I stared at Brian as he lay on that hospital bed. It had been two weeks since the accident and here he was hooked to machines and still fighting for his life. As I held his hand, I looked back at our moments together hoping I would feel better.
Brian and I met at a bar. I had just had an argument with my wife in front of her family and she had mentioned my inability to get aroused. Something I thought we had agreed to keep a secret. Instead of responding, I felt it was safer for me to just leave and cool off. Brian was the bartender who was serving me drinks. He didn’t pay much attention to me until the alcohol kicked in and I started blabbering and crying.
I told him about my whole life story and even included what had happened that day. Brian then offered to take me home that night but I refused and so he took me to his apartment. Every time I drink, I always speak my mind and so the first question I asked was how he was able to afford to live there. I didn’t think that bartenders earned so much money.
Not only did I forget his response, but I also couldn’t even remember how we got to his apartment. The next day I woke up with the worst hangover possible. As I tried to piece together the events of the previous night, I noticed Brian who was making breakfast. His whole physique was breathtaking. His body appeared fit but not the bulging biceps kind. He had shaved all his hair but still looked good thanks to his beard.
Judging by the way he danced to the music in the background he seemed like a morning person. It was so intriguing watching him break some moves as he cooked.
“Hungry?” He asked.
“I hope he didn’t notice me staring at him. That would be very embarrassing,” I thought to myself before giving him a slight nod.
“Don’t think about it too much,” He responded before placing two plates on the table.
Staring at the plate I was stunned. The alignment of the food and the smell was so amazing. What made it even better was the fact that he brought more food to the table. Since it was his first time meeting me, he didn’t want to give me any food allergies. Sharing that meal with him was one of the first highlights of our bond.
After that day, I ended up visiting the bar more often. He was the first person I knew who never judged me and would always pay attention to me. Something I had lacked in friendships and my marriage for such a long time. As I bonded with Brian, it never occurred to me that the relationship we had developed in that short period was anything more than friendship.
He never flirted with me, which to some extent was offensive. However, I just thought he wanted to respect my marriage and me as well. Although I found him attractive, I had never outwardly expressed it. There was no point in time where we had crossed any boundary in our friendship.
What made me overthink our bond was all the jealousy I would feel whenever he would flirt with men every so often. I didn’t want him sexually or romantically yet every time he would smile at another man, I felt somehow betrayed. At one point I even ended up paying and left without saying goodbye.
“I have to find out for sure,” I thought to myself after a while and decided I would make a move on him.
I knew it wasn’t fair to my marriage but whatever it was I felt for Brian was new. Sometimes new is exciting and other times it’s scary. In this case, it was the latter since I had never imagined that I would be gay. I waited for the weekend and went to the bar. Expressing emotions was not my strong point so I took a few shots to feel confident.
Brian was always busy with customers so the only place I could talk to him was either the washroom or at his place. I didn’t have an excuse to go home with him, so the easiest choice was the washroom. So, I waited and the minute I saw him go I followed him and locked the door. This was one of the most awkward moments of my life, but I needed to know the truth.
“Are you okay?” He asked as he noticed me standing by the door.
“Yeah, I just need to confirm something,” I replied.
“Okay, but why couldn’t we do it outside?” He asked.
I opened my mouth to respond but instead pulled him towards me and kissed him. He was shocked at first but didn’t pull away. In my mind, the kiss was supposed to be short and would give me the answer I wanted. However, I couldn’t bring myself to pull away and so I embraced the moment until someone finally knocked on the door and we stopped.
Brian looked at me for a brief moment then down at my trousers and his lips formed a smile. Confused, I looked down and noticed my boner. Sober me would have been embarrassed but at that moment all I felt was relief. The thought of me being gay scared me because of Brian’s reaction. However, given his reaction to my kiss, I knew he felt the same way.
We never spoke for the rest of the night, but I found myself at that bar every weekend. Brian tried his best to avoid me until one day we found each other in the washroom again. My first thought was to apologize but before I could say a word, he pushed me against the door and kissed me. Like the first time, it felt amazing.
That kiss was enough evidence of our feelings for each other. However, Brian felt uncomfortable that I was still a married man so I promised him that I would end my marriage. A few days before his accident I had finally decided to do it. My wife didn’t take it so well and so she left with the kids while I was at work. No note, no text and no phone call.
I didn’t even care about her, all I cared about were my kids. What they would think of me if she decided to be the one to tell them. This thought stressed me out for days as I kept on calling and texting her, but she wouldn’t respond. During this time, Brian had also noticed that I wasn’t going to the bar anymore.
He called and texted but the same way my calls were being ignored was the same way I would ignore his. I just couldn’t talk to him let alone see him because deep down I blamed him for all this. If I wouldn’t have him all this wouldn’t have happened. Me being gay was so much of a burden.
Looking back at everything we had gone through I couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down my face. The what-if questions had started roaming through my mind. Holding on to his hand, I just wanted him to wake up so I could apologize for everything.
After crying and holding on to him for a while I felt his hand move. I thought I was imagining things but then his eyes moved as well.
“Brian?” I said with a relieved smile on my face.
He opened his eyes slowly and looked at me.
“You’re finally awake!” I squealed and hugged him.
“Where am I?” He asked softly.
“Let me call the doctor. I’ll be right back,” I said as I let go of his hand and walked towards the door.
“Wait, who are you?” He asked before I could make it outside.
I paused for a moment and tried my best not to cry. There was no way he could have forgotten me. I walked out quickly and went to get the doctor but before we headed back to the room, I told her what had happened. Hearing her tell me that it was normal for coma patients to have amnesia was normal broke me even more.
I sat down in the waiting area as the tears I tried so hard to fight back were now rolling down my face. I had failed as a father and now the one person who would have made me feel better had forgotten me. The only thing I had left was an empty house and a broken heart. I contemplated going to the bar but that would have driven me to drink like a maniac. Instead, I went back to my silent home and slept. My only hope was that once I woke up, it would all be a bad dream.
My Life Abroad Was A Nightmare Part 1
How I Found Out My Boyfriend Was Secretly Gay
Crossing Lines: It Didn’t Matter That She Was My Brother’s Newest Girl – I Felt An Instant Attraction To Her
Their Relationship Was Too Sweet To Let Go Of
A Public Proposal Exposed The Cracks In Their Relationship
I Finally Came Out Of The Closet
My Boyfriend’s wife Wants Me to Testify About His Abusive Nature