I was tired of taking Ls in my dating life. I’d had my fair share of heartbreaks. I could write an anthology about men breadcrumbing and ghosting me, and that was when they were not lying or stealing something from me. You know, men. They’re always taking away your joy, peace, and smiles. Sometimes, they even steal your opportunities and money.
Determined to change the tide, I sought out advice. Fortunately or unfortunately, there’s no shortage of dating advice in today’s world. I took my pen and notebook and explored ways to improve my dating life. Through the process, I identified some of my mistakes. One of my mistakes was that I focused intensely on one man, even when they hadn’t declared any serious intentions.
I remember seeing somewhere that men keep their options open. They have a few women in mind. That way, they ‘hedge their investment’. This idea wowed me. It made a lot of sense. It was like having backup options if one failed. I decided that was going to be my strategy. I was ready to get back into the dating ring.
I got into talking stages with three different guys. The first one was David. He was the intense kind. When David focused on you, you felt like you could conquer the world. He was attentive. He quickly learned the things I liked, disliked and even those I couldn’t decide. I felt seen. He made everything about me a big deal. Or at least he did when he was available. He would also vanish for a few days and reappear like he had just pressed pause on a movie.
While it bothered me, I didn’t give it as much thought as I would have because there was Lee and Omosh. Lee was soft-spoken. He was practical and consistent. He was focused on forming a strong friendship before intensifying his romantic efforts with me. I liked that he was easy to talk to. It wasn’t the electrifying kind of connection that I had with David, but it felt safe. I could depend on it.
Omosh was funny. There was never a dull moment when I talked to Omosh. You know what they say about funny guys winning over women’s hearts. Omosh brought out the inner child in me. I felt free and light, as though I had permission to live in the moment or dream as wildly as possible when interacting with Omosh. However, I knew he was seeing other people.
At first, it felt good to interact with all three. Each gave me something that I treasured. However, that feeling changed. It started feeling messy. As I continued interacting with David, Lee and Omosh, the interactions got more serious. It began to feel like I was juggling three boyfriends. I owed them no allegiance, yet it felt like I was betraying them. There were no commitments or clear conversations about exclusivity at this point, but it felt like the natural progression of things.
I had come from assuming that kind of progression in my previous relationships, and I had often found that the men involved felt different. When handling David, Lee and Omosh, I tried convincing myself that I was doing what men do. I was torn because I couldn’t decide whether my feelings of discomfort stemmed from past habits, and yet, trying out this different approach felt wrong.
I also felt like I was playing cat and mouse. Although these men were different in many ways, some conversations felt similar. I got tired of talking about my day’s events with two or three people. Sometimes, I lost track of the conversation topics I had covered with either of them.
Finding time to hang out with all of them also became an issue. Logically, I wasn’t doing anything wrong by hanging out with all three. Still, somehow, I found myself factoring in the chances of bumping into the other two when choosing places to visit and activities.
I was supposed to be having fun and exploring my options, but it felt overwhelming. I started retreating, and suddenly, none of the relationships felt fulfilling. I stopped feeling flattered by the attention I was getting and instead felt obligated to all of them.
After battling with my feelings and thoughts, I decided to narrow down to one of them. I made a pros and cons list for the three of them. It became clear that my approach to relationships went beyond ticking boxes. Lee ticked most of the pros’ boxes, yet I felt the least excited about him. David had the most cons, but I liked him the most. However, I could also see how he had the same traits as the men who had broken my heart.
It was easy to cancel Omosh because I knew he saw other people. I knew I had double standards since I was doing the same thing, but it bothered me. I couldn’t tell why because it wasn’t jealousy that I felt.
Not surprisingly, my interactions with the three guys ended. It was a mixture of ghosting and a slow fizzle, taking longer to respond to messages and eventually not replying. My first reaction was a feeling of loss. It felt like I had failed at dating again because even with three potential candidates, I didn’t end up with any of them. Then, I realised I felt calm and peaceful after the interactions ended because that approach didn’t work for me.
I learnt that even with well-intentioned advice, it’s important to stay true to oneself. I don’t know whether the approach failed because of my personality, or maybe it’s hard for most people, but I hated the feeling of juggling between people. For now, I am taking the time to learn the rules of dating.
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