You’ll wake up one day a decade later staring down at his coffin in disdain. The anger will be so palpable that you will momentarily ignore his yelling relatives who blame you for his death. You will readjust your shades to hide your rolling eyes, a reaction to the searing looks from your dead husband’s family. A few years earlier, you would have cared about their opinion and wanted to explain, but that marriage took that away- yet another thing it took away from you. The only part of your heart that’s not ice cold is reserved for your children. They are the only reason you attended the funeral.
As you sit beside your two children, stretching out your arms to comfort them, you will ponder over your life with that man who became a familiar stranger. He came into your life unexpectedly and left the same way- twice. The first time he left was in your third year of marriage when he lost his job, and the second was when he took his life a week and a half ago. You didn’t see it coming like you didn’t see him coming into your life ten years ago.
You had gone to watch your favourite musician’s live performance at a concert. It was your first solo concert, and you were a bit scared, a constant feeling for any woman going anywhere alone. But that wasn’t going to stop you from having a good time. He walked up to you from behind as you made space for the guy dancing vigorously in front of you. You had two open beer bottles in your hand, an umbrella and a clutch purse under your armpit.
“Why would they make you carry everything?” He asked.
“Oh, they didn’t. They are all mine,” you responded.
“In that case, hi, I’m Mark, an addiction counsellor and here’s my card,” he joked. You both laughed. That was the start of many days filled with laughter.
You shared many common interests, and the conversations flowed like you had known each other for a long time. Asked what attracted you to him, without any hesitation, your answer was always his humour and your conversations. You imagined laughing with him into your sunset years. But, laughter in your house started dwindling three years after you got married.
Mark came home one evening looking gloomy. He had been working for an international firm looking to close shop in the country and was now jobless. After having the twins two years earlier, you took a step back from your career to care for them. Mark was making good money, so it seemed like a good decision. Besides the usual sadness of job loss, you were both hopeful that Mark would find another job. However, you were always more pragmatic than Mark, so you also started sending out your CV. You had some savings on your own, and so did Mark, so you thought you could weather the situation for a few months. That was when the cracks started showing.
Mark had always been a bit of a spendthrift, and while you had always voiced concerns, its impact wasn’t significant because he was raking in money. The fights started when you suggested changing your lifestyle to stretch your savings. Downgrading for Mark was a more challenging task than it was for you. Ever the optimist, Mark strongly believed his fortunes would take a turn for the better sooner rather than later.
Three months went by without any job offer. Then one day, a friend who knew of your job hunt notified you of a job vacancy at their firm. Fortunately, with your friend’s help, you got the job. There was now one guaranteed income in your household. You were happy and thought Mark would feel a bit of relief too.
“Babe, I have good news,” you told Mark.
“We sure could use that. What happened?” Mark asked.
“I got the job. They’re starting me off at 65,000 net and there’s room for growth. It’s not what you were making but it could fill the gaps before you get something.”
“Oh, I’m happy for you,” Mark responded, but you didn’t see any relief or happiness on his face.
Months went by, but Mark still had no luck. You watched as the man you once knew disappeared gradually. Instead of the income from the job remaining the blessing it was supposed to be, it soon became a pain point in your marriage. Mark began feeling emasculated because he couldn’t provide for his family. You tried having a joint account where he could also withdraw money when he needed it as he looked for a profitable venture or job, whichever came first, but you soon realized this was a mistake because he misused the funds.
At first, you tried having a civil conversation, careful not to make it sound like he was squandering ‘your’ money, but his responses led you to make it clear to him that you were the one ensuring the lights were on in the household. Determined to salvage the situation, you suggested going for therapy. It was evident that the differences in your personalities and ways of handling diversity were making your lives miserable, and you needed help, but Mark didn’t believe in therapy. “A ‘true African man’ doesn’t need to talk to a stranger about his problems,” he said.
Desperate for help, you suggested to him that you should ask for help from family. Ashamed of facing his in-laws while broke, you agreed only to involve his family, a decision you soon regretted. The meeting turned into a reporting session where Mark told his family that you were disrespecting him because you now earned more money. He even suggested that you treated him like a child to whom you gave pocket money because you revoked his access to the joint account. Your side of the story didn’t matter.
Soon after, you noticed his infidelity, which he justified as a response to your disrespect. Every night you prayed for him to get a job so that maybe, things could change. You funded some of his failed ventures for three years while his family supported the rest. You were raised to value family and gave everything to ensure yours didn’t break. No cost was too high to ensure your kids were together with their father, and you remained the devoted wife.
At this moment, as the funeral proceedings went on, you became aware that the only thing your decision achieved was that your kids and their father sometimes slept under the same roof. He stopped being a present father a while back. Playing the devoted wife to a man battling his demons only sucked your life out. His infidelity made you question yourself repeatedly. For a long time, you blamed yourself for his reaction. Maybe you could have better communicated the need to tighten your belt; perhaps you could have involved outside help cleverly like a wise woman is supposed to, you told yourself. Your failures as a wife must have pushed him into the arms of women who ‘appreciated’ him more.
You curtailed your career ambitions so that it didn’t appear like you were rubbing it in his face. Slowly you forgot what made you happy as a person because how could you seek happiness when everything was against your husband? Finally, Mark got a job. You were hopeful that things would improve, but Mark decided to take the opportunity to ‘get back at you’ for allegedly humiliating him while he was down.
The number of women increased. He also treated the kids to grand gestures of affection, which would have been okay, except that it was always followed by comments comparing what mummy and daddy were doing for them. Your resilience and devotion to your marriage and family yielded different results than expected. You lived in limbo, wanting to end it, but unsure about leaving.
At work, one of your clients has become a good friend. He made you laugh every once in a while. You experienced a feeling that you hadn’t in a long time- you felt desirable. The attention made you feel seen. It reminded you of a part of you that had been unattended for years. But, the idea of cheating felt so wrong. The thought lingered for a while, and you finally found a logical justification to cross that line. You had remained faithful to Mark when he was down, but he failed to acknowledge your efforts when things got better for him. Kicking a man while down would have been cruel, but you could be a bit selfish now. You gave Mark this explanation when he found out about your affair.
Mark’s fortune soon changed again, and he lost his job. Unable to endure the loss again, he decided to end his life. Vehicular suicide was the official cause of death. Sitting there listening to speakers talk about Mark elicits so many feelings that you have bottled up for many years. Anger is the prominent feeling. You are angry that life had been unkind to him, to you, angry that he didn’t do better, angry that you didn’t make different choices and angry that you ignored your differences while dating.
One of your children breaks down in tears, and you get off your anger train, and it dawns on you that you need to resolve all those feelings for the sake of your children. At that moment, it occurs to you that the familiar stranger who caused you immense pain also left you with something beautiful; your children.
Also, check out other stories
My Wife Mocked Me Because I Lost My Job Which Led To A Divorce
The Church Affair That Ruined My Children’s Lives
He Came Home To An Empty House After Four Years Of Marriage
