That moment when your partner casually mentions they still text their ex every week. Or maybe you’re the one trying to explain why keeping that coffee date with your former flame is innocent. Either way, we’ve all felt that twist in our stomach when exes and current relationships collide.
Here’s the thing: staying friends with an ex isn’t inherently wrong. Sometimes those connections are worth preserving. The person who once knew your deepest fears and greatest hopes doesn’t automatically become a stranger just because the romantic chapter closed. But without clear boundaries, these friendships can quickly become relationship landmines.
So, how do you navigate this tricky territory? How do you honour past connections without jeopardising present love? These eight boundaries might just save your relationship and your sanity.
1. Put your cards on the table, all of them
Nothing destroys trust faster than discovering your partner has been secretly meeting up with their ex. Even innocent friendships feel suspicious when they’re hidden. The first rule of the ex-club is: we talk about the ex-club.
This isn’t about asking permission, it’s about creating transparency. Your current partner deserves to know who plays significant roles in your life, especially those who once shared your bed and heart. When you normalise talking about your ex-friendship early, you remove the shadow of secrecy that makes these relationships feel threatening.
Don’t wait for your partner to discover texts or run into you and your ex at a café. Bring it up naturally when discussing friends or past relationships. The longer you wait, the more it will seem like you have something to hide.
2. Check your emotional baggage (honestly)
Before you defend your right to that friendship, take a hard look at why you’re holding onto it. Our reasons aren’t always as noble as we pretend.
Ask yourself:
- Do I still get a little ego boost when they text?
- Do I compare my current partner to them?
- Do I find myself reaching out to them during rough patches in my relationship?
- Would I feel a twinge of disappointment if they started seriously dating someone?
If you answered yes to any of these, you might be carrying emotional baggage that could derail both your friendship and your current relationship.
This self-assessment isn’t about shame; it’s about honesty. Sometimes we keep exes around as emotional insurance policies or to satisfy our need for validation. Recognising these patterns helps you establish boundaries that protect everyone involved, including yourself.
3. Listen when your partner speaks (Without getting defensive)
When your partner expresses discomfort about your friendship with an ex, your first reaction might be to defend yourself. “You’re just being jealous!” or “Don’t you trust me?” But immediately jumping to defence mode misses an opportunity for understanding.
Different people have different comfort levels with ex-friendships. Some grew up watching healthy post-relationship friendships, while others witnessed exes causing chaos in new relationships. Neither perspective is inherently wrong, just different.
Try this instead: When your partner shares concerns, take a breath and get curious rather than defensive. Ask what specifically about your friendship with your ex makes them uncomfortable. Their answer might surprise you and offer valuable insight.
You don’t have to agree with every concern, but listening genuinely shows respect. From there, you can work together to find compromises that address specific issues rather than arguing about whether the friendship should exist at all.
4. Draw clear communication lines
The way you communicated during your relationship probably won’t work for your friendship. Those 2 AM philosophical conversations? The daily check-ins? The intimate discussions about your fears and dreams? They likely need to change now that you’re “just friends.”
Consider establishing communication guidelines like:
- No texting after a certain hour
- Respecting slower response times (friendship texts don’t require immediate replies)
- Avoiding overly affectionate language or inside jokes from your relationship
- Keeping conversation topics in the friend zone (maybe your current sex life isn’t appropriate for friend chat)
A couple I know had a simple rule: if they wouldn’t say it in front of their current partners, they don’t say it to each other privately. This bright-line test kept their interactions firmly in friendship territory.
Pay attention to frequency, too. Daily texting might feel normal with close friends, but with an ex, it can create an intimacy that competes with your current relationship. Find a rhythm that respects your history without infringing on your present.
5. Choose your settings wisely
Where and when you meet matters. That cosy corner booth at the restaurant where you used to celebrate anniversaries? Probably not the best choice for your friendship catch-ups.
Consider:
- Meeting for coffee instead of drinks (alcohol and exes can blur boundaries)
- Choosing public places during daylight hours rather than intimate evening settings
- Prioritising group gatherings over one-on-one time
- Avoiding places with significant romantic history
The physical context of your interactions sets powerful subconscious expectations. Choose environments that reinforce your current status as friends, not former lovers. This isn’t just for your current partner’s peace of mind, it helps you and your ex maintain appropriate boundaries, too.
6. Let your worlds overlap (Don’t create secret spaces)
When you keep your ex and your current partner in completely separate spheres, you create an atmosphere of secrecy even when nothing inappropriate is happening. While it might seem easier to avoid potential awkwardness, complete separation often backfires.
This doesn’t mean forcing uncomfortable social interactions or expecting everyone to become best friends. But allowing occasional, natural overlap between these worlds can defuse tension and build trust. It demonstrates that your friendship with your ex can exist in the light of day, not just in private messages.
When appropriate, consider:
- Inviting your partner along occasionally
- Being comfortable with showing each other messages (not as surveillance, but as normal transparency)
- Acknowledging your history if it comes up in group settings, rather than acting awkward
The goal isn’t to create one big happy friend group if that doesn’t feel authentic, but rather to avoid unnecessary secrecy that breeds suspicion.
7. Navigate social media with care
That innocent like on your ex’s beach photo? The late-night comment chain on their political post? These digital interactions are visible to everyone, including your partner, their partner, and your entire social network. What seems like casual engagement to you might read very differently to others.
Social media creates unique boundary challenges because it’s both public and seemingly casual. The semi-private nature of comments, likes, and replies can create a false sense of intimacy that gradually shifts boundaries.
Consider these social media guidelines:
- Think twice before liking or commenting on personal photos
- Avoid digital inside jokes that exclude others
- Be mindful of how frequently you interact with their content
- Set clear boundaries around private messaging
- Consider whether you need to follow each other on all platforms
Remember that your digital behaviour creates perceptions. If someone scrolled through your social media activity, what story would it tell about your priorities and boundaries?
8. When conflict arises, choose your present
Despite the best boundaries and intentions, sometimes friendships with exes create ongoing tension in current relationships. When that happens, you face a difficult but necessary decision: which relationship takes priority?
This isn’t about yielding to controlling behaviour. If your partner attempts to isolate you from all friends or past connections, that’s a red flag. But if your friendship with an ex consistently undermines trust or creates conflict despite genuine efforts to address concerns, it may be time to reevaluate its place in your life.
Sometimes the choice isn’t permanent or absolute. It might mean creating temporary distance or changing the nature of your interactions until you establish healthier patterns. The key is making these decisions consciously rather than letting circumstances or emotions decide for you.
Finding your balance
Every relationship, past and present, is unique. What works for one person might feel completely wrong for another. The secret isn’t following a universal rulebook but creating intentional boundaries that honour everyone involved.
With thoughtfulness, clear communication, and genuine respect for all feelings involved, it is possible to maintain meaningful connections from your past while nurturing your current relationship. The effort required might be substantial, but so are the rewards: deeper trust with your partner and healthier friendships that stand the test of time.
Remember that boundaries aren’t restrictions; they’re the architecture that allows relationships to flourish. By defining where one relationship ends and another begins, you create the clarity that allows all connections to find their proper place in your life.
What boundaries have helped you navigate friendships with exes? Your experiences might help others walking this same delicate line.
Check out:
I Left Him Because He Had Too Many Women In His Life With Unclear Boundaries
Relationships: Block Your Ex On Social Media. Yay Or Nay?
I Should Have Listened When Everyone Told Me Not To Make My Ex My Business Partner
When You Find Love, But There Is A Love From The Past That Threatens Your Happily Ever After
