Narcissism is a personality trait hallmarked by arrogance, selfishness and vanity. These are the types of people who view themselves as God’s gift to mankind, they are special and no one in the world even comes close. Studies show that narcissism is on the rise and it can be a product of parenting style. Here are some signs a child may be developing narcissistic tendencies and how to nip it in the bud. Here’s how to avoid raising a narcissist.
Narcissism in children
Children are often self-focused which does not necessarily point to narcissism. Some of the items in the Childhood Narcissism scale include:
- “I think it’s important to stand out.”
- “I am a very special person.”
- “It often happens that other kids get the compliments that I actually deserve.”
- “I like to think about how incredibly nice I am.”
It’s not that these children think they are great, it’s that they believe they are better and more important than everyone else. They care about adoration and the limelight more than about genuine friendships. They also have trouble putting themselves in others’ shoes.
Narcissism and parenting style
One study found that parents who overvalue their children between the ages of 7 and 11 raised children who scored higher on narcissism tests. These are parents who tell their children that they are more special than other children or that they deserve something extra in life.
This profuse praise is also often linked to performance. The child is told to feel special, made to feel special only when they have great achievements. Compliments are reserved only for the most extraordinary moments in their lives. These children end up feeling that they are loved conditionally, based on their performance.
Telling children they are special and praising them, helps develop their self-esteem. People with high self-esteem view themselves as worthy, narcissists view themselves as superior. What you want to avoid is comparing them to other children and rating those children as somewhat beneath them. They are not special because they are superior to others, they are special to you simply because they are.
The solution is not to withhold praise, but to make sure they understand that they are special and loved, regardless of whether they fail or succeed.
Tips to keep narcissism at bay
- Teach them right and wrong
Teaching your children right and wrong is one of the key goals of parenting. Doing this helps them develop a reasonable conscience.
- Set boundaries
Set reasonable limits on your child’s behaviour, especially during the first three years. Learn to recognize and discourage entitled attitudes and actions.
- Control emotions
Teach your child to temper their emotions, showing them how to express their feelings and frustrations without being overwhelmed by them. Also, teach them how to tolerate disappointment, frustration and failure.
- Love your children warts and all
No one is perfect and our children are more likely to be wonderfully ordinary and average than geniuses and the best at XYZ.
- Stick to the point with your praise
Less “Good job” and more “You really nailed that presentation and gave us something to think about.”
- Praise the present
Less “You always do such a good job” and more “You did a really great job cleaning your room today.”
- Be sparing but not a miser, with your praise
Overpraising children can make it meaningless plus the more you praise them the more they crave compliments and can begin to crave it by asking you for compliments for every little effort made. It’s important to find that balance.
- Praise what is worthy of complimenting
Don’t just offer generic praise. Think about what you’re praising. For example, rather than praising every good grade on a test even for the subjects that are easy for them, praise the effort it took to finish a particularly difficult math sheet.
- Teach the golden rule
Help them learn to check their motivations, actions and attitudes and care about other people. When they behave in insensitive ways, we can pull them aside and correct them gently and with compassion while helping them imagine other people’s feelings. Emphasize making amends rather than convincing them of their badness.
- Gentle parenting
Avoid insisting on perfection, winning and undue toughness.
A Beginner’s Guide To Gentle Parenting
Check out
Narcissism: 9 Traits Of A Narcissist
7 Signs You Were Raised By Narcissistic Parents And What You Can Do About It
Relationships: Signs Of Emotionally Abusive Parents And How To Deal With It
