When you ask many couples who’ve been together for a long time the key to their longevity, they will most likely answer that love conquers everything. They will share that they compromised, stuck to each other through thick and thin, and eventually they made it to the other side. This is especially prevalent among women who believe that no matter what their man puts them through, there will be some kind of reward when the man finally stops acting up. Struggle love is a phenomenon where people believe that enduring emotional turmoil in a relationship is just part of romance. “Trust the process” and eventually the struggling shall inherit the kingdom of happily ever after.
There is a difference between having to endure uncontrollable issues like financial insecurity or illness, and surviving emotional stress from your partner. Struggle love is problematic because it excuses toxic behaviour as growing pains.
Many famous couples have demonstrated this. A commitment to longevity rather than personal well-being. TI and Tiny where TI posted a birthday message in 2017 that they have a “relationship that supersedes fidelity, physical presence, or any other disagreement we may have faced. This came in the wake of cheating and abuse allegations. Khloe Kardashian also stayed with Tristan Thompson after cheating allegations. Beyonce stayed with Jay Z, chronicling in her Lemonade album how much he took her for granted and that he cheated on her. Khloe and Tristan broke up but Jay Z, Beyonce, TI, and Tiny stayed with their partners. They were praised and admired for staying together. #CoupleGoals.
Why do we stay in struggle love relationships?
According to USA Today, struggle love is a form of trauma bonding. It’s an attachment that forms due to neglect or abuse. You stay in the struggle, excuse their behaviour for the privilege of saying you’ve been through so much together. The phenomenon especially affects Black women because of the strong Black woman stereotype. Black women are encouraged to stay strong and endure mistreatment in a relationship because eventually, their partner will appreciate how much abuse they can handle. Relationships: On Men Hating Their Partners And Signs Your Man Hates You
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People also stay in struggle love relationships because they don’t know better examples of healthy relationships. High-conflict romance is seen as exciting in pop culture. Being a “ride or die” is a virtue.
In addition, people stay in struggle love relationships because of a deep connection with their partner. The longer you’ve been together, the harder it is to walk away. Unsurprisingly, you’ll have bonded after being through a lot together, and the idea of leaving them fills you with pain. Loving someone isn’t reason enough to stay in a troubling relationship. However, it’s likely the main cause.
Another reason could be the fear of loneliness that comes after leaving a partner you’ve been with for so long. In a struggle love situation, your partner isn’t downright abusive so there’s no urgent need to leave. All they do is lie, cheat, steal, and make you question your self-worth but there are moments where they show how much they love and need you. And more than anything, we always want to feel useful. Losing the “reward” that comes with a love you have to work for can make you feel hollow. And so, you stay beside a partner who takes you for granted.
There is societal value in mentioning how long you’ve been with a partner. Everyone praises couples who’ve managed to stay together through all kinds of trials and tribulations, especially when some of them include failures of moral character like cheating. It’s seen as an accomplishment when you have been with someone for six, ten, or fifteen years. It can also be intimidating to find another relationship that lasts as long.
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Signs of struggle love
The fighting that comes with struggle love relationships can make you think that your partner is worth staying for. Struggle love relationships have the following signs:
- You constantly need to negotiate to get your emotional needs met.
- Your partner withholds love and affection to make you feel like you need to work harder to earn the same from them.
- Your partner disrespects your emotions and belittles your relationship by flirting with other people.
- You take on multiple duties like cheerleader, parent, friend, therapist, investor, or punching bag without any mutual benefit or respect. The Red Flags To Watch For That Show Your Partner Is Using You
- Your partner makes you feel insecure.
- They turn you into a fixer where you have to work to improve their lives but they provide no reciprocal support.
- They make you beg for anything, including sex or recognition of special days like birthdays or anniversaries.
- They make you feel silly for caring about their birthdays, anniversaries, or any accomplishments.
- Your partner mocks your thoughtfulness.
- They love bomb you when they feel like you’re pulling away. Love Bombing: Signs, Reasons And Solutions
- They keep secrets and only drip-feed information to keep you satisfied.
These actions can make you feel like you’re working hard to attain love. And eventually, you can get addicted to the pain that comes with keeping your partner. When they show you that seasonal love and affection, you think you’ve earned something and it’s made you stronger. The anxiety and stress that comes from such a relationship can be extremely damaging to your mental and physical health.
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How to stop struggle love
If you’re in a struggle love relationship, you may find it hard to see that you’re in one. Once you recognise it, you need to get out of such a relationship. Don’t try to change your partner or think things will improve. You can’t love someone into changing for you.
When your partner exhibits behaviours that make your relationship feel like heavy emotional labour, it’s time to leave. If you’re in doubt, look at the relationships and friendships of people who have mutual love and respect. Once you’re out of a struggle love relationship, don’t fall into the same cycles.
Start by establishing boundaries. Have standards that your partner should meet like good communication, affirming their feelings for you, and not making you shoulder the burden of improving their lives. Don’t look at the length of your relationship as the only achievement. Look at it from how much you care for each other, how they’ve supported you, and how they make you feel loved. Look for partners who want to be with you and have done the labour required to be in a committed relationship. Those who respect and are appreciative of your time. Refuse to settle for less. You deserve a love that doesn’t make you struggle.
Check out:
9 Major Signs That Your Partner Doesn’t Love You Anymore
Relationships: Signs You Are Dating An Immature Person
Relationships: Signs That You Are Dating The Wrong Person
Yellow Flags In Relationships: Examples And How To Handle Them
How To Pace A New Relationship
Is It Wrong To Stay? My Thoughts On Unfaithful Relationships
