I am a 30-year-old virgin.
Yes, you’re reading it right. No typo. 30 years old and yes we exist.
For as long as I can remember I have always been an ambivert. I don’t mind hanging out at social gatherings but also I am so comfortable being alone that sometimes it scares me. I had my first kiss when I was pretty young; blame it on curiosity and a slightly older male playmate. But I am still a virgin when it comes to the deed itself. In my late teens and twenties, the narrative was based on purity and all that hullabaloo. I am not trying to downgrade anyone who is a virgin and is waiting for the right time. The thing is, I have been waiting for that person forever and ever and ever…
I have always wondered why it’s taking me so long to venture into this experience. I can’t come up with one answer. Have you ever googled ’30-year-old virgin?’ The results are just sad. Not the woishe – woishe kind of sad, it’s embarrassing.
Let alone settling down, I have never been in a long-term relationship. Most of my friends are getting married and having kids while I am still trying to figure out the basics. The thing is I have always been attracted to guys who are ‘not there’, unavailable so to speak.
As humans, we all crave intimacy and companionship. For me, most of the guys I am attracted to usually want the opposite and that puts me off completely. I recently landed a new job and apart from my friends whom we cleared with campo together, no one knows about this. I could carry on a conversation about being in a relationship you would think I am a guru but I am far from it. I never share this with anyone because of fear of being looked at funny or even worse, them thinking that you are weird.
I have been on dates but none of them has led to anything worth mentioning. I once went out on a blind date with this guy (those days of old-school dating websites; nimbuzz and tagged), and it turned out to be quite good, one of those 1 in a million nice dates. We had a good time and we kept in touch and went out a few more times. The guy introduced me to his supposedly ‘close’ friend. I was so naïve.
Once I felt comfortable, I opened up to him and I let the cat out of the bag… Well, he never spoke to me after that. I even found out later that he had a wife who was expectant with his second child. It was crushing. Since then it terrifies me to be rejected by a guy that I like because of something that is part of me and so intimate. I can’t seem to let anyone in, I trust no one.
I guess I should be worried about more serious matters but to me this is serious. Starting a family and having someone special to share it with is something I keep thinking about constantly. I will wait and pray to God that when it finally happens I will be glad that I waited this long.
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