Elaine
The doorbell rang cutting into the silence. They shared a look.
“I can’t.” She dragged out playing up her exhaustion.
He shook his head, dragging himself off the couch. He paid the delivery guy and the smell of fries filled their small living room. He brought plates and plastic cups for juice then sat next to her on their only couch.
“Thanks, baby.” She said pouring one packet onto her plate and digging in. He realized he’d forgotten the tomato sauce and went to get the bottle.
They ate in relative silence, the TV playing what was left of their Saturday cleaning playlist. This was their Saturday routine, spend the morning cleaning the house and the evening lazing on the couch eating cheap fast food and bitching about whatever TV show they were watching.
“Holy shit!”
“What?”
Zachary handed her his phone, pointing at the screen like an over-hyped child. Elaine peered at the screen. One unopened email. The email.
She turned to him. “Holy shit.”
She handed the phone back, he took it, a slight tremor visible.
He took a deep breath and clicked the screen. “Holy shit,” he breathed out, voice low.
She grabbed the phone. “Holy shit.”
She turned to see him, head in his hands. She wrapped him in a hug. “You did it, baby.”
He turned to her, hugging her tight. “I can’t believe it.”
Elaine buried her face in his chest, afraid to look in his eyes. She couldn’t believe it either and she wasn’t quite sure yet how she felt about all of it. She worked to control her breaths. “You did it.” She whispered on his chest, kissing his neck, just below his Adam’s apple.
He pulled back, looking into her eyes. “Thank you so much for encouraging me to do it.”
He enveloped her in another tight hug.
One Month Later
Zachary
Zachary couldn’t stop smiling. He was nervous as hell but couldn’t stop smiling. He paced the apartment checking and counter-checking everything. His stars were more aligned than they’d ever been. It was both exciting and scary.
He’d spent what felt like every minute of the last month that he wasn’t at work running up and down collecting required documentation. He now had everything he needed, all that was left was vaccinations. He’d pay for the vaccinations after he got his December salary.
He had been accepted to a prestigious two-year young professionals’ program in Germany. Elaine had told him to apply, and encouraged him to do it when he’d said the odds were too slim. His brother had gone to Germany through the same program six years before and was currently established and living there. His brother had always been the top student, the most ambitious person in any room, so it made sense that he got it. Zachary still couldn’t figure out how his average student ass had been accepted. When he’d kept sailing through to the next application step, they’d discussed it and they’d agreed she’d join him on the off chance that he got it. University there was free and Elaine had long wanted to change careers. She couldn’t afford to do it here, but she’d be able to do it there with him working to support them. He was so excited he could barely stand it. Their dreams were somehow coming true. Some days he woke up and couldn’t believe it was happening. This was his life now. Unbelievable.
Elaine
Elaine stopped at the parking lot, chest sinking when she saw the lights on in their apartment. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to see him, she just wanted a minute to herself and it felt like nowhere was safe from people. Working in customer service at a restaurant did not exactly provide moments of silence, certainly not during the holiday period. Every day was a busy day. For the life of her, she couldn’t figure out where their clients were getting money from when what seemed like the majority of the country was two steps away from rationing meals.
She wanted to see him, of course, she did, she also just wanted one week of silence.
She shook off her funk and rang the doorbell. He opened the door with a huge smell and was immediately followed by a delicious scent.
She smiled, “What are you making? Smells deliciously sinful.”
“I ordered from Yahya’s,” he said referring to an Arabic restaurant they ate at on very special occasions. He locked the and kissed her cheek.
“Why?” Elaine asked.
“What do you mean why? We can’t have nice things?” Zachary asked embracing her from behind.
“We can’t afford nice things.” She said leaning into him.
“Well, we can afford nice things today.”
“You won’t hear me complaining.”
“Good.”
“You look beat. Work that bad?”
“Do you want me complaining or not?” She asked with a laugh. “Crazy day, crazier customers.”
“Sorry,” he said, kissing her neck. Her stories made him exceedingly glad he had a boring desk job at an insurance firm where he rarely interfaced with customers. “Let’s eat your feelings.”
“I like the sound of that.” She said walking into the kitchen.
“I like that you like the sound of that.” He said kissing her cheek as she washed her hands at the sink.
Zachary
They really did eat their feelings, Zachary thought with a smile, as they lay on the couch, lazy as well-fed cats. It was time. He wasn’t going to get any more relaxed, he thought just as his nerve returned, stomach filled with butterflies.
“I wanted to show you something,” Zachary said navigating to the web browser. He clicked a link and a video popped up. Pictures of her and him together over the years set to one of her favourite songs. His heart racing, he kept his peripheral vision on her even as he tried not to make it too obvious he was watching her, taking in her reaction.
She immediately turned to him, surprise etched on her features, eyes no longer on the video. A clip of them laughing at something played and still she kept her eyes on him.
“Zachary,” she whispered.
Zachary dropped to his knee, presenting an open ring box to her. “You once told me your dream proposal was intimate, just you at home bra-less and well-fed. I want to spend my days helping make all your dreams come true. Small dreams, big dreams, all of them. I have loved being your boyfriend and I’m certain I’ll love being your partner. Elaine, I love you. You bring so much joy to my life and all I want is to bring you as much joy, as much peace. Will you marry me and give me the gift of spending my life loving you in word and in deed?”
She closed her eyes, tears leaking out, silently shaking her head in what he hoped was disbelief rather than denial.
“Will you marry me?” He asked again, gently cradling her face so he could look into her eyes.
She nodded and the knot of anxiety that had tied his insides up unraveled. Joyful laughter burst out of him as he embraced her and she held him close. He peppered her hand with kisses as he slipped the ring on her finger.
Elaine
Elaine lay next to Zachary, trying not to move. Everything was moving so smoothly. Zachary was ahead of schedule in getting together all the documentation he needed. The usual bureaucratic nonsense appeared to be skipping him. Almost like, the universe was clearing his path. That must mean this was the right path, right? That’s what it had to mean, otherwise things wouldn’t just be so damn perfect. Except things were not perfect, she was not perfect.
Zachary moved and she held herself still. He stopped and she exhaled with relief.
“What’s wrong?” Zachary asked, turning on his side to face her.
He traced her face gently. “What is it, baby?”
Elaine shook her head overcome with tears, throat closed with emotion. He moved to turn his night light on, but she held him stopping him.
“Just hold me,” she whispered.
He complied immediately, pulling her close. “Talk to me.”
Small sobs racked her body as she hid her face in his bare chest. “I’m scared.”
“Of what?” He whispered, matching her tone.
“What’s gonna happen.”
“With us? We talked about this. We’ll get married. I’ll go get things ready. You’ll join me in 5, maybe 6 months. You’ll go to school. We’ll keep each other warm during those hellish winters, and come see our people whenever we can. We’ll just stick to the plan.”
“What if I can’t?”
She felt him stiffen and buried her face in his chest hair, trying to memorize how it felt.
“Can’t what?” He asked voice gruff, strained.
“Can’t go.”
He pulled away from her sitting up. He reached for the light.
“Don’t please,” she pleaded.
He turned back to her. “Elaine,” he said, the word a prayer, a plea.
“I can’t do it…” she said voice breaking.
“We talked about this,” he said, the anger he was fighting evident.
“I know, but I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“I can’t move to a country where the only person I know is you and you’re the only one working. I can’t. All those people are your friends, your people, I’ll be all alone in a whole ass country where I don’t even have a job.” She shook her head, “I can’t.”
“You’re saying you don’t trust me.”
“I’m saying I’m a woman, Zachary.”
They sat in silence in the darkness.
“I know that. I get that. But you know me. We’ve lived together for almost four years, you know me. You know me more than even my family does.”
“I can’t just leave my life to follow you.”
“You’re not just following me, come on, you said it yourself, it’s an opportunity to go to school again, do something you actually want. What happened to studying Anthropology? That was your plan, your dream.” He took her hands in his. “I get it, you’re scared, you have reason to be but come on, you live with me and that is by far the most dangerous thing a woman can do. You know me, you know me, Elaine.”
“I just can’t…my heart, my head, I can’t. Zachary, everyone we know in Germany is your person, your brother, his wife, your friends…. I can’t.”
“What if we had a deal, like a legal agreement, as long as you come with me, I’ll support you financially no matter what.”
“There are far too many possible scenarios for you to make such a commitment. Plus, depending on you is the problem.”
He let her go. “What do you want me to say? What do you want me to do? Tell me what promise would make you feel safe and I’ll make it. Whatever it is, I’ll do it.” He sounded angry.
She shook her head, at a loss of words.
He got off the bed and stormed out of the room. She pursued him afraid he was trying to leave in the middle of the night.
“Please don’t go. Zachary, please.”
“Wasn’t going to leave.” He answered curtly.
They stood in the dark.
“What do you want me to say, Elaine? Tell me and I’ll say it.”
“It’s not you.”
He laughed harshly. “You know no one’s ever said that to me? Guess you’re my first.”
He collapsed on the couch.
“I won’t leave.” He said. When she made no effort to move he added, “I promise. I will not run off in the night.”
She nodded and went back to bed.
The following morning he was gone.
Two Weeks Later
Zachary
Zachary slipped into the apartment, hoping he was right in his approximation that she wasn’t home yet. They had not spoken in two weeks. He’d sent her a message confirming he was alright at his sister’s place with strict instructions not to reach out. He said he needed time. Now sitting in the dark in their little apartment, he was so ashamed. He should have never iced her like that. She was just expressing a genuine fear, fear that she couldn’t just turn off because she knew and trusted him. He’d needed the time, he’d spent all his spare time either crying or fighting tears. How had the most magical period turned into the weepiest, unhappiest period in his life? He just hoped he had not ruined the relationship they had built over almost six years. No matter what happened regarding moving to Germany together, he did not want to detonate what was until this week one of his most valued relationships.
He heard the key turn in the lock and shot up to his feet. She walked in switching on the lights.
“Hey,” he said before she looked up to him.
Her mouth dropped open in shock, no sound leaving her lips.
He rushed to her.
“Sorry, I didn’t think of freaking you out. I…” He trailed off when he saw her eyes swollen red. He touched her cheek, wiping away the tears. “I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have left like that or been that mad. I am so sorry.”
She wrapped her arms around him and he reciprocated, holding her tight. He kissed her passionately, and she matched his enthusiasm.
“I missed you so much,” he whispered.
She helped him take off his shirt in lieu of words, running her hands over his chest.
“Your turn,” he said helping her out of her coat and then shirt. “You wear too many clothes,” he complained playfully.
Elaine
Elaine entwined their fingers and watched as he lifted their hands to kiss her hand. She lay her head on his chest, savouring it, she’d been so afraid she would never get to do it again.
“What are we going to do?” He whispered in the dark.
She kissed just above his nipple, he inhaled sharply.
“Imma need you to stop that if we’re going to talk.”
She laughed. “Okay. I’m done.”
“For the duration of this conversation. As soon as we’re done, we pick up right where you left off.”
“Cross my heart,” she promised solemnly.
“What are we going to do?” He asked again. “Tell me what you’re thinking. Whatever it is.”
“You first.”
“Okay. A big part of this is I think financial. I can’t do anything about the fact that everyone we know in Germany is my person. However, I can do something that will hopefully make you feel safer. I did the math with my brother and for what I’ll be earning, I can set aside cash every month for emergencies for you. Enough for a ticket and a few months of living. Plus, according to him, his girlfriend would leave him faster than you’d leave me if she thought he was protecting me as I abuse you. Heck, when you come we can live separately as you build your own life, and make your own friends. We never even have to move in together. I wouldn’t have this if not for you, encouraging me, reading my application and giving me important feedback. I just want you to get something you want. I want you to kick Anthropology ass. No matter what happens with us, I want that for you.”
“Zachary, that’s too much,” Elaine said.
“I want you to be safe and feel safe, whatever it takes.”
“So we keep dating long distance for a year and you give me a stash of cash to leave you whenever I please.”
“Pretty much, yes.”
“Who would say no to that?” She asked with a laugh.
“You’re not taking back the proposal?”
“Not unless you want me to.”
“I don’t.”
“We’ll figure that part out.” He pulled her close in a hug. “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” Elaine said kissing the skin near his nipple.
“Right where we left off,” he said with a low groan.
“I keep my promises.”
“I know you do.”
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