You have been through a lot in the past few weeks; you know it is just stress. Days go by and you decide to take a pregnancy test. Voila, it is positive. But you have been using protection, apart from one time a few weeks ago. You start thinking, “what will I do?” Financially you can’t afford to raise a child on your own. You decide to tell him about it, he needs to know after all. When you tell him, he goes into shock mode. These things happen, but then he says “If I am not ready for commitment, how can I be ready to raise a child?”
You go in shock; all you hear “get rid of it … I will pay for it”. You question your sanity. Are you going crazy? Are you hearing things? Because this can’t be real! You go back home, with tears streaming down your face. You blame yourself. You should have known this guy is not responsible. But you thought he was different. Honestly, you couldn’t afford to raise a child on your own and your family is very conservative, religiously so. After a few days of crying and heartbreak, trying to weight the options of keeping the baby and raising it, you realize you are not ready for this responsibility. So you call him and agree to his proposal. He gives you the money. You already feel like a murderer.
That night you have a vivid dream of you screaming while your hands are full of blood. You wake up crying hysterically. Is it the right decision? How are you going to live with yourself? It will haunt you all the time. The other choice is not acceptable in your family. Your emotions are running wild; you are confused and all alone. You decide to tell your best friend, she will be there for you.
She understands and supports you in your decision. You search for a clinic that will do the procedure. You are directed to a dingy place that is dark and scary. It feels like your heart. Your stomach churns from all the horrible smells, you hold your stomach to stop yourself from vomiting but then you remember why you are there. You fold your arms and pay the reception the cash. She tells you, it will take 20 minutes to one hour then you can go home. You hold your tears; as you battle your emotions. Your heart is battling your head over the right thing to do. Your thoughts are interrupted by an old woman in a white gown full of blood. You follow her into a room. She gives you something to take; you don’t remember anything after that. You just remember waking up in excruciating pain. She gives you water and tells you to go wait in another room till you feel fine to go home. You friend holds your hand as you take those few steps; you wish the earth could open up and swallow you.
Its 8 pm, you are holding a hot cup of tea that your friend has made for you. You see a text message, “did you do it?” You continue drinking your tea and keep ignoring the incoming calls. Thirty minutes later, a soft knock on the door. Your friend opens the door. He is just standing there then he asks if you are in, and she says yes and lets him in. He greets you with a peck on the cheek. His eyes full of questions, you continue to keep quiet. He asks you the question, your tears start streaming down. He has an answer; he tells you it is going to be ok. He says, “We will get through it!” You look at him to make sure you heard right? “We” since when? After that all you remember is you yelling and telling him to leave and you don’t want to see him ever again. All the anger you suppressed the few days all come out.
The next few months you take to heal. It takes you a long time to finally forgive yourself. Your trust is gone. You think every man who asks you out is going to be the same. You try to date, but you let trust issues ruin it. Every step seems like a motive to take advantage of you. You let go of relationships if it seems like the one that changed you. You try to imagine if you will ever heal and ever trust again. Maybe one day you will!
***Single lady in Nairobi is a collection of real-life stories and opinions from different women. It looks at the current world of dating in Kenya and experiences that ladies have gone through. The views and opinions expressed here are those of the contributors and do not necessarily represent or reflect the views of Potentash.com.
The singlehood series is a collection of real-life stories and opinions from different people. It looks at the current world of dating around the world and the experiences that people have gone through.