, trying for lightness.
He dropped the t-shirt he’d picked up, entirely unamused. He stripped off his trousers and pulled on a pair of shorts, then walked out of the bedroom and headed back to the sitting room.
She smiled when she realized he’d done nothing to hide his glorious naked chest. That was a good sign, she decided.
“Came to apologize for last night,” Ella said, moving around the kitchen, setting things up so she could warm the food.
“I already ate.”
She turned to face him. His spacious house dwarfed hers multiple times. She was in the open floor plan kitchen. He stood in the living room, face set in stone. This would have been so much easier at her house. Physical distance increases emotional distance.
“Come on, it’s that Ethiopian place you like.”
“I’m good.”
She sighed. He was going to make this hard. Okay. She’d come prepared. She poured the various soups and vegetables into oven-friendly bowls, placed them in the oven, turned it on and hoped for the best. They would eat the Injera cold. She wasn’t going to risk ruining it by warming it.
She walked to him and placed her hand over his pecs. He liked it when she expressed a naked appreciation for his body.
“I’m sorry about jana.” Ella started. “I was having a crazy day, and I took it out on you.”
Daniel stepped back from her touch. “It’s not about yesterday. It’s about you letting your sister control you.”
“What?”
“That’s who told you the Westy story, right? She tells you something and you automatically assume it’s true?”
“I didn’t assume it was true. I asked you and instead of answering you, just lost your shit.”
“What would you do if I rocked up in here and asked you in some accusing tone where you were earlier today? Tell me you wouldn’t be pissed.”
She was silent, and then she sighed. “I would be pissed.”
He shrugged and tried to walk past her.
She put her hand on his abs, and he stopped. She looked up at him. “Yeah, but if you came to apologize, I would hear you out.”
“The difference between us is I trust you and you trust your sister. You let her control you.”
“That’s not true.”
“She told you lies about me and you immediately believed her, knowing full well that she doesn’t like me. She’s never liked me and you still listened to her. You know why I don’t come for your family things? Because of her. That’s why. I see no reason to put myself in a toxic situation like that. And you just don’t get it.”
“She may not be your biggest fan, but she wouldn’t just lie. Maybe she misunderstood or something, but she wouldn’t just lie. That’s not her.”
“Once again, you’re taking her side,” Daniel said, storming off.
“I’m not taking her side.” Ella almost yelled, exasperated.
The oven beeped. She looked at him, then at the oven, and decided to rescue the food. She’d paid too steep a price for it.
She put all the food on the counter. God, it smelled great. She was going to eat even if he didn’t; she decided.
She turned to find him watching her from the kitchen door.
“The only way this works is if you stop bringing your sister into our relationship. You can’t be out there talking about me with someone who hates me. It don’t make sense, not if you like me and want this to work.”
“Okay. No interference from my sister. Our relationship is ours.”
“You need to set some boundaries and stick to them, or this will not work.”
“Yeah,” Ella whispered. “I get it.”
Silence occupied the space between them.
“Okay. I forgive you.”
They stood staring at each other for a beat. The great smell wafted up to her, drawing her attention, and she turned to it, shoving down the unease she was still feeling. “Are you going to eat now?”
“Depends. What’s on the menu?” He asked, walking towards her, a playful look on his face. He crowded behind her so that her back was squeezed up with his front. His hand slid under her vest, cupping her naked breast.
“All you can eat, baby.”
“That’s what I like to hear.”
He pinched her nipple, and she flinched, instinctively moving her hand to cover his. She’d told him her nipples were really sensitive and the whole pain thing didn’t do it for her. Multiple times. He was likely just really aroused. That’s why it had slipped his mind. Ella couldn’t fault him for being so turned on by her, could she? She’d remind him next time. No reason to upset their newly brokered peace.
Chapter 6 – A Love Safari Resets Things
It was 3 a.m. and an exhausted Ella was at her desk, ostensibly working. In actual fact, she’d spent the last three hours looking at videos of dogs. And crying about how cute they were. She wanted a dog so bad it was a tangible ache in her chest. She wanted to come home to someone who was excited to see her, someone who would leave her face with kisses and overwhelm her with hugs.
Daniel had been pretty busy the last two weeks, so they hadn’t spent s much time together. It didn’t help that her house was so messy. Okay, dirty, the word was dirty. Her kitchen had multiple pots, pans and dishes currently hosting vibrant mould colonies. She hadn’t cleaned anything in about two weeks, not her dishes, not her clothes, some days not even herself. The only thing she cleaned with any consistency was her teeth. She could not afford to see a dentist, so prevention aka brushing religiously was all she had. Her teeth and whatever plate she was using for a specific meal were the maximum commitment she could make to cleaning. She subsisted on instant noodles and toasted bread, so meal prep was easy as was the ease of reusing dishes.
If she was honest, she was relieved Daniel was so busy; she didn’t have the energy to put on a show for him, much less clean the house or herself. They’d had dinner at his place twice and having to prepare for that and keep her spirits up for those two evenings had just about taken it all out of her.
She didn’t get why she was like this. It had been a while since she’d let things get this bad. She had this ridiculous thing where when one area of her life was going up in flames, her mind decided to sit back and let everything else burn as well. So, when she was at her most broke, she somehow found she couldn’t do anything else. She couldn’t work, cook, or clean.
It made no sense this time, though. She’d made some strides towards replacing the emergency money she’d spent on buying Daniel his favourite Ethiopian meal. She’d spoken to both her siblings and made peace. She didn’t tell them about the new boundaries thing and the separation of her relationships. That was for her to know and implement as unobtrusively as possible. They didn’t need to know that. They’d just worry and want to talk, and she couldn’t muster the energy for that. So, no.
Her life was great. More like okay. It was its usual self, so what was up? I mean, yes, she’d missed one game night, but that was not enough to cause whatever this was. She’d known Daniel would plead out because of work and she really didn’t have it in her to survive another night of #CoupleGoals in living 4K ultra HD. Plus, she needed to practice introducing much-needed emotional distance between her and her siblings in the spirit of setting boundaries. The game night she’d been to had been alright. Not as much fun as usual, but the tension with her siblings was officially broken. So what was her problem?
“You’ve just busted your circadian rhythm, that’s it. If you get back to sleeping regularly, everything will go back to normal.” She said out loud. “It’s all about sleep, sun, and sex.”
She’d been watching these videos on the importance of sleep. The irony of watching them in the middle of the night when she should have been sleeping was not lost on her. They all insisted that sleep and the sun played a critical role in mood regulation. All she needed to do was go try sleeping, then go get some sun in the morning.
Sex was her own contribution to the current scientific knowledge based purely on anecdotal evidence. Did it count, though, if it was no longer doing it for her? The last two times they’d had sex, she’d lain still next to Daniel, regulating her breathing, unable to fall asleep. Thankfully, he hadn’t noticed. Try as she did, she couldn’t shake the doubt niggling at the back of her mind. He’d never said no when she’d asked if he was cheating. That meant something, right? Right?
All she thought of while she lay there trying to sleep was all that research on sleep and the consequences of not doing it. There was one where the speaker said nocturnal habits should basically be classified as carcinogens. Ever since she’d heard that, all Ella did was wonder whether her mom had also just lain awake at night and that’s why she’d developed cancer. And whether she was even now developing it as she sat there weeping over people’s pet dogs.
Usually, she wasn’t afraid of dying. What she was afraid of was the pain before. She’d seen her mom waste away from the illness and knew with jarring certainty that she wouldn’t be able to bear illness with half that grace or courage. Her mom had suffered through multiple rounds of chemo and radiation because she had something to fight for, her family. Ella didn’t. Not in the same way. Sure, her siblings would miss her, and would be crashed if her number was called, but they’d eventually be fine. Their partners would help them through it. She didn’t have anyone who needed needed her. Not even Daniel.
That’s why she needed a pet, a dog. Cats were notoriously standoffish from what she heard, and what she needed, only a dog could provide. Plus, a dog would legit miss her, she’d seen evidence of it online. Even better, it would be there for her if anything happened to her siblings, and she needed support. Daniel was too busy to be relied on to consistently dispense comforting hugs and kisses.
“I just need a dog. That’s it. Then I’ll be fine.”
Ella immediately looked up things to consider before getting a dog and felt her excitement deflate as she read through the first article. She was petrified of being sick because she couldn’t afford it. There was no way she could get a dog. What if it got sick, and she needed to take it to a vet? She couldn’t afford a vet. Where do you even get a vet? How do you know they’re legit? Also, how does one get a dog to a vet if they don’t have a car? There was no way she was using a matatu with a dog, there must be some colonial city council ordinance about it, then she’d have to deal with police or worse, city council askaris. Maybe she’d even be put in the inhumane cells where she’d slowly but surely begin to lose her mind. Well, maybe not begin, she thought, with a morbid laugh. “You’re already well on your way there.”
And what if the dog got so sick it died? She couldn’t watch one more thing she loved die. One time was more than enough.
She closed the lid on the laptop with more force than warranted it and went to bed where she tossed and turned before eventually getting up and going to the bathroom with her cell phone. She peed, wiped, and then remained seated on the throne for another hour playing Candy Crush.
So maybe she was slowly developing cancer as she proceeded to the next level of Angry Birds. No one gets out alive anyway and, unlike her mom, she wasn’t going to do any of that chemo stuff. When her time came, she’d just go. No objections, no fighting. She was nothing if not cooperative. That’s also how she was going to get out of this slump. She’d just ride it out. Eventually, it would pass. Eventually, everything passes.
Chapter 7 – Unpleasant Surprises – Did She Know Him At All?
About a week later, it lifted. She woke up one morning and saw her house through the eyes of a stranger. Everything was everywhere. There was no discernible demarcation between her living room and bedroom. Her clothes were everywhere, as were her disgusting utensils. No one would eat in her house ever again if they saw it in its current state. Even she wouldn’t eat here if she had any kind of choice in the matter.
She immediately got to cleaning, first the mouldy dishes, then the dusty floors. By the time she was done, the sun was setting, and she was beyond drained. The house was habitable. She’d tackle the mountains of laundry the following day. Fingers crossed.
As if sensing her grave mood had lifted, Daniel called, asking her out. They’d spoken barely five times throughout the three weeks the black cloud had engulfed her. It appeared, though, that they were both back and she couldn’t have been happier.
She curled up on the couch, as she spoke to him. “A week? Where are we going?”
“It’s a surprise.”
“Come on,” she whined playfully. “We’re going away for a week, and you won’t tell me where.”
“I was led to understand that women are into this sort of surprise thing. Are you saying I was misled and should cancel it altogether?”
“Stop talking stupid. What should I pack?”
“Everything you would take if you were moving to the beach and intending to spend every waking moment in the water. Think tiny and tinier.”
She laughed. “So we’re looking at an entire week of tiny and tinier?”
“Yeah, and nothing altogether.”
“I think I can do that.”
“That’s my girl.”
Ella had barely been able to sit still since the phone call. It had been so long since he’d done something like that. They had fallen into the simple dinner date, then sex routine, the only difference being where they ate. Too often, it was just ordering in, followed closely by sex.
This time, they had a week to focus on them and renewing their relationship. She was going to maximize this time alone, free from the daily pressures of life, and use it to set them back on track.
Ella flittered about the house on newly light feet packing stuff. She’d make up for the lost work hours when she came back. Her working mojo had returned, so she’d definitely be fine. It would mean working slightly longer each day, but it would do. What her job lacked in the way of compensation and intellectual rigour it more than made up for in the freedom to set her own hours.
She packed every skimpy article of clothing she had. Tiny skirts and shorts. Tight vests and tees. The single matching bra and underwear set she owned, which she brought out only on special occasions. This week needed all the big guns.
Her phone vibrated, and she grabbed for it. Daniel had been sending her texts about how excited he was. She’d been waiting by her phone, all excited, butterflies in her stomach, which is what she imagined young teenage love was like. She’d not dated anyone in high school or even when she was at the university. Daniel was her first relationship, and she just loved that she was getting to feel these things, even if it was so late in the game.
Her face fell. It was her brother in their sibling chat group. He was just checking in on everyone. Damn, she’d have to tell them she was going on a week-long trip with Daniel to some as yet unknown place. That would go well.
As much as she dreaded having to tell them, she couldn’t be so irresponsible as to go to some unknown place with a man and not tell her people. She’d been alive too long, seen too much to be able to convince herself to do that.
Ella recorded a quick voice note. “Hey guys, I’m aight. Daniel and I are going away for a short trip. It’s a surprise so sijui where we’re going but I’ll let you know as soon as I know. Plus, I’ll check in with y’all every day, so you know I’m still alive and shit.” She laughed so they’d know she was joking. “Cool. So you know we can do daily voice notes. See ya.”
She hoped they understood that meant she didn’t want phone calls and all communication should be via voice notes. She wanted to focus on her and Daniel this coming week.
Neither one of them replied immediately, and she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that they were discussing it separately, most likely on an actual call. She wasn’t going to let herself worry about that. She’d done her part, the responsible thing, and would shortly be off on her much-needed romantic getaway.
***
That evening, Daniel pulled up in one of those big vehicles used by tours and travel companies. “Safari, baby. You ready?” he asked, embracing her in a tight hug. She clung to him and sighed. It had been too long.
“It’s just the two of us, right?” she asked, lifting her head from his chest.
“Yeah,”
“What are we going to do with this big ass car?”
He pulled back and shook his head, clickinghis tongue. “We’re going to have to work on your imagination and sense of adventure.”
Ella laughed. “I look forward to it.”
They spent that night in one of the luxury hotels in the city. Daniel insisted they needed some major pampering, considering they’d be spending the preponderance of their time on their asses in the car. They ate overpriced though admittedly delicious hotel food, cuddled, as they watched TV and raided the snack bar just for the experience. They had sex on the plush hotel bed. Then she lay still, listening to Daniel’s soft snores.
She’d faked it. She’d faked orgasms in the past, on rare occasions, but it had never occurred to her that she’d ever feel the need to do it in such a set-up. The mattress alone was divine, to say nothing of the room and being waited on hand and foot. Ella didn’t know why she’d done it this time, and she always knew why. Sometimes it was because she was tired, others because it was taking too long, and others because she was upset about something. She wasn’t any of those. So why?
Maybe it was a side-effect of her poor sleeping and busted circadian rhythm.
That had to be it, she decided. Then she closed her eyes and prepared for another sleepless night.
***
They had marginally satisfactory morning sex and a highly satisfactory breakfast before hitting the road. Ella discreetly checked in with her siblings via text that morning and later in the day, when they stopped to use the bathroom, sent them a voice note.
“Hey, guys. I’m alright. We’re just driving without any specific destination in mind, but we’re headed towards Naivasha. I’ll let you know where we end up. Hope you guys are good. Bye.”
They held hands intermittently while he drove, and she checked that off her bucket list. It felt as good as it looked in all the Pinterest pictures. This must be why Huey and Eddy seemed incapable of not doing it. Her days of charging them with reckless endangerment were firmly behind her.
Daniel stopped at the Great Rift Valley viewpoint. They watched the sunrise in each other’s arms wrapped in a Maasai shuka they bought right there to ward off the chill. They also bought matching bead bracelets in the Kenyan flag colours and took a million pictures. She couldn’t even remember the last time they’d taken pictures together. They spent the drive listening to old school local songs and some throwback Hip Hop and RnB, competing to remember the lyrics and sing along. She couldn’t remember the last time they’d had this much fun together, just laughing and being silly.
At around midday, they stopped for lunch, then resumed the drive. They occasionally stopped to take in the scenery in each other’s arms in the back of the Land Rover. During the drive, it was mostly just singing, laughing, and giving each other delighted smiles. If there was a National Park, they took a detour and went in, just following their whims. As the sun set, they searched for hotels online and picked one that met his expensive sensibilities to lay their heads at that evening.
Every day was the same yet different and so very magical she was afraid this much good fortune would most definitely be followed by tremendous ill fortune.
***
“Why do you look like that?” Daniel asked. They were on their drive back. In about five hours max, she’d be back in her old life.
“I don’t want it to end.”
“I know, me too.” He took her hand and squeezed gently before releasing it.
“I’m scared,” she added.
“Of what?”
“Of losing this, this us,” Ella whispered, looking at the scenery through her open window.
“Why do you always do this? You always expect bad things to happen, that’s why bad things happen to you. You’re too negative. It fucking sucks.”
Her throat closed up, and she focused on the moving trees to keep the tears at bay. “Yeah.”
Chapter 8: Running Scared
Ella was tuckered out. All she wanted to do was shower and burrow deep under her covers. She didn’t get it; all she’d done was laze in expensive hotel rooms and bob her head to music while riding shotgun. Yet here she was approximating the level of exhaustion she imagined was more to the tune of the salespeople she saw in town who were forced to stand all day six days a week calling out to severely uninterested customers. Who knew sitting on the lap of luxury could also be exhausting? Maybe it was all the sex marathons? Still, if this was first world problems, she would make like Oliver Twist and say, “More please.”
She opened the door, taking in her house, and for the first time thought about how much she’d missed it. It was a one-bedroom apartment with small rooms that should have felt claustrophobic after all those luxury hotel rooms, yet all she felt was an inner elation at being back home. Home.
“Hey, you’re home,” Huey said, and her head swivelled toward him so fast she got a crick in her neck. He walked to her and gave her a brief hug before pulling back.
“I call dibs on the shower,” Daniel said, walking in behind her. He stopped when he saw her brother, his face taking on a decidedly unfriendly look. “Hey, Huey.”
“Hey,” Huey replied, voice and expression far more affable.
Daniel walked to the bedroom and shut the door forcefully. Great, now she’d have to deal with that. She closed the door behind her, and then turned to her brother. “What are you doing here? Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”
He floundered for a second. How could he tell her that he’d been so anxious, so afraid that something had happened to her that he couldn’t do anything else? That he’d had to come here and wait to see that she was okay. That it was literally either that or lose his goddamned mind. “I wanted to surprise you. I thought it’d just be you. Sorry.”
Ella sighed, sounding so put upon even she thought she was overdoing it. He meant well, that’s all that mattered.
“Hey, I assumed you’d be tired of each other after spending every moment of every day together for an entire week.”
She felt irritation rise. Why did they keep finding fault in her relationship? “You and Eddy live together and you’re not tired of each other, why would we be tired of each other?”
“I was just joking. And the truth is, if we spent every minute of every day together for an entire week, we’d need a break.”
“Look, we’re really tired, so maybe we could hang out later?” Ella said. She made it sound like a question, but he knew it wasn’t.
Something fell in the bedroom and the noise was loud enough to draw both their eyes to the door.
Huey stepped in front of her, blocking her view of the bedroom door with his back to it. He had to ask. Maybe his worry hadn’t been a product of his usual anxiety. Maybe there was more going on here. He knew how these things went, how a single question could be a massive game-changer.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” He asked, voice low, dripping with concern.
“What is that supposed to mean?” Daniel all but growled behind him.
Huey stiffened and fought the urge to turn to Daniel and protect his back. Instead, he kept his eyes on Ella, trying to read her expression.
She looked apprehensive, not scared, which was good. She moved to stand between him and Daniel, and he instinctively pushed her back and covered her, turning to face Daniel too.
Daniel narrowed his eyes. For a moment Huey tensed up, fear creeping up his spine. He’d seen that look before. Pain always accompanied it. Pain and suffering. His throat closed up and he struggled to swallow. His clammy hands started trembling, and he clenched his fists to stop it.
Ella pushed him back with an irritated huff, coming between him and Daniel once more.
“Huey is a worrier. He asks everyone that question in that exact way,” she said, her voice low and soothing with a laugh to show that people found that trait amusing.
“A better question is why you imagine you have any say when it comes to what I privately discuss with my sister.” Huey chimed in, finally finding his voice.
Daniel stepped up to Huey, ignoring Ella, who was a head shorter between them and just a few inches away from being squished.
“Don’t test me, bitch.” Daniel snarled.
“Fuck you,” Huey replied evenly.
“How about I fuck your sister instead?”
Ella pushed Daniel back, and he allowed it taking a step back. He walked to the bedroom and stood at the door.
“Just tell your fag brother to stay out of my business.” He added before slamming the door.
Ella stood still, looking at the closed door. Huey turned her around, arms on her shoulders, and gave her a loaded look. A look she interpreted with zero difficulty. “Is that truly your choice?”
“He’s just tired,” she said.
“It’s a dangerous thing to lie to yourself, Ella.” He sighed, shaking his head.
Huey turned and walked to the door, “Stay safe.” He whispered before closing the door.
***
Ella stormed into the bedroom, so angry she was breathing almost exclusively through her mouth. She was so angry she didn’t know where to begin. She opened the door and found him laughing at something on his phone, like nothing had just happened. Her brain effectively cleared at the sight. She shook her head, speechless, then went straight to the bathroom and stood under the shower for the better part of an hour.
That pained, worried look her brother had given her after Daniel had flung that hateful slur at him would forever be etched on her mind. She kept replaying it, thinking about how hurt he must be, how disappointed. The fact that it had happened to him in her house, courtesy of her boyfriend, had to be the worst part of it. Your family is supposed to be safe and now she was no longer a safe space for him.
Daniel’s loud raps against the locked bathroom door finally drew her out of the shame spiral she was smack-dab in the middle of.
“You’re not the only one who wants to shower,” he shouted.
“I’m done,” she yelled back.
Ella wrapped her small towel around her middle, covering all the key areas, and then left the bathroom. He was leaning on the doorpost naked except for the towel covering his bottom half.
He smiled, slipping his finger into the knot between her breasts. She stepped away, securing the knot before the towel came down.
The smile disappeared, and he followed her to the bedroom. “Are you seriously mad about that thing with your brother?” he asked, incredulous.
“You insulted my brother and did so with an incredibly hateful slur. So yes, I’m mad.” She replied.
“He is a fag.” He replied, voice light and playful like it was no big deal.
It is a big deal and fuck you a million times for thinking it isn’t; she thought.
“He’s gay. Call him that one more time and we’re done.” She said, looking him in the eye.
His expression transformed into something that scared her. The next thing Ella knew, she was on the bed on her back and Daniel was looming over her. She tried to lightly push him away so as not to infuriate him further, stopping when she realized most of his weight was on her, pinning her down.
She froze, body trembling.
“Daniel, stop.” She said in a tone of voice she hoped was soft and would not escalate things.
He ripped the towel off her, exposing her nakedness. “Don’t. Ever. Threaten me.” His face was right over hers, his teeth barred as he enunciated each menacing word.
“Okay,” she squeaked out, voice shrunken by fear and her dry throat.
Her brain was racing as she prayed and wondered how best to calm him down. God help her, she couldn’t remember a single thing about how to de-escalate things with a potentially violent man and she knew she’d come across some content over the years.
“Good,” he snarled before climbing off her and walking out. The bedroom door slammed, chilling her followed by the main one minutes later.
She was trembling all over, her heart racing so fast she was afraid she was having some kind of panic attack. When she could move, she haphazardly retied the towel, raced to the door and locked it.
Chapter 9: She Never Thought She Would Be One Of Those Women
Ella sat on the edge of the corner of her beat-up couch, knuckles affixed over her mouth, trying to get a handle on her breathing. Her thoughts alternated between what had just happened and what she should do next. She didn’t want to think about what had just happened she knew that. She should think about what to do next. Yes, that’s what she should focus on. Except she seemed incapable of focusing on anything.
It was official. She couldn’t do any serious thinking in this house. She needed to go elsewhere. Anywhere else. Yes, she should do that. But where could she go? She couldn’t go to her brother or sister. They’d both want to talk, which was the last thing she wanted to do.
She needed someone who wouldn’t want to talk, and she had the perfect person in mind. Her campus friend, Olive. Olive had an open-door policy; come as needed and she worked night shifts. It was perfect. She’d be gone when Ella was awake, which meant no talking. If she was honest, Olive was the only person she could go to aside from her siblings. A social butterfly, Ella was not. She could count all her close friends on one hand, and the ones she could move in with indefinitely on one finger. Olive.
She hunted for her phone, then called Olive.
“Hey, Ella,” Olive answered.
“Hey,” Ella said, voice artificially chipper.
They exchanged pleasantries, then Ella asked if she could come hang. “I just need a small break from my place.”
“You know you’re welcome here anytime. It’s a bit of a mess, though.”
“I guarantee you it’s not as messy as my place is.”
“I leave for work at 6, so if you can be here before that, that’d be great.”
Ella hung up and immediately got to the business of packing. She was out of the house in less than 10 minutes. Sudden sadness engulfed her at the realization that she had nothing to care for, not even a pet or plant to think about as she made her escape. The more troubling realization that she was indeed escaping overpowered that thought. She locked her door with trembling hands and tried to tell herself that she wasn’t running, and she wasn’t afraid, but Huey’s voice kept ringing in her ears, warning her of the perils of self-deception.
***
Ella kept having to remind herself to stop doing that anxious knuckle-over-her-mouth thing while in the matatu. That and twitching. They were drawing unnecessary attention to her during her commute.
She got to Olive’s place in good time, an upbeat mood masking her internal turmoil. She celebrated her superior acting skills as the minutes rolled past, sans twitching and the knuckle thing. It was about 5 p.m. when her friend got up and insisted they had to stop all this talking or she’d be late for work. Olive went to get ready, and Ella unleashed all her pent-up twitching and knuckling. The trick she was realizing was intermittently releasing of the pressure building up in her.
An urgent knock at the door drew her attention away from tips and tricks for calming her internal chaos. She cracked the door open, then slammed it shut.
Olive’s concerned face appeared in the corner. When her eyes clocked Ella, she came out of the room and approached Ella.
“What’s going on?” Olive asked.
Just then, Daniel knocked again. “Sweetheart, come on, open the door.”
“Is that…?” Olive asked.
“Daniel? Yes.” Ella replied, finding her voice.
Olive knew about the existence of a boyfriend named Daniel but had not met him. Shame flooded Ella’s insides as she remembered how she’d gushed as she recounted meeting him at a mutual friend’s graduation party. How obvious her crush had been. She shook her head as if to clear the memory.
Daniel had dropped Ella off at Olive’s exactly one time and he clearly remembered the place. How could she have forgotten that he’d been here before?
“What’s going on?” Olive asked again.
Ella shook her head, unwilling or unable to find the words to explain.
Olive nodded decisively before moving to the door. Ella, correctly reading her intentions, tried to stop her, but Olive pushed past and opened the door. The burglar stood between them, closed but not locked.
“You need to leave. She doesn’t want to talk to you.” Olive said, voice brooking no disagreement.
“Tell her I just want to apologize,” Daniel said, moving the huge bouquet of flowers and the package at his feet closer to the burglar.
“You don’t look dumb, so I’ll say it just one more time in two languages that I know you understand. Ella hataki kuongea na wewe. She does not want to talk to you. Got it?”
Ella stood hidden behind the door, trembling, and running through every worst-case scenario. Olive was only going to piss Daniel off, which may not end well. The burglar was just a series of metal rods welded together with enough room for Daniel to slip his hand in almost up to the elbow and open it if he wanted. They needed to lock it ASAP.
“Padlock,” she whispered to Olive, who, sensing the urgency in her voice, responded by reaching for the padlock on the nearby windowsill.
Daniel saw the padlock and clocked what was happening. He tried to slip his hand through the gaps. Olive was faster and clearly had no qualms about engaging in violent self-defence. She slammed the heavy padlock on his knuckles, and then while he wailed, she slid it closed.
“You fucking bitch!” he yelled, cradling his fingers.
“Try me again and you’ll see just how much of a bitch I can be,” Olive added before slamming the door closed.
Olive turned to her, swallowed, and nodded, appearing to reconsider her remarks. She peeped through the window and saw him seated on her tiny veranda. “I don’t think he intends to leave, and I have to go to work.”
Olive checked the time and started pacing. “I’m calling Jack.”
Jack was a mutual friend who was a police officer. Ella shook her head in protest. She wasn’t a fan of policing as a whole and thought people should only bring them in when all else failed, sometimes not even then. “No. I’ll call Chris, Amy’s husband. He’s pretty intimidating. He’ll likely get him to leave.”
Ella grabbed her phone and made the call. While she was explaining with as little embarrassing information as possible, Daniel started knocking on the door again, this time slamming the burglar with his open palm.
Chris freaked out. “Just hang on, I’m on my way.”
Daniel kept on with the door slamming, stopping intermittently to tell her how sorry he was and remind her how good they were together.
Ella did her best to tune it out, eyes on Olive, who was wearing a hole through her carpet. She was pacing so much.
The neighbours’ curious eyes were glued to Olive’s house. Ella had apologized so much that Olive had eventually snapped, “I know. Sit down and just shut the fuck up.”
Ella did as ordered. She sat down, clenched knuckle over her closed mouth, leg bouncing and entire body vibrating whenever Daniel began another round of knocking and apologizing.
Her phone rang, jarring both Ella and Olive. It was her sister. Great.
She answered. “Hey,”
“Are you okay? Is he still there?” Amy asked, diving right in.
“Yeah, we’re good. He’s still here, but we’ve locked the burglar so he can’t come in.” She succeeded in keeping her voice from trembling and was peripherally proud of herself. She could keep her emotions under control if she didn’t focus too much on the fact that her boyfriend was out there terrorizing her and her friend. This was a scene she’d never imagined herself starring in.
“Okay. Don’t hang up, we’re on our way and I want to stay on the line.”
That was the last thing Ella needed. She couldn’t talk and talk and talk until they finally got here.
“Okay,” she answered. She had no business complaining. Her relationship drama had caused enough chaos, as it were. They were just trying to help.
There was blessed silence which lasted the six seconds it took her sister to add their brother to the call. Great. More people.
“Huey, we’re on a conference call with Ella. I’m with Chris.” Amy said.
“Ella, are you okay?” Huey asked.
“Yeah, we’re good. He’s outside and we’ve locked the burglar, so we’re safe.”
Evidently, that was Daniel’s cue to resume his intermittent banging and begging.
“Jesus, babe. How many times do I have to say I’m sorry? Just think about how good we were on safari. That’s the real us, sweetheart. I just made a fucking mistake. Fuck.”
“What’s happening?” her sister asked, voice uncharacteristically high pitched.
“He’s just banging the door, but it’s locked, so we’re safe.”
“Ella. Can you just be mature for once? All I want to do is talk. You’re always so fucking stubborn.” Daniel asked, seemingly unable to decide whether he wanted to be a bad cop or a good cop in this interaction.
“We’re almost there. We’ll be there in five minutes, max. Amy, how far are you guys?”
“About 10, maybe 15 minutes away. Huey, be careful when you get there.”
“Yeah.”
“You’ll die alone, you know that? You’ll die all alone if you can’t forgive. Relationships are all about forgiving.” Daniel yelled.
Silence.
“I didn’t even do anything,” Daniel started again. “I get that I scared you, and I won’t ever do it again. I swear, baby. I swear it.”
“What did he do?”
“What is he talking about?”
Who was she supposed to answer when they all spoke at the same time?
“Nothing.” She answered.
“I would never force you, babe. Ever. You know that.”
Damnit.
There was silence in the wake of his last statement.
“We’re here,” Huey said, voice low at the same time they heard a car drive up.
Ella opened the door to see him exit the car, eyes fixed on Daniel. He didn’t even bother to close the passenger side door as he stalked towards Daniel. Daniel squared his soldiers and advanced towards Huey. Huey threw the first punch, then it was an all-out brawl with Eddy joining.
Ella’s hands were shaking so much as she tried to open the padlock that the keys fell out, just outside their reach. Amy and Chris arrived during the fracas, and the three men were finally able to subdue Daniel. They pinned him down, then tied him up with some twine Chris had in the boot of his car. Amy handed Olive the padlock keys, and they joined the small crowd outside the house.
Daniel kept talking, his words directed at her, and she could just feel everyone’s eyes on her. She was those women she’d always wondered about and secretly judged for ending up in such fucked up situations. Now everyone was looking at her the way she’d looked at those women.
Someone had called the area security guards who had called the police, so now they were waiting. So much for not involving the police. The tension was palpable when they saw the police car approaching.
Huey bent into a squat, eyes on Daniel, who lay on the ground. “You stay the fuck away from my sister or I swear to God the next time, they’ll be nothing left for the police to rescue.”
The police took Daniel and instructed the rest of them to follow them to the police station to record their official statements. Olive called her boss, who chewed her out before demanding she appear at work after recording her statement.
Ella and Olive rode to the station with Huey and Eddy, with Amy and Chris following them.
“I’m so sorry,” Ella said after Olive hung up with her boss.
“I know. Now stop saying it. You’re making things weird.” She replied with a wink.
***
Ella got a cab for Olive. It was the least she could do. Then the rest of them headed to Amy’s place for the night. The couples had decided, without her input, that it would be safer for Ella to spend the night at Amy’s, just in case they released Daniel on bail and he sought her out. She was so numb and so tired she couldn’t summon the energy to protest.
She was riding with Huey and Eddy, with Amy and Chris behind them.
“Breathe, baby,” Eddy said voice soft with underlying urgency.
She turned to look at her brother. Huey was clasping and unclasping his trembling fingers and looked like he was concentrating too hard on breathing.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, turning to Eddy.
“Panic attack,” Eddy said, eyes darting frantically between the road and his partner. They were on the highway at night. Stopping was not a good idea.
“I’ve seen a petrol station. Just hang on a sec.”
Eddy pulled into the petrol station and jumped out, rushing to Huey’s side. He threw the door open, then started talking softly to him, demonstrating how to breathe so Huey could copy it.
Amy and Chris pulled in to ask why they were stopped and walked right into the scene.
It didn’t look like it was working, Huey looked like he was on the verge of passing out. He was shaking and sweating and breathing heavily. It looked to Ella like he was having a heart attack from the way he was grabbing his chest.
Ella stood paralyzed with fear, only moving when she felt someone’s hands gently move her to the side.
It was a man about her height, with a big afro. “I’m a nurse. He’s having a panic attack. Let me help?” He framed it like a question.
Eddy moved slightly to the side, allowing the nurse access.
“What’s his name?“ the nurse asked, eyes on Huey.
“Huey.” They answered in unison.
“Huey. I know you’re feeling terrible, but it’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. I’m a nurse and I can help. All you need to do is focus on something else, like your feet. Those are some cool shoes you got there.” His voice was so gentle.
Huey looked at his shoes.
“Good, just like that.” The nurse encouraged. “Now you just need to slow down your breathing. Bring your finger to your lips and breathe through your nose.“
Huey kept trying to breathe only through his nose, his trembling finger over his mouth.
“That’s it. Just like that. You’re going to be just fine. Everything’s going to be okay. Just breathe through your nose. There you go.“
His breathing began to normalize.
“That’s it, love.” Eddy encouraged.
The nurse helped him lean back on the seat when he was fully calm. Huey looked exhausted.
The whole affair couldn’t have lasted 15 minutes, but it felt interminable. They were cloaked in silence, when her brother, with a broken voice, said, “I’m okay,” and Eddy took him in his arms, holding him for about a minute.
“I’m okay,” Huey repeated, voice muffled.
Finally, Eddy pulled back and turned to the nurse. “Thank you so much.”
“You’re welcome.”
The rest of them thanked the nurse, did brief introductions, and Amy took his phone number. Eddy gently wiped the sweat off Huey’s face with soft tissues.
“How long has he been getting them?” Amy whispered after the nurse left.
Eddy paused his ministrations, turning to face the concerned group. “A while. I’m guessing he’s going to want to tell you the details himself. Why don’t we get back on the road? We can talk when we get to your place.”
“Okay,” Chris said, guiding a hesitant Amy towards their car, his arm around her shoulders.
Eddy turned to Ella. “I’m so sorry, Ella. But could you please ride with them just to give Huey a moment to regroup?”
She wanted to insist on riding with them so she could monitor her brother, but then it occurred that he’d gotten that panic attack after dealing with her mess. She nodded stiffly and followed Chris and Amy. Chris was rubbing Amy’s shoulder and whispering something. He opened the passenger side door for her, which she’d never seen him do, then kissed her cheek before going over to his side. He gave Ella a brief nod as she slid into the back seat.
Chapter 10 – The Talk – Family Secrets All Come Out
“You shouldn’t have said that,” Huey said, voice a low whisper as if he was still afraid of someone overhearing.
“What exactly?” Eddy asked, trying to control his inexplicable irritation.
“You know what. You shouldn’t have said I’d been having them for a while, and you certainly should not have suggested that I’ll talk to them about it.”
“You’d have preferred it if I’d lied to them?”
“That’s not it and you know it.”
“All I know is I wasn’t going to lie to your family like you lied to me.”
“I never lied to you,” Huey disputed, turning to look at Eddy, whose hard gaze was fixed on the road.
“You didn’t tell me about it.” Eddy ground out. “The only reason I know is because you had an attack while we were together.”
“Eddy,” Huey started realizing that he’d hurt his partner.
“Lie to your family if you want to, but don’t ask me to do it.” Eddy interrupted, his anger surging past. He took a deep breath. God, this was not the time to pick a fight with his partner, who looked like he’d just run a marathon he was not prepared for. His voice softened. “You judge yourself harshly, so you assume other people will do the same when really the people who love you would never. All we want is to be there for you.” He took another deep breath. “We can fight later. Can you just rest?”
Huey nodded, throat closing up. He moved his hand to Eddy’s thigh, gently caressing it. Eddy squeezed his hand, and all was right in Huey’s world again.
***
The siblings were seated in Amy’s living room, silent. No one had said a single word for more than five minutes. Chris and Eddy had disappeared when they got to the house, ostensibly to give the siblings an opportunity to talk in private.
“We can open the floor with submissions about how astoundingly stupid I am,” Ella said voice artificially chipper.
“You’re not stupid,” Amy said.
“Come on, you think I’m dumb. It’s okay to say it, it’s a safe space. Even I think I’m dumb.”
“That’s not how safe spaces work,” Huey said.
“And I don’t think you’re dumb,” Amy added.
Ella snorted. “Please, do I need to remind you that your parting shot to me after you said you’d seen him cheating was ‘Don’t be dumb?’”
“I was angry and maybe I shouldn’t have said that. I know you and you’re not dumb. I don’t understand why you made the choices you did, but I know it wasn’t because you’re dumb.”
Silence.
“Whatever he did, it’s his fault, not yours, and I’m sorry if I ever made it seem like it was yours.”
Ella looked away from her sister in a valiant attempt to stave off the tears. Her eyes landed on Huey. His head was bowed, hands over his eyes, but there was no mistaking the dampness on his cheeks. She closed her eyes and felt tears wet her own cheeks. It was her turn to take deep, measured breaths. It felt like she was breathing through a straw, unable to fill her lungs with much-needed oxygen.
“Joe was abusive and violent,” Huey said, and Ella found the energy to look up at him. Joe was his ex-boyfriend. They’d dated for little more than two years and had been broken up for about four. “That’s when I started getting the panic attacks. They got worse after mom. I haven’t had one in months, though, so I’ve mostly been good.”
It had been little over two years since their mom’s passing.
“Why didn’t you tell us about Joe and the panic attacks?” Amy asked.
“I was embarrassed, ashamed.” His shoulders rose, then fell, a habitual childhood gesture. “I couldn’t bear the thought of someone else knowing. With other people, I know it’s not their fault, but with me, all I keep thinking is I should have known better. How could I have stayed in an abusive relationship for two years, you know?”
“Yeah,” Ella agreed. There was silence, then Ella added, “I’m sorry about today and triggering you.”
“Thanks, but it wasn’t your fault. I don’t blame you, not even a little. Sawa?”
She nodded in agreement, throat dry, “Sawa.”
“I was diagnosed with depression after Mom.”
Ella’s mouth dropped often, her eyes saucers, and Huey gasped. Amy always seemed so together.
“I think it started before Mom, but the grief really pushed it overboard. I was doing all the usual things, but I felt like I was in hell all day, every day. Chris tried to get me to talk to someone, but my stubborn ass wouldn’t do it. I only went after it got to suicidal ideation and it freaked me out. I’m mostly good now.”
Silence.
“Did you ever try anything?” Ella whispered, heart racing with fear.
“No. Once it got to ideation I was so freaked out and told Chris. I started therapy and got on this medication that sucked all my energy. For weeks, I couldn’t do anything. Chris did everything from taking care of the shop and the house to taking care of me.”
The shop was a cosmetics shop she and Chris operated in town, and that was their primary source of income.
“My panic attacks also got really bad after mom,” Huey added. “Got diagnosed with anxiety.”
Silence.
“Can you believe it? I’m the only normal one. Me? Mentally sound.” She said with a tiny laugh. “If you don’t count my crazy ex.”
Her siblings cracked tiny smiles. Ella went on. “I was really lonely after Mom. I just wanted someone, my own someone like you guys. That went sideways.”
“He’s an asshole. You’ll meet someone, you’ll see.” Huey said.
Ella was shaking her head in the negative unconsciously.
“You can’t believe anything he said,” Huey added fiercely.
“Why would you believe someone whose intent was to hurt you?” Amy asked incredulously.
“That doesn’t make it a lie,” Ella said.
“Don’t make it true either,” Huey retorted.
“He was your first boyfriend; you can’t base your projection of future relationships on that,” Amy added.
“I’m 35 and I’ve had only one boyfriend, a bad one at that. Those are not glowing recommendations, plus guys just don’t like me like that and I’ve accepted that. I’m accepting that.”
“Trust me, there’s someone great out there for you,” Amy added.
Ella rolled her eyes, resisting the urge to point out that Amy had never lacked male attention, not even as a kid. The boys had always flocked around her, frustrating both Ella and Huey.
Amy narrowed her eyes and focused on Ella. “There’s no shame in wanting love, in wanting someone. It’s normal, for humans even to desire companionship. And it’s a good thing. I used to be so ashamed of admitting it even to myself, which makes no sense because even now with Chris, it’s that need for companionship that keeps us together. We want someone. We want each other.”
“After Joe, I told myself I was done with relationships. I’d proven I had terrible taste in men, so I was tapping out before I hurt myself even more. It didn’t matter what I told myself, deep down I knew I still wanted someone. I could have never foreseen Eddy. And now look at me winning.” He laughed softly, then winked at her. “In the ever-green words of my boyfriend, ‘You’ve got to have faith, babe.’”
“Don’t ever wink at me or call me babe again,” Ella said, walking to the kitchen to get something to eat. She was suddenly ravenous.
“I wholeheartedly second that,” Amy added following her, Huey’s laugh trailing behind them.
Chapter 11: Keeping The Faith – A Second Chance At Love
10 months later
Ella had laughed so much; that her sides were sore. They were playing taboo at Amy’s place. They were the usual suspects plus Olive, who had a rare Friday night available. Game night had grown to include other friends too, but tonight it was just them. Lately, she’d been having so much fun at these hangouts she couldn’t understand what her problem had been before.
The couple still seemed intent on being #Goals but now instead of desperately needing to flee, she basked in the fact that her siblings were happy. If they could find love, maybe so could she, and that was enough. She was cultivating her relationship with hope. Fingers crossed, they would become close companions with time.
Ella had thrown herself into massive self-improvement after the break-up. She’d taken her emergency savings and bought a bike. Staying indoors was driving her nuts, plus spending all day every day sitting was apparently the new cancer. She needed to get out and move a little.
The problem was she hated walking, could not stomach the thought of running, and could not afford gym membership. Enter biking. She had enjoyed riding as a child and had such pleasant memories. So, she’d started riding early in the morning and in the evening. Those rides had provided some much-needed endorphin boosts. She’d also spent that time thinking about what went wrong, red flags she’d ignored, vulnerabilities he’d exploited and more.
It was one of the most difficult things she’d ever done, but one she was determined to see through to shore up her defences in the event of a similar attack in the future. She didn’t blame herself, but she figured there were things she could do to prevent herself from getting caught up in another abusive relationship. Or at least try.
She’d gotten the idea from an Alcoholics Anonymous recovery pamphlet. Seeing as how she couldn’t afford therapy, self-therapy was the next best thing. Step 4 of 12 was Make a Moral Inventory of Yourself. In her case, she was reflecting on the things that had made her stay, as far as she could tell. Reflecting on her past, including her parents’ toxic relationship, had been difficult as had facing her loneliness and overwhelming grief.
It also didn’t help that she had this propensity to forgive and forgive, and defaulted to seeing the best in people. In Daniel’s case, she’d known about his abusive childhood and cut him endless slack for it. That had not worked out well for her.
She’d had one conversation with Daniel after the incident. He’d gone looking for her to apologize and freaked out when she was missing from her apartment. He insisted that he’d only lost his cool at Olive’s because she was ignoring him, which was apparently triggering for him. Some leftover unaddressed childhood trauma or something. That, compounded with immense stress at work, had brought a side of him that he insisted was not the real him. Still, she was done. There was too much to forgive, justify, or sweep under a rag.
Ella was done ignoring red flags and wouldn’t settle for someone who wasn’t great to and for her. She’d had to face the fact that she wanted a romantic relationship with someone and try to divorce it from shame. Working through that shame and need had been difficult. She realized she had to try to find happiness and contentment on her own, but that it would not erase that deep-seated desire for intimate male companionship.
She focused on what she could do, which was trying to find some joy in her life as it was. It had started with getting a cat. She couldn’t afford a dog, but she could make a cat work. Her neighbourhood was overflowing with strays, so one rainy day, she’d rescued a kitten she found mewling in a ditch. She’d seen it a few times and on that day she, on a whim, ran out and rescued it.
She’d been living with the fiercely independent, occasionally cuddly Pope ever since. Pope was such a pleasant surprise. She didn’t throw a racket every time Ella walked through the door, instead, she’d crawl onto her lap when she least expected it, which it turned out was far more precious. Ella loved her fiercely.
Ella started leaving the house more on bike rides with different riding groups and for hangouts with her siblings, and it had helped. She still had some bad days, but they were nowhere near as frequent or debilitating as before. Ella was far less lonely and a lot happier.
Ella looked at her siblings and their partners, warmth spreading over her. This was good. They were on a refreshment break before one last game. It felt to her like they were all dragging the break out to keep the night from ending. She got it. These days she wanted these nights to go on and on.
Was that the bell?
“Is that your bell?” she asked her sister.
“Yes,” Amy said, getting up.
“What kind of person visits at,” Ella checked her watch, “11:40 p.m?”
Their eyes were all glued to the door as her sister let in the late-night guest. The guy looked familiar, but Ella couldn’t place him, which was no surprise. She was terrible with faces.
Amy handled the introductions. It was the nurse from the dramatic evening of her breakup. Ella looked at Amy and Chris and saw their stupid smiles directed at hers. So, this is where they were at. Her sister and brother-in-law were matchmaking. She turned to her brother, expecting his exasperated look only to find him and Eddy spotting the same dumb smiles. Great. They were all in on it. At least she had Olive. She turned to Olive and found her situating herself on some far-off seat so that Nurse Russell could sit next to Ella. Okay, that was happening.
They enjoyed one final round of Taboo with Russell doing the tallying. This last game would determine the winner and they were too competitive, not to mention too immature to trust each other to keep score. Amy and Chris won, which blew. They were the worst winners, the kind who gloated endlessly.
At the end of the night, Russell and Ella shared a cab. They were going in the same direction. Her siblings, their partners and Olive were this close to giggling like teenagers and embarrassing not just themselves but her, too. She’d shaken her head at them so much, that her neck was beginning to protest. It seemed to have no effect on their childish behaviour.
“I had so much fun tonight. You guys always like that?” Russell asked as they slid into the back of the cab.
“Them? Worse. Me? An angel.” Ella replied with a laugh. She’d had so much fun. She had this laughter bubbling up in her, just itching to get out at the slightest provocation.
“I’d love to see that.” He replied, his own voice light with laughter.
“Then you should stick around.”
“About that.” He swallowed like he needed to brace himself for what was coming next. “Would you like to go out sometime?” He swallowed then added in a rush. “We can do something you like.”
Ella turned to him. He was rubbing his hands over his trousers in what she read as a nervous gesture. She’d been on two dates that had been lacklustre, to say the least, but she was putting herself out there.
“Yeah, I’d be open to that.” She said with a smile. He smiled back at her, and her heart fluttered. Yeah, she’d be very open to that. Thank you very much.
They exchanged phone numbers.
“So, what would you like to do?” He asked.
“We could ride. I love exploring the outdoors on my bike.”
“Motorbike?” He asked with slight apprehension.
She laughed. “Not that cool. Bicycle.”
“You look plenty cool, from where I sit.” He replied with an approving smile.
She found herself biting her lip, to keep herself from blushing. Was she seriously getting turned on by this?
“I do?” she finally asked.
“You do.” He replied with a firm nod.
She laughed. “Well then, let’s hope spending more time in my company does not disabuse you of that view.”
“I don’t see how that could happen.” He answered, shaking his head like the thought was bewildering. Ludicrous even.
She looked away with a smile. This would be fun if nothing else.
They dropped him off first.
“It was a genuine pleasure. Good night, Ella.”
“Good night, Russell.”
And damn, it was a good night.
**
Three weeks later, their schedules aligned, and they went out riding with a local biking group. She’d had to adjust her speed to accommodate him. He was panting and moaning about the torture she appeared intent on inflicting on him. The problem was, that he was doing it in such a humorous, self-deprecating way that she’d been laughing at him the entire way.
“Please tell me your knees are also aflame.” He begged, slouched on his bike, pedalling slowly.
“No, they’re not.” She replied with a laugh. It was the hundredth time he was complaining about his knees being on fire.
“Do you want to stop?” She asked. “You can say yes. I won’t judge you too harshly.”
“We can stop, but only if you promise to believe me when I say that this is not an accurate reflection of my stamina in other more pleasurable situations.”
She was silent, pedalling next to him.
“Come on. I swear it’s the truth. I’ll prove it to you at your most immediate convenience.”
She burst out laughing.
“How about this, I’ll believe it when I see it but for now, I’ll take your word, subject to future verification.”
“I’ll take it and verification has never sounded so appealing.” He said pulling over and getting off the bike before letting it drop like he wanted to be as far away from it as possible.
After a few minutes of rest, they started strolling while pushing their bikes towards a nearby mall where they could grab something to eat.
“Why’d you even say yes?” Ella asked with a laugh.
“Because I thought you meant normal people riding like at Karura Forest, not some Lance Armstrong challenge.” He answered feigning outrage. “If anything, you tricked me.”
“Wow Russell, accusing me of deception and mal intent on our first date. Remind me, why are you single again?”
He opened his eyes a crack, eyeing her with a smile. “Okay, the truth? I said yes cause a pretty girl asked me and I wanted to hang out with her. It’s the good ol’, tried and tested, I did it for the girl. I bought the bike because of you, and I said yes to this suicidal ride because of you.”
“You’re going to get yourself killed over a pretty girl. And then what will people say at your untimely funeral?”
“There’s worse ways to go?”
“Facts. Still, I’m not done with you, so maybe try and stick around a little longer. Don’t just do things ’cause girls ask you.”
“Noted. I have my eye on just this one pretty girl, and I really want to stick around for whatever comes next.”
They exchanged suddenly shy smiles before focusing back on the road and their slow walk. The sun was sweltering and she was sweaty and tired and she believed how much fun she was having pushing her bike around and laughing with Russell. She wouldn’t change a thing.
**
They went on more bike rides, this time taking into account his beginner status and even more dates. Her gloating sister would not shut up about the match she had orchestrated. Amy had stayed in touch with Russell to learn more about handling panic attacks so that she’d be able to help in the event that Huey had another one. She detested the helplessness she’d felt in that moment and was determined to never go through it again. They’d all taken the time to learn and fortunately, Huey was yet to have another one.
Ella and Russell were taking it slow. The last thing she wanted was to rush into things. She liked how things were going. She loved how he could laugh at himself, and didn’t feel this need to prove that he was better than her at anything. He loved the comforting warmth that radiated from her and the passion with which she faced life. Plus, her family and her cat, Pope, approved, which was high praise.
They were getting to know each other over each bike ride, each game night, and each quiet evening, they were able to steal away. Every time she looked at him, heart fluttering over how wonderful things were, she remembered her brother’s words and though she’d never tell him, they’d gotten her through.
“You’ve got to have faith, babe.”
~The End~
Check out
Sexy Cinderella It’s Almost Midnight: An African Love Story – A Maid In The City
This story first appeared on Potentash as Lonely Eyes Part 1 – Hello, Chaos!, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, part 9, part 10 and part 11.