When discussions about real lovers pop up on social media, the consensus is that one is either a real lover or not. I think humans are complex, and it’s not always a ‘this or that’ situation. Dating Ron made me realise love can exist alongside loneliness.
When I thought about Ron, I mostly had positive things to say about him. He had this energy around him that made you feel safe. It felt like everything was handled when he was around. He was thoughtful when you were together. It felt different when we were apart.
It wasn’t because I thought he was doing anything shady. On the contrary, while I know better than to swear by a man’s fidelity, I didn’t doubt Ron’s faithfulness. I, however, felt a disconnect. I came from a school of thought where constant conversations about everything led to a deeper connection. I’m a certified ‘yapper’; I could make conversation about just about anything. Now, I didn’t expect him to be like him, but I had hoped he would understand how conversations about seemingly mundane stuff revealed a lot about a person.
Ron preferred face-to-face conversations, which was problematic because we worked in different cities. Even if we had lived in the same city, it would have been impossible to meet daily unless we lived together. He hated texting, and his busy schedule limited the length of conversations. I was busy, too, but that didn’t stop me from texting. I didn’t expect him to get good at it suddenly, but I needed to see some effort.
He tried—at least he did for a while, and then he went back to his comfort zone. I never doubted his love for me, but I could see how communicating regularly on the phone seemed like a chore to him. I didn’t want talking to me to feel like a task.
We made an effort to meet more frequently, which helped strengthen our connection. However, it wasn’t possible to meet as much during busy periods. I gradually found that my friends, even some I had met after Ron, knew more about what was going on in my life than Ron.
Do you know those friendships where you have many inside jokes arising from silly, unremarkable events? I wanted to have that with my boyfriend. With Ron, I had that with other people and not him. He knew about the significant things because, naturally, such things make it to the highlights, but I felt we missed out on each other’s small moments.
“I don’t understand what you think I’m keeping from you,” Ron told me when I brought it up.
“I don’t think you’re intentionally keeping things from me,” I told him.
“But that’s just how I am. We’re good, babe,” said Ron.
It’s difficult to get past ‘that’s how I am’ because did I want him to change who he was? I tried not to fixate on the disconnect I felt because the moments we spent together felt great. We went on interesting dates. We shared a love for food, wine, whiskey, cooking and travelling. Each time we did something together, I momentarily forgot that I had an unmet need until we were apart, and the issue surfaced again.
Soon, the small missed moments became big moments. I would mention something that I thought I had told him, and he would have no idea what I was talking about. I would then realise that I had had that conversation with someone else whom I had been chatting with when the ‘small’ event took place.
It hit home when I was out on a date with Ron and a small lizard appeared from nowhere. I hated lizards, and I had one terrorise me in my house for about two weeks. It would appear on my kitchen floor when I least expected it. So, I kept the kitchen lights on almost all the time and made sure to stay in slippers while going to the kitchen out of fear that I could step on it.
I mentioned that to a friend of mine, and we had a good laugh about it. We even named the lizard Houdini because it appeared and disappeared like a magician. Then, at the end of the second week, I realised that I was living in anxiety over something I could solve. I wouldn’t kill it; it still felt like this giant elephant, but I could get it out of the house. So, the next time I saw it, I dragged it out using the mop. I carefully removed all obstacles from its path outside the house, quickly shut the door, and left the mop outside.
That event led to a conversation with my friend about my anxiety. When the lizard appeared during my date with Ron, I quickly said, “Houdini.” He didn’t get it, and I had to explain. At that moment, I realized I couldn’t continue the relationship. I knew what he was missing out on in my life, but I had no idea what I didn’t know about him. We were different people who had convergent ideas on intimacy despite loving each other.
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