“What is the bravest thing you’ve ever said?” asked the boy.
“Help.” said the horse. Charlie Mackesy wrote this in his children’s book The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse. Asking for help is one of the most rewarding things you can do. Not only do you get to reduce your burden, you also get to experience relational benefits. Often you find it easier to offer help but can’t ask others for assistance.
Why you struggle to ask for help
According to SELF.com, Stanford University conducted a study to find out why people find it difficult to ask for help. These are the reasons they found.
1. You’re worried about inconveniencing others
When you ask others for assistance, you may need them to change their schedule to accommodate you. The bigger the need, the more demanding it feels. For example, if you lost your job and needed a place to stay, you’d take a while before reaching out to your loved ones. This is because you don’t want to overestimate how much it would cost to host you. Getting people to disrupt the time, finances, effort, or schedule just for you feels very selfish.
2. Fear of rejection
By the time you need to ask for help, you feel extremely vulnerable. If you ask for assistance and get rejected, it can be devastating. Imagine you’re at school and struggling with a specific subject matter (mine was Calculus) and you ask your lecturer for extra material or teaching and they brush you off. It’s easy to conclude that they feel like you’re not worth helping even though the reason they are unable to assist is that they have a busy schedule. Asking to form a study group that no one signs up for can feel like a double rejection—your peers aren’t struggling with the coursework like you are, and none of them think to help you. No one wants to risk feeling that hollow so you end up not asking anyone. How To Handle Rejection
3. Independence
Modern life rewards independence more than community. This is especially true for men who are conditioned to believe that they should handle all their problems alone. This is a by-product of toxic masculinity. Life in cosmopolitan areas also has no room for community. Blocks of flats don’t create opportunities for neighbours to get to know each other. People are constantly working and never have time to be social. Being independent and known as someone who solves their problems is also praised more by parents, siblings, friends or on social media. Being a “low maintenance” person makes you appear more valuable.
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4. Selflessness
This affects even people who live in areas with a sense of community. Even if they’re conditioned to ask for help when they need it, they’re less likely to do it because they don’t want to put their needs before others. Asking for assistance feels like you want your problems to be prioritised over other people’s lives. For instance, if you need a top-up to cover your rent, you need to ask a friend for a loan or your finance department for an advance. This means other people have to make changes to their budgets to cover you. This can cause undue stress, making you feel like you’re making them centre you rather than what they need to focus on.
How to get better at asking for help
Lack of social support can lead to burnout, anxiety, depression, and loneliness. But you don’t have to go it alone, at any point. Most people are willing to help. If you were struggling silently and told your closest friends, they’d be disappointed that you felt you couldn’t reach out to them. There are several practical ways to get more comfortable with asking for help.
1. Make it a habit
Like most positive changes, you have to start by making it a habit. Practice with small things like asking a stranger to help you lift something, or asking a neighbour to watch out for a delivery package for you if you’re out. With a neighbour, this creates a bond of trust where they know they can also reach out to you if they need assistance. When you start with small stuff, you can eventually find it easier to ask for help.
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2. Remember people want to help
Many people feel rewarded by acts of service, even introverts. In addition, acts of service boost self-esteem, increase feelings of happiness, lower stress levels, and improve blood pressure. When your loved ones call you asking for something only you can help with, doesn’t it feel rewarding? That’s how they’ll feel when you ask.
3. Follow the SMART criteria.
Make SMART requests. When asking for help, make sure your requests are Specific, Meaningful, Action-oriented, Realistic, and Time-bound. Before you reach out for assistance, know exactly what you need, why you need it, how it can be offered, that the person can perform the tasks, and when you need the assistance. This increases the chances of you getting support. It also ensures that those you’re asking don’t feel overwhelmed. This is especially helpful at work, or school.
4. Set an example
Let your loved ones know that you’re a safe space whenever they need assistance. They can also know that you would be willing to help and if you can’t, you can help them find another solution. You can also do this in work environments or school. If you see a classmate falling ill but can’t concentrate, offer to take notes for them. When you’re taking a lunch break at work, ask your coworkers if they want anything when you’re out. As they see how easy it is for them to reach out for help, you can also find it easier to ask. If they don’t offer to help when you ask, you can scale back how far you’re willing to go on a limb for them.
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5. Inquire why you’re rejected
Sometimes people say no, not because they’re selfish, but because they couldn’t help. For instance, if you asked a parent for a loan to start a business and they said no, it can be easy to assume they just don’t believe in you. Perhaps the reason is because they don’t have any money and don’t want to risk more debt. Sometimes your timing is the problem. Or the person isn’t equipped to help you. Instead of taking it personally, explore why your request was rejected. Your parent may be unable to help fund your business idea but if you have a solid business plan, they can help link you with an investor or guide you through getting a bank loan.
6. Talk to a mental health professional
The fear of asking for help can feel chronic. If asking for assistance feels you with anxiety or makes you spiral, you may need to talk to a therapist. This can help you figure out why you can’t ask for help and change your behaviours to make it easier for you. Asking for help from your therapist can also feel overwhelming but at least you’re paying for a medical service, so it doesn’t feel the same as asking friends for help.
Read more on how to help others:
7 Acts Of Kindness To Practice In Your Relationship
Ways To Support A New Mum In Your Life
6 Ways To Support Your Single Friends (And Family) Throughout The Years
8 Ways To Help Someone Struggling With Addiction
Wellness: Stroke Types And Tips To Help Somebody Recovering From A Stroke
6 Ways To Be A Better Friend To Someone With A Disability
Mental Health: 7 Ways You Can Help A Friend Going Through Depression
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