They say the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. As a Luhya man, I take my food very seriously so I need a partner who knows how to cook. I don’t really care much about anything else – just be a good cook – but you’ll be surprised how hard it is to find a woman who can cook good food. Sometimes, I feel like proposing to the kibanda woman because her food is exceptional. However, I thought I had finally met my woman.
She was a new hire at the company that I worked for. I noticed her from the moment she walked in. Her swinging hips and warm smile invited me to make a move. I just had to try my luck.
“Welcome to the company,” I said after HR introduced her.
“Thank you.”
She was a woman of few words or maybe she was getting to know her environment because she quickly became the loudest person in the office. I liked how bubbly and talkative she was.
“Your name sounds like a Coastal name. Are you from that area?”
“Yes, I’m a Taita.”
“That explains a lot. I like Swahili food.”
“Yeah. It’s delicious.”
“How come you don’t carry your lunch to the office? Or don’t you know how to cook?”
She laughed revealing her beautiful dimples.
“Of course I do. I’ll bring you some food tomorrow.”
“That would be so wonderful.”
As promised, she brought both breakfast and lunch. For breakfast, she brought kaimati which she shared with me and her deskmate. We were all salivating for more after enjoying the delicious snack. During lunch, she brought us a plate of chicken biryani. As mentioned, I’m a Luhya man and we have a weakness for chicken.
It was the best food I had ever tasted in my life. She even taught me how to eat rice with my hands. I found myself falling for her more and more every day. We had lunch together every day. On some days, she brought her food. On other days, I brought my food.
Finally, I got the courage to ask her out on a date. I thought she would refuse since there were a few other men who were also interested in her. However, I must have done something right because she agreed to go out with me.
“I’d love that.” She answered.
“What do you love doing?”
“We can go watch a movie then get something to eat.”
“That sounds nice. Maybe you can cook for me at your place.”
I was joking but I hoped that she would invite me to her place.
“One day. I need to know you first.”
We met at the mall and she came dressed to kill. I couldn’t keep my eyes off her. I bought the tickets and then headed inside to watch the movie. To be honest, I’m not a huge fan of movies and almost fell asleep but I tried my best to concentrate so that I wouldn’t embarrass myself. Finally, the movie was over and I couldn’t wait to leave the place.
“Where should we go to eat?” I asked.
It was around 11 pm and most eateries were either closed or closing up. We didn’t have many options.
“We can go to my place.” She said suggestively.
I didn’t waste any time. I booked an Uber and asked her for her location. The Uber ride was rather quiet, though. I noticed that she was lost in thought and wanted to cheer her up.
“What’s wrong?” I asked her.
“Nothing. I’m just tired.”
“You don’t have to cook if you feel tired. I think I have some leftover food at my place.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll prepare something simple.”
I tried to tell her that I would come another day to eat her food but she insisted. Who was I to refuse a delicious meal cooked by a beautiful woman?
We got to her place and it looked heavenly. It smelled just as good. I made myself comfortable as she changed into a dera and headed to the kitchen. Her apartment had a closed kitchen so I couldn’t see her as she cooked. I kept busy with YouTube videos and a collection of books on her coffee table.
After 30 minutes, she came back from the kitchen carrying a plate of food. I could see the food steaming at the top and my mouth started salivating. However, when she set the food down, my mouth dried up.
I wondered what kind of food could be prepared in 30 minutes and when she placed the plate down, it made sense. She had prepared Ugali mayai. Don’t get me wrong, I love the dish and eat it a lot but I thought it was a cheat meal that men made when they didn’t have anything else to eat.
I kept an open mind since she was from the Coast and assumed she had prepared it in a special way. However, the food didn’t look appetizing at all nor did it smell good. It looked like it didn’t have any flavour.
I took one bite and couldn’t even swallow. It tasted so bad that swallowing was a problem. I looked at her and she was eating it as if it was the most delicious food she ever had.
“Sorry if this is rude but I thought you said you know how to cook.” I finally said
“Yes, what’s wrong with the food? I know it’s not biryani but it’s still sweet.”
“The Ugali is completely raw. I can see raw flour. The eggs are something else. It’s so watery. This isn’t good at all. I’m sorry.”
“Then go and eat somewhere else.”
She started getting heated and I had to leave before things took a bad turn.
The following day, I went back to work and I couldn’t wait to tell my colleagues the experience I had. They laughed at me for being deceived by her good looks.
“Don’t you know beautiful women don’t know how to cook?” One of them said.
I thought she was an exception. Besides, women from the Coast are known for their cooking skills. I started to doubt whether she was the one who prepared those delicious Swahili dishes. There was no way someone who knew how to cook like that would prepare raw Ugali and watery eggs. Then, I found out the truth. One of her close friends at work told me that she used to buy the food and she wasn’t even a full Taita. Her mother was a Kamba and she had grown up in Nairobi after her parents separated. Learning that about her explained a lot but it was such a disappointment since I thought I had found the woman of my dreams.
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