When asked what advice she would give herself as a young woman, a 101-year-old woman said, “To never marry.” She went on to say she was free to pursue the life she wanted after her two husbands and her father died and she was no longer defined by someone else’s name. This spiked discussions online because this appears to be increasingly common advice from older women to younger women. My own grandmother before she passed away told one of my female cousins not to be in a rush to get married, adding that men are not good people which is basically how an old woman says men are trash. Let’s talk about why old women keep advising younger women not to get married.
“The advice I would give to myself as a young woman is to never marry.” pic.twitter.com/dVdAlvlfCi
— Charlie's Toolbox (@charliestoolbox) April 7, 2023
Domestic labour
Women’s contribution to the heterosexual union is often grossly undervalued especially when the man is the primary breadwinner. These contributions often include but are not limited to domestic labour most of which falls on women in heterosexual relationships. One of the most interesting things to come out about housework is the fact that married women with children do more housework than single mothers with the same number of children. Men are just extra labour, labour that is unappreciated to boot. Anyone who does housework regularly knows there’s little that is as stressful as doing it daily which explains why married women with children are one of the unhappiest demographics.
Patriarchy and power
The old woman said when both of her husbands died and her father too, she was no longer defined by someone else’s name. She was free to be whatever she wanted to be without being held back by the power men hold over women in a patriarchal society. One of the reasons why women in heterosexual relationships do more housework is because there’s a pressure to perform patriarchal gender roles when partnered with men. There’s just a power imbalance that creeps in when women are partnered with men and it can look like having your actions controlled or things like not having your opinions and views taken into consideration when decisions are made. If the only person making decisions is you, then you are free to live your life as you wish.
Marriage as an institution
Yes, individuals marry each other but they do so under this institution that is centuries old and founded on misogyny. All around us, real-life couples and even fictional ones in media perform what this institution demands and people consciously and subconsciously perform it in their lives. People perform gender roles, take the man’s last name and wear white to the wedding, all without thinking it through. It’s just the way things are done. The way things are done is often limiting to women, restricting their autonomy and requiring great sacrifices from women with little reciprocation from men. Societal expectations demand everything from women, putting the burden of success on them in a way it does not with men. Old women are recognizing that as an institution, marriage does not serve women and if anything, only holds them back. The old woman said she realized she could have done everything she wanted without a man.
Only benefits men
One of the biggest indicators of disparities in the fulfilment of couples in marriage is how old women advise against marriage while old men advise men to get married and spend more time with their families. Research consistently shows that marriage disproportionately benefits men. Married men are healthier, wealthier and happier than their single counterparts. Meanwhile, the only way marriage benefits women is financially. Even worse, divorced men and married women have the highest rates of suicide. So there’s that.
I think what’s fascinating is, a man her age would encourage young men to find the one and settle down. But almost always, older women tell us to either wait as long as possible or never marry at all. https://t.co/mhKzZRw033
— TheLastLibra🥂 (@BrenikaB_) April 10, 2023
One thing an older woman gonna do is warn you against marriage 😭 https://t.co/tHHzyL4Mlf
— Alicia Marie (@JuiceeBrucey) April 9, 2023
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