I have been doing the Simama course which is part of Mavuno’s bible study series. We have been dealing with our issues including forgiving others for wrongs that they have done to us or perceived wrongs. Last week I realized that I had finally gotten over the bitterness of heartbreak. I had forgiven the Ex but I was still in some way carrying it around with me. Last week I realized I am finally completely over heartbreak and I am ready to move on with my life.
The thing is I am finally over heartbreak but I still think there are so many ways I need to develop before entering another relationship. Being single is lonely and sometimes you are tempted to date so that you don’t feel so alone. But I know that there is still a long journey infront of me. I lost my identity at some point in that relationship; becoming more of the person he wanted then the person I was supposed to be. I have to retrace my steps and ask the questions: Who am I? What I want? Where do I want to go with my life? I needed to do a 360 degree evaluation and change my life.
There are things I need to work on. Getting my self esteem back to where it needs to be. It took a battering I tell you. A breakup can make you doubt yourself. I need to work at being healthy. I started exercising today. I had let myself go and I have added weight. For me food is a drug. It has always been one of my main pain suppressant especially chocolate.
I need to be able to be happy single because if I get into a relationship for the wrong reasons I will be unhappy and affect the relationship. That is not to say that I am not happy. I am happy. But I need to learn how to be happily single and not use a relationship as a crutch against the cold world.
The thing is in Simama we are learning to deal with our issues, physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual, psychological, family etc. The thing is we need to be able to stand up and not let our issues drive us away from God and the wonderful plan he has from us. By dealing with the issues that stop us from getting the best we can out of life, we are able to move on to a more fulfilling life.
I would like to date but I know I am not ready. I need to grow and I am. I can finally say that I can see clearly now. This would not have happened if I didn’t give my pain and heartbreak to God. He has healed me in ways I never thought possible and it is a continuous process. To be able to think about somebody without feeling hurt and betrayed is a beautiful process. I am still very cynical about the whole love thing, it has burnt me, and I am not sure I want to go into that volcano. For now I am watching it from afar.
Simama is a great bible study. It deals with the person holistically which is something I love about it. People have been wounded in so many ways by so many people. Sometimes we are the ones who have inflicted the hurt. How do we go forward when we have not dealt with our issues? I am learning to deal with issues I thought I had left behind but you would be surprised the kind of things that come up in conversations.
I am learning, stretching and growing. One day I know I may be ready to try that relationship apple. But for now let me learn to Simama (stand).
On Friday we watched the Family that Preys as our movie. There was a song that summarizes well what Simama is about.
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you’ll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance, I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they’re worth taking
Lovin’ might be a mistake but it’s worth making
Don’t let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out, reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance